To have a word with BIL that his future marriage is destined for the gutter.

[Bumblingbee92]

SIL is perfectly nice and we have a cordial relationship. I get on quite well with BIL, if we wasn’t family, I’d say we’d be friends. They’re both in their mid thirties..

BIL & future SIL have been in a relationship for three years. Both had been single for quite a few years beforehand (which I think is important) and we were excited that BIL had started seeing someone (had a few first dates and he was openly struggling with his MH with being single).

They have a couple of mutual interests/hobbies but have very different personalities that just seem to constantly clash. Round hole, square peg comes to mind in every way. They’ve never really looked like they’ve had any chemistry between each other. Honestly they look like they’re in an arranged marriage. Since the beginning we’ve been expecting it to fizzle out but here we are.

SIL is extremely hot and cold with BIL. She initiated that she wanted to get married, they chose the ring together but now the ring is sitting in her drawer she’s not ready to be engaged. BIL has said since Xmas that SIL wants to try for a baby but they don’t even live together full time as SIL keeps changing her mind/goal posts on living arrangements. Half the time we see them it’s apparent that they’ve had an argument, BIL has upset SIL or SIL has the hump with BIL. I think every holiday they’ve been on they’ve had bit of a falling out and SIL has asked for space. It’s awkward for us to be spectators as BIL is desperate to make it work and is trying his best/doing whatever she wants to keep her happy. But unless he has a complete personality/life transplant he’s never going to be what she wants, but (in my opinion) she’s trying to look past that as she wants the wedding/big house/baby. In her words her body clock is ticking and it’s either now or never. He does want those things too and thinks that things are ok when there’s conversations regarding the next stage.

In the last couple of months there’s been talk of elopement, wears the engagement ring, doesn’t wear the ring, to get married asap before baby, BIL being told she doesn’t know if she wants to marry him… She’s currently not wearing the ring and wanting space to figure out what she wants…

BIL is doing his usual of self deprecating jokes, trying to cover up the situation with humour. I’ve ’joked’ that if it’s like that now, just wait until they’re both sleep deprived with a baby. Poor man doesn’t know where he stands from day to day but yet never hinted that he’s ever considered calling it a day/she’s not right for him. Always the other way around.

DH wants to have a chat with him but worried it will get back to SIL and cause a rift if they do settle down. Half of me feels like he’s a grown man but the other half feels like we’re doing him an injustice as the divorce will be messy, especially with kids involved and we’ll be the ones trying to hold him together with his mental health down the drain.

Do NOT do this.

Whatever you do, don't get yourself involved. It sounds like a shitshow, but your DH needs to decide if he wants to chat to his DB on his own and handle it solo. From experience, blood is far thicker than marriage when it comes to sibling advice.

They're both grown adults, all you can do is mind your own business unfortunately. I sympathise with your position but don't get involved.

Don't say anything it won't make a difference.

From personal opinion, I was told after I'd married my first husband by a 'friend' that I shouldn't have married him. I didnt leave him, I ditched her (even though in hindsight she was right). I was told by my family before I married him I shouldn't, I still did.

He needs to come to the conclusion himself, that may be before marriage, it may be after. The family just need to be there to pick him up.

If your DH has a chat it should be an invitation to share if his brother wants to, not a lecture or unsolicited advice.
A simple "How're you feeling about the prospect of being a husband and father?" will let his brother know he has someone to talk to if he wants to, but isn't saying anything that could cause issues.
In a nutshell, offer listening, not opinions, unless asked. And if asked, be very careful not to be critical of either of them "I've noticed you seem to be a bit up and down..." and other neutral comments is as far as you should go.

Stay out of it. Not your circus, not your monkey etc.

Mind your own business. Not your life, not your decision, not your responsibility, not your consequences. Also, you could be wrong.

How is this anyone's concern, excepting the couple themselves? Of course you don't "have a word". And saying that his "future marriage is destined for the gutter" is a vulgar phrase that says far more about you than either your BIL or his partner.
They're adults - they'll either work it out or they won't, and they certainly don't need gossipy relatives wading into their lives.

Some people enjoy these dramatic relationships

No matter how you think you can phrase or approach it; it wont work.

Its about as likely to work as telling a fat man he needs to go on a diet.

