To have a word with BIL that his future marriage is destined for the gutter.

[Bumblingbee92]

SIL is perfectly nice and we have a cordial relationship. I get on quite well with BIL, if we wasn’t family, I’d say we’d be friends. They’re both in their mid thirties..

BIL & future SIL have been in a relationship for three years. Both had been single for quite a few years beforehand (which I think is important) and we were excited that BIL had started seeing someone (had a few first dates and he was openly struggling with his MH with being single).

They have a couple of mutual interests/hobbies but have very different personalities that just seem to constantly clash. Round hole, square peg comes to mind in every way. They’ve never really looked like they’ve had any chemistry between each other. Honestly they look like they’re in an arranged marriage. Since the beginning we’ve been expecting it to fizzle out but here we are.

SIL is extremely hot and cold with BIL. She initiated that she wanted to get married, they chose the ring together but now the ring is sitting in her drawer she’s not ready to be engaged. BIL has said since Xmas that SIL wants to try for a baby but they don’t even live together full time as SIL keeps changing her mind/goal posts on living arrangements. Half the time we see them it’s apparent that they’ve had an argument, BIL has upset SIL or SIL has the hump with BIL. I think every holiday they’ve been on they’ve had bit of a falling out and SIL has asked for space. It’s awkward for us to be spectators as BIL is desperate to make it work and is trying his best/doing whatever she wants to keep her happy. But unless he has a complete personality/life transplant he’s never going to be what she wants, but (in my opinion) she’s trying to look past that as she wants the wedding/big house/baby. In her words her body clock is ticking and it’s either now or never. He does want those things too and thinks that things are ok when there’s conversations regarding the next stage.

In the last couple of months there’s been talk of elopement, wears the engagement ring, doesn’t wear the ring, to get married asap before baby, BIL being told she doesn’t know if she wants to marry him… She’s currently not wearing the ring and wanting space to figure out what she wants…

BIL is doing his usual of self deprecating jokes, trying to cover up the situation with humour. I’ve ’joked’ that if it’s like that now, just wait until they’re both sleep deprived with a baby. Poor man doesn’t know where he stands from day to day but yet never hinted that he’s ever considered calling it a day/she’s not right for him. Always the other way around.

DH wants to have a chat with him but worried it will get back to SIL and cause a rift if they do settle down. Half of me feels like he’s a grown man but the other half feels like we’re doing him an injustice as the divorce will be messy, especially with kids involved and we’ll be the ones trying to hold him together with his mental health down the drain.

Oh, no, not can she imagine living with him! That was another good bit of advice I was given when I was in my teens: the question to ask yourself is not, "can I imagine living with him?" It is, "can I imagine living without him?"

To be honest, your post was sounding warning bells for me from "we were excited that BIL had started seeing someone (had a few first dates and he was openly struggling with his MH with being single)".

Being "excited" about someone else starting a relationship, as opposed to pleased for them, means you're too invested. And the idea that getting into a relationship is a good cure for mental health problems feels pretty retro.

Now you are talking about informing him- as though it's a matter of fact- that his marriage is doomed. Why are you so sure you understand it better than he does?

It's perfectly fine to have asked him how the relationship was going, particularly when it was still quite new- but that's a world away from what you're talking about here.

I think you should take a step back, and try to have a role in his life that's more about supporting him when he needs it, rather than handing out your wisdom and advice as his self-appointed relationship sherpas.

Stay out of it.

Wow, how judgey and interfering, no don’t do this and give your heads a wobble.

Sounds like she want marriage babies etc but deep down knows that he isnt the right man for her which is why she is so hot and cold. I wouldnt be surprised if she ditches him if she meets someone else.

Not much you can do unfortunately, none so blind as those who will not see.

None of your business

It won't make a difference.

In my late 20s, I very gently spoke to a very good friend about her fiancé and if he was really making her happy. I was very sensitive, delicate and light and only spoke about her rather than him.

They got married.
It was a horrible abusive marraige.
She left him over 10 years later.

Has said over the years she has knew before the wedding she shouldn't go ahead with it, told me her mum, dad, sister and another friend spoke to her too and some a lot more bluntly.

Despite all that, our friendship has never recovered since. It's nice but surface level and guarded on both sides. I miss what we had, which was properly deep friendship and wish I never said anything.

The outcome would have been the same anyway.

Opening my mouth is probably one of my biggest regrets in life.

