Thoughts on this article about being the childless friend

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I am a mother of six but I get it. My sister is childless, not through choice, and if I couldnt do anything with her because of the kids I would always try to have a Plan B "I cant do X date as its the nativity that day, but any other day is fine". She understood and we worked out how to make it work.

I have friends without kids who have had this sort of treatment so I do get it.

https://inews.co.uk/opinion/64-childfree-parent-friends-lives-important-4398708?utm_source=firefox-newtab-en-gb

I’m child free, I couldn’t read that twaddle.

Her friends are rude, FaceTiming anyone while having lunch with someone else is ridiculous but she sounds equally awful, I don’t want to hear about ‘risque’ texts, ugh they all sound awful.

My friends who have kids obviously have other priorities but that’s totally understandable, it’s perfectly normal to prioritise family.

I don't think I'd want to be friends with someone who'd slag me off in the national news either.

The examples given here MUST be exaggerated. Surely after the first five minutes of being ignored for Facetime, you'd make your excuses and leave? My parents are almost an identical age to this woman and I'm nearly 40 with teenagers of my own. I certainly don't phone them when they're out with mates.

Part of me wonders if her friends being retired (as they're in couples so more financially free) is more the life schism she's experiencing, as she is still working? If they're off all week but have to meet her on weekends, which also overlaps with when their adult kids are off work, then it could easily feel like a compromise too far on both sides.

Her friends sound rude and self obsessed
She sounds quite rude and self obsessed

They all sound dreadful.

I think this has nailed it.

Or at least some of her friends.

But she sounds dreadful. Thinking her friends should put her first because she needs them more 😳. Friendships don’t work like that. And yes it’s boring when you are with a group of people who have something in common that you don’t. It’s one of those things you need to suck up sometimes rather than demanding at group of people enjoying the conversation stop having it to please you.

She does sound like quite a demanding and self centred person though. I can quite understand friends wanting to place her lower down the pecking order.

I think there are some really interesting discussions to be had around the place of children in today's society, but the author's completely missed the nuance of it all.

She says: "I blame our child-centric society, where high-intensity parenting has no expiry date". I don't think it's apt to say modern British society is child-centric as a whole. Oh the contrary, a lot of it is actually pretty hostile to children/child-rearing, relative to other societies.

A lot of she deems "high-intensity parenting" probably happens precisely because our society isn't particularly supportive of having children, so parents end up setting up their own systems to make things work.

Edited to add: I'm not justifying any of the examples she gives as like others have said they seem more a question of bad manners and are tangential to the more interesting issues.

I was about to say she’s definitely unreasonable: but then I read the article: the “children” she is referring to are actually adults. Her friends are rude as fuck. At the same time, she does sound like the “main character”

I missed this! The only pact for life I made was marriage, and of course the natural life bond to my immediate family (mother, brother, son)

The pact for life thing is an unusual view. Plenty of friendships don't last with or without children in the mix.

Her friends should not be having hour-long Facetimes or sending multiple messages to "children." My mum is a couple of years younger than the author. I ask her about her plans and if she's out with anyone—my aunt, dad, or her friends. I wouldn't dream of calling her unless it's an emergency.

However, the writer of the article needs to realize she is in no way the most important person in her friends' lives. The anecdotes...ooh steamy text and "ready to talk about my date..." No. Like she acknowledges friendship is based on mutual experiences. The friends are not living the same life as her they dont care.

She needs to find some single childfree friends

I find the whole ‘friendship is a pact for life’ thing a bit odd. So it’s ok to get into romantic relationships knowing they might end, and most do, but somehow a friend has to be there forever? Why? As someone else said, some friendships work at a certain point in your life but not for the whole of your life.
Someone who is married, or in a long term relationship, with children, is always going to put those people first, and so they should - they’re your immediate family and will come before any friend or other family member.

Some of her examples are of people just being very rude.

But I think her statement that parents think their lives are more important doesn’t follow on at all. Surely what she’s actually seeing is people (sometimes rudely) prioritising their relationship with their child over their relationship with their friend. They don’t see themselves as more important than her, they see their child as more important than her.

Obviously I wouldn’t say that excuses any of the rude examples she gives.

I don't agree that children always need to come first in the way that some interpret it. In fact as children get older I think that they really benefit from seeing their parents be real people with interests, other relationships and personalities. They don't need their parents to just be generic parent figures that only exist to provide service.

If I'm out with a friend then I'll put my child first in an emergency. If it's not an emergency then they can wait because I'm a person too with my own needs.

