To think my husband should visit his brother

[ChickensAreTheAnswer]

Ive been married 10 years. Together for 13. My husband has an brother. He was diagnosed with severe mental health in his 20s & disabilities quite young. He is very vulnerable. He was put in secure accommodation so has his own flat but carers visit once a day. The medication hes on mean he isnt the best at looking after himself. He lives a quiet life of TV, music, bus spotting and thats it. His parents visit weekly. He lives about an hour away from us.

Do people think it's odd he's never visited his brother. The rest of the family all do. He says there is no bad blood or trauma, he just doesnt want to visit him and "doesnt have anything to talk about with him.

He's see him at Xmas if the brother comes for Xmas dinner *so maybe 4 times in 13 yrs .. but apart from that - never.

Understandable? His own choice? Or a bit odd?

I've been really let down by my husband in recent years. I was v unwell last year in hospital and he disappeared. He left the hospital v quickly after birth of baby to get back to bed. And when kids are unwell or something bad happens, he basically disengages. It got me thinking about the brother situation and whether he is essentially a bit unable to deal with anything hard.

Up to him. If he doesnt want to then why would he force himself

It’s his brother so leave him to it!

If he’s not showing up for you or your children then that’s something to address with him separately but his brother is his business.

It's his choice. But he seems to not care when anyone needs his help - neither you, nor his children. Not a good sign. Does he care about anyone? (Genuine and not sarcastic question).

Wouldn't be how I'd do things, but the brother is his call.

It may be the brother's needs were prioritised over your dp's while they were growing up. The feeling of not being important to parents ( even when there is good reason) is very difficult to get past.

It's sad he doesn't visit his brother OP. But there isn't anything you can do to make him.

The way he has let you and his children down so badly is quite disgraceful. What conversations have you had with him about that?

I know its his decision. Ive always respected it. Just some selfishness has really shocked me in the last few yrs and ibe reflected that actually he does almost nothing for anyone. And his brother - seems like another example. It just wouldn't consider to visit him as he wouldn't get anything out of it. The thought that sometimes we do things to support others- its alien to him. Like with the birth of our kids. He wanted to see the birth but then he was off. He'd been at the birth and he just didn't consider i might need some help or support. So off he went.

I wouldn't have got into a relationship with a man like that. It would have made me think he was the kind of person who doesn't have any interest in his family unless it serves him, not what I'd want in the father of my child. Not someone who will abide to the 'in sickness and in health' vow.

Your husband is a shitty human.

What you're describing is a pattern of selfish behavior towards other people. If it was only that he didn't want to see his brother, fair enough, but it sounds as if he's inattentive to you and your children as well. I wouldn't be happy with a partner like that tbh.

How old is he?

Him not seeing his brother seems selfish but maybe he was the 'glass child'

But him not being there when you're ill is him being a shite husband. You and the kids deserve better x

And you had more than 1 dc why?

@Sunnydaysarehereagain2026 in for a penny in for a pound...

Im joking. Ive no bloody clue. Im clearly an idiot with standards in the depths of the ocean. He doesnt know his mums birthday. Its our kids sports day next week (primary school age)...hasn't bothered to book it off. He'll be thinking "5 second race for a whole day off". Its like screaming into the void...its not about YOU. Its not about whether you want to watch the race. Its so your sons see you there and feel loved. It's because our kids will be one of the few kids without their dad there.

I think it’s very true, @ChickensAreTheAnswer who are all the family that you are talking about how dreadful he is not visiting his brother? Will likely be the same family that made it clear he wasn’t a priority as a child?

Has he ever talked about what it was like growing up with his brother?

Did his brother’s needs dominate the household? Was his brother (or another family member) regularly in and out of hospital / clinics?

It might be a deep-rooted response to just disengage from his brother as a form of self preservation, and by extension also the contexts that went along with his brother.

Talk to him about it, I bet there is a link.
Don’t label him a shitty person, but maybe consider relationship counselling.

My dad never came to any of my sports days because of work and I'm 47, the concept of any type of parental leave for men was unthought of back then. But I grew up feeling loved because when he was around he made it very clear.

Your husband sounds so checked out of family life.

This might be the straw that breaks the camel's back for you? My ex had a very severely disabled sister and she did drive him nuts sometimes - because we are all human - but he always visited her, bought her presents, spent time with her. Even on the days she drove him mad, he still loved her and showed he loved her. Does your husband show love to anyone, ever?

Does that explain his attitude towards his own children though? I think that's where the shitty label is coming from more than anything.

You say his brother has disabilities and likes bus spotting, any chance your husband could be undiagnosed autistic? The deep rooted self-interest, not in a mean way, but in the way you describe that feels like complete inability to step into another person’s shoes. The difficulty dealing with emotionally charged situations. Avoidance of medical settings with their lights and smells and noises. The fact that logically a day off for a 5min race makes no sense. It is Not all autistic experience, but there are profiles that would very much fit that.
Have you tried spelling it out to him? The sports day is not for you to see them, it’s for them to know you care- that they won’t know otherwise and that it matters. Telling him you needed him in the hospital. It feels like you shouldn’t have to, but with some autistic people they need all of this spelled out in big letters, explicit creating of the framework that you see as insitinctive. If his childhood was dominated by his brother’s condition it would make even more sense.

Yeah, all of these are possibilities.

But also I feop knackered from always trying to solve unresolved shit in mens' lives. We are in our 40s. I've tried to talk to him a million times. Encouraged therapy. Ive suggested poss ASD as had just the same thoughts @Notafanofheat but really I am so tired from trying to resolve stuff for other people. He couldnt give a rats arse about my experiences or challenges growing up...and I've spent a decade trying to excuse his behaviour or help him work out stuff. Just visit your brother. Once. Just once in a decade. Watch your kids do the egg and spoon. Look after your wife in hospital. Im not sure I care anymore it might all be down to this or that. Maybe im the selfish one now!

He’s being quite selfish. My dad’s younger brother had serious mental illness and my father visited him regularly and looked after his care needs. He loved his brother. However, their other sibling completely checked out of the situation and never visited him.

I wonder if your husband and his brother had a difficult upbringing? My dad and his siblings definitely did. Trauma can make it very difficult for people to have healthy relationships – with siblings, partners, kids etc.

I’ve come to realise that people like your DH are happier. They don’t take on other people’s problems, do only what they want to do or are capable of and live day-to-day in their own selfish bubble. I’m slowly trying to train myself to be a bit more like this, but if it doesn’t come naturally it’s actually quite hard to achieve.

Everyone I know like your DH is happier in life.

You’re confusing being self-absorbed and a poor parent and DH (which the OP’s DH is) with having strong boundaries and not people-pleasing. It’s perfectly possible to still lead a life where you centre your own needs and preferences while not neglecting your child or your spouse.

He sounds as if he is devoid of empathy. He doesn’t understand how to love and care for people. you haven’t said if he has any good points? He is not likely to change now so it’s up to you whether you are going to accept him as he is or end the marriage

What was he like when you first got to know him @ChickensAreTheAnswer ?

some people do not deal with illness or vunerability. I do think its sad I mean if anything happens to his parents does that mean he will have no one? Just because he does have carers it does not mean he has all he needs.
I must admit that he does to me strike as not being very responsible or caring