Don't do it. It won't give you the result you hope for.

I’d mind your business unless BIL asks and even then you need to tread carefully. I definitely wouldn’t offer unsolicited advice as it will probably go down like a cup of cold sick!!

Random idea wouldn’t say anything to BIL but I would, in future SILs hearing, talk about what a catch BIL is, always talk positively about him around her. Make sure she sees and hears what a great person he is and the amount of support in the family. Include her in ways you can, if you can.

this potential SIL sounds bonkers.
I'd be advising your BIL to look into her MH. She sounds a bit "borderline", to put it mildly. In the end, you can't tell anyone what to do. But this sounds like a disaster zone waiting to manifest itself.

I agree. My now husband found out after he married his former wife that his friends all thought it was doomed. He wished they’d said something to him he might not have done it.

Step.back.and stay out of it completely.
Its their life.

Stay out of it, it's their relationship and as adults they will have to work it out for themselves. Your advice is unlikely to be welcome.

There are couples (more than one) I knew in my youth who I would have thought would part within a few years who are still together, while others who seemed to have the perfect relationship are now divorced.

It's got f* all to do with love language, she's holding out for something better.

Having said that, I wouldn't get involved.

The only time I'd get involved is if I thought there was abuse.

How do you know there’s not more going on here that you don’t know, just keep out of it, it’s really none of your business they are adults.
yea your looking out for him but he’s not stupid I’m sure , he’s a grown man who can make his own choices.

Oh and staying together is definitely not always a sign a couple are happy, believe me!!

I'm not going to lie, she has contempt for him and it will only get worse if he tolerates her bullshit.

All you can do is be there for him.

He is stupid in the sense he can't see he's currently being designated last chance saloon though.
The sex will be mediocre at best for him.

My brother got engaged to a very difficult woman. We did nothing but show quiet support for him and treated her well, picked him up when she treated him badly. Kept our opinions to ourselves.
It ended horribly but the whole family still has a great relationship with my brother. He doesn’t have to feel we had any part in their problems. He knows we are there for him. Don’t give them any more drama. Nobody knows what really goes on in a relationship so stay out of it unless he asks you to get involved.

I think the premise of not saying anything is selfish, do that if your want to protect YOUR relationship with your BIL if what you have to say doesn't go down well. But if his future matters more then I would take the risk and give him your honest opinion. Have we stopped caring about our friends' wellbeing these days? Just let them blindly make mistakes so they don't give us aggro for disagreeing with them? Friends and family are supposed to be good sources of advice, you see things from a different perspective. As long as it is shared in a kind and compassionate way then it could be of value.

The fact that she's blowing hot and cold, and the business with the engagement ring is really all the OP-or indeed anybody replying to her- needs to know.

People are quite predictable.

This place (rightfully) assigns red flags in behaviour to men, well there's two glaring red flags right there with this woman.

Watch what they do, not what they say. Good rule when it comes to other people full stop.

That's not how it works. Awful advice.

What you could do, OP, and this may actually work, is try to find ways of raising his confidence so he breaks up with her himself.
Is he physically unattractive? Maybe if he gets attention from other women he won't be so keen on this one?
A lot of men who aren't that attractive take what they can get no matter how unsuitable.

This may not work. To be frank he sounds wet, because no self-respecting man would tolerate this. Hell no.

Regardless, unless he has a major change of outlook, he's doomed.

Is there time, though?
How fast is that clock ticking?

I wish I had something to my own brother when he was engaged and living in a similar type of relationship.
It was so obviously doomed. They were in their 30s also.
2 kids and a move far away from any family. He is stuck. Having flip flopped about the marriage. She is flip flopping about the divorce. Coating him a fortune in legal fees. Destroying her kid's lives.
He's a nice guy that can't do right.
It was so inevitable. He really wanted to settle down and all his friends were married etc.
If I had said something and we would have fallen out, I wouldn't see him any less than I do now, which is weddings and funerals.
I absolutely agree with not getting involved in general. But living with the consequences is very sad.

Stay out of their confusion.
They are engaged so treat them like they are in charge of their own destiny.

The most you could do is to warmly offer to support their plans for marriage, like all families do. Be available to assist them with tasks that they want done.

Maybe, due to their older ages, their parents aren't asking them about dates and venues or if they want ribbons on their wedding car etc. It sounds like family is not invested in celebrating their union.