I don't recognise these behaviours in any of my friends, either those with children or those who are child free. I think the main problem is the writer and her friends don't seem to like each other very much. When you care about your friends, what's important to them becomes important to you, whether it's their child winning the egg and spoon race, their mother's illness, or their romantic holiday with a fabulous new man.

She’d have better friendships if she stopped thinking she can tell people off. She comes across as hugely self absorbed. The it’s a cold not typhoid remark is pathetic. I hope her shiny new friends read this and know what they’re getting into.

I struggle sometimes to be interesting and fun to childfree people as somehow DH and I are the odd ones out having a DC. For both of us, friends have opted to stay childfree and also none of them are in long-term relationships. My siblings are the same.

No one asks me about my DC or anything child-related, it’s like this important part of my life is just invisible. They focus on what they have watched or read. I don’t say anything however I secretly wish I had some mum friends just to be able to banter about kids and marriage.

Just as she’s over her friends banging on endlessly about their kids I suppose.

Expecting to be someone's priority just shows her sense of entitlement and selfishness.

She makes a lot of good points. Parenthood has become an excuse for some very self involved bad behaviour. It’s similar to the way groups with lots of couples can end up excluding single people. Ideas about parenthood have changed massively to the extent that there is still a high level of involvement in the lives of adults who in the past would have been more independent.

I don’t think she’s expecting to be her friends’ priority, only for them to show some interest in what’s going on in her life. I have been there, being the only childless person in the room and feeling like a spare part with nothing to contribute.

I can see both sides, but like @MrsShawnHatosy I've also been the invisible friend and relative, and it's horrible. At my recent 50th I may have well not been there from the way my extended family acted. I spend much more time with my non-parent friends than old school friends with children - we've been friends since we were 4 years old but now the only thing we have in common is our past.

The other thing to add is that for those of us who don't have families, (in my case just a couple of second cousins) - our friends are our priority, whereas for those who have children, those kids take priority and their friends are an option. So there's an imbalance there that really needs working on from both sides if a friendship is going to survive.

Yep. I'm a parent and grandparent, but as the friend who was the last to have children, I very much remember it being almost impossible to have a proper conversation (ie one that wasn't about children) with my parent friends until I became one too. So I'm very willing to believe her account of her life at this point.

I also agree that many parents still put their communication with their adult kids ahead of their consideration of their friends who are actually present. I've had to consciously stop myself from doing that.

She sounds insufferable and self absorbed. But I've seen a lot of this talk online, being childfree and hating on parents is very trendy right now

Also a lot of it is bullshit isn't it? She's 64, presumably most of her friends children will be 20+. They aren't complaining about childcare are they? Or a lack of sleep. She's either had 20+ years of allegedly shit friendship and just put up with it or actively chosen to find friends who treat her like shit? And what parent of adult children is rushing off to buy lempsip?

Her friends are probably bored of her dating stories and sex life. Life moves on.

I see this argument a lot, that parents don't care about their friends but I disagree. I just think it's fairly obvious that someone's child is going to be the most important part of their life, if your in a group of people ans they all have something in common bar you it's natural that conversation will resolve around that thing in common.

I get her point and fair to be annoyed about someone hanging up directly their child phoned up.

However her conclusion that parents think their lives are more important than the lives of their single friends is wrong.

Parents think their children are more important than all of their friends (single or otherwise) - they would be terrible parents if they did not. It is nature’s way of ensuring the young are looked after.

This must be very, very tough for the single friend, but it is something it’s better to accept because the alternative leads to rupture in friendships.

I think this is true

I'm currently pregnant and most of my friends havent had DC yet, and right now in conversations I feel quite left out. Lots of talk about partying, holidaying, festivals that I'm not able to do. But this isn't because my friends suddenly care less about me, its just that our lives at the minute are quite different

I sympathise with the author. I think childfree people are often sympathetic to the fact that parents' focus will always be on their kids while they are in 'the trenches' i.e. young, but she makes a fair point that is replicated often (including on here), that this now extends well into the "kids"' twenties. She literally says in the article that she was there for her friend when she was suffering with sleep deprivation when her child was a baby, I think it's fair enough to be annoyed that 20plus years later her friend is on the phone with her dd when they are supposed to be spending the day together!

Lots of the examples of her friends' behaviour are extremely rude, regardless of who it is they are prioritising over her. By all means your kids can come (and usually should) come first in your life overall, but if you have agreed to spend time with person A, then barring emergencies they should be your focus for that short time. It sounds like she was only asking for the odd shopping trip or phone call, which isn't too much to ask.

It could just be a 'her friends' thing and of course doesn't mean all parents are like that.