To have a word with BIL that his future marriage is destined for the gutter.

[Bumblingbee92]

SIL is perfectly nice and we have a cordial relationship. I get on quite well with BIL, if we wasn’t family, I’d say we’d be friends. They’re both in their mid thirties..

BIL & future SIL have been in a relationship for three years. Both had been single for quite a few years beforehand (which I think is important) and we were excited that BIL had started seeing someone (had a few first dates and he was openly struggling with his MH with being single).

They have a couple of mutual interests/hobbies but have very different personalities that just seem to constantly clash. Round hole, square peg comes to mind in every way. They’ve never really looked like they’ve had any chemistry between each other. Honestly they look like they’re in an arranged marriage. Since the beginning we’ve been expecting it to fizzle out but here we are.

SIL is extremely hot and cold with BIL. She initiated that she wanted to get married, they chose the ring together but now the ring is sitting in her drawer she’s not ready to be engaged. BIL has said since Xmas that SIL wants to try for a baby but they don’t even live together full time as SIL keeps changing her mind/goal posts on living arrangements. Half the time we see them it’s apparent that they’ve had an argument, BIL has upset SIL or SIL has the hump with BIL. I think every holiday they’ve been on they’ve had bit of a falling out and SIL has asked for space. It’s awkward for us to be spectators as BIL is desperate to make it work and is trying his best/doing whatever she wants to keep her happy. But unless he has a complete personality/life transplant he’s never going to be what she wants, but (in my opinion) she’s trying to look past that as she wants the wedding/big house/baby. In her words her body clock is ticking and it’s either now or never. He does want those things too and thinks that things are ok when there’s conversations regarding the next stage.

In the last couple of months there’s been talk of elopement, wears the engagement ring, doesn’t wear the ring, to get married asap before baby, BIL being told she doesn’t know if she wants to marry him… She’s currently not wearing the ring and wanting space to figure out what she wants…

BIL is doing his usual of self deprecating jokes, trying to cover up the situation with humour. I’ve ’joked’ that if it’s like that now, just wait until they’re both sleep deprived with a baby. Poor man doesn’t know where he stands from day to day but yet never hinted that he’s ever considered calling it a day/she’s not right for him. Always the other way around.

DH wants to have a chat with him but worried it will get back to SIL and cause a rift if they do settle down. Half of me feels like he’s a grown man but the other half feels like we’re doing him an injustice as the divorce will be messy, especially with kids involved and we’ll be the ones trying to hold him together with his mental health down the drain.

Oh, no, not can she imagine living with him! That was another good bit of advice I was given when I was in my teens: the question to ask yourself is not, "can I imagine living with him?" It is, "can I imagine living without him?"

To be honest, your post was sounding warning bells for me from "we were excited that BIL had started seeing someone (had a few first dates and he was openly struggling with his MH with being single)".

Being "excited" about someone else starting a relationship, as opposed to pleased for them, means you're too invested. And the idea that getting into a relationship is a good cure for mental health problems feels pretty retro.

Now you are talking about informing him- as though it's a matter of fact- that his marriage is doomed. Why are you so sure you understand it better than he does?

It's perfectly fine to have asked him how the relationship was going, particularly when it was still quite new- but that's a world away from what you're talking about here.

I think you should take a step back, and try to have a role in his life that's more about supporting him when he needs it, rather than handing out your wisdom and advice as his self-appointed relationship sherpas.

Stay out of it.

Wow, how judgey and interfering, no don’t do this and give your heads a wobble.

Sounds like she want marriage babies etc but deep down knows that he isnt the right man for her which is why she is so hot and cold. I wouldnt be surprised if she ditches him if she meets someone else.

Not much you can do unfortunately, none so blind as those who will not see.

None of your business

It won't make a difference.

In my late 20s, I very gently spoke to a very good friend about her fiancé and if he was really making her happy. I was very sensitive, delicate and light and only spoke about her rather than him.

They got married.
It was a horrible abusive marraige.
She left him over 10 years later.

Has said over the years she has knew before the wedding she shouldn't go ahead with it, told me her mum, dad, sister and another friend spoke to her too and some a lot more bluntly.

Despite all that, our friendship has never recovered since. It's nice but surface level and guarded on both sides. I miss what we had, which was properly deep friendship and wish I never said anything.

The outcome would have been the same anyway.

Opening my mouth is probably one of my biggest regrets in life.

Don't do it. It won't give you the result you hope for.