BIL will get defensive about the relationship, about his life, his choices and you will be pushed further away. You cannot tell someone their relationship is a mess and expect them to say " you know what, you're right, ill dump them right now, shall we go for a celebratory drink?"

You'll be the interfering two faced good for nothing, sticking your nose in other peoples business.

Just butt out of it, not your business.
H can have a casual chat with his b alone so the conversation can flow freely. Men talk and think differently when they are together, you or another woman being there would change the dynamic.

He won't listen to you, and he will likely shoot the messenger, and it is none of your business. However, I will go against the grain here, and suggest your DH have a gentle word with him to suggest he/they get some counseling before they tie the knot, I say this because I really really wish someone had told me that with my ex. So many of my friends thought he didn't treat me well, some told me (delicately) I didn't listen until I was ready to, but they are still my friends and I very much value the fact that they had the courage to tell me.

I think you absolutely have to have this frank discussion with him x

I think your husband should say something. There’s a couple of times when I wish I had whether it caused upset or not.

Don’t attack his partner, just explain he doesn’t seem happy and you’re worried about him and the future.

If he chooses to tell her then fine you can all deal with that but saying something before they get married or have a baby together might just help him see that the relationship isn’t working.

Didn't Prince William warn Prince Harry about marrying Megan? That went down like a lead balloon!

This is not your circus. Stay out of it. It will only lead to resentment if something is said.

I had this with my sister. She was always saying how wrong my partners were etc. Then she sent me a message saying I had to divorce DP because this or that.

I have been NC with sister for years now. I am still with DP.

My life in mine. Not my sisters. In the end I decided it was easier to "divorce" my sister by just going NC.

You really should just leave them to it I reckon.

Nope. Don’t do it. You won’t be thanked.

Never get involved in other people's relationships OP. The most likely thing to happen is that you/your DH will alienate BIL and he'll stop speaking to you both, lose an important family connection and he'll still be in this awful relationship. I have experience of this (unfortunately), as sibling was in an awful, abusive, toxic relationship for several years, but was madly in love and would've much sooner dumped the family than the bloody awful partner. Take a deep breath and wait. This shit show will end at some point and your BIL will need you.

Edited to say: if he brings it up, that's different and I would listen and sympathise and encourage him to think carefully about making any further commitment.

I think if your BIL has a moment where he outwardly brings it up, then do discuss it with him. Maybe don't use the term 'destined for the gutter' or any sort of attacking words that might cause him to become defensive. It's fine to discuss the fact that you have serious concerns about the future of their relationship if she can't decide whether to marry him or not. It doesn't bode well. I've known very similar relationships (i.e. me in a previous relationship) and from friends, too. Both went bust. Thank goodness nobody got married.

Lead and balloon spring to mind.

This is very good advice - brother to brother
Tactful and sensible.

Why are you so overinvolved in their relationship? They are adults, it's none of your business. If they want to break up they will, if they want to get married and have children well they can. How does interfering in someone else's business help exactly? All that will happen is he will tell the sil and she will go mental, say "we aren't seeing them again if they feel this way about me" he will side with her and you won't see them again, until maybe 10 years down the line when he finally gets fed up and leaves her or maybe they will last and you are just cut out for good, who knows. He has to work this out for himself, you aren't in their relationship, you see a snippet, keep out of it.

He's your family, you say you would be friends if you weren't family. I'd absolutely check in with him check he's ok with the relationship offer advice or support. He's your friend and family! Would you just watch on if a close female friend was in this sort of relationship and not say a word?

I really don't understand these replies, all very uncaring and thoughtless!

It is your family and potential family, it may work out in which case this lady and any future children will be in your lives forever, it may not work out in which case if you love and care about your BIL you will be involved in the fall out by supporting him.

There are ways to word things, as in don't go in all guns blazing saying "I think your (sometimes) fiancé is a nightmare, get out now!", you can be much more tactful and come from a place of care that he is ok and mostly happy and just let him know you are there for him.

Nailed it. There’s no way this will end well.

OP‘s BIL‘s relationship most likely has better odds of actually working out than her DH’s plan of trying to have „a word with BIL that his future marriage is destined for the gutter“.

Unless there’s abuse involved, I would leave it.