To think my husband should visit his brother

[ChickensAreTheAnswer]

Ive been married 10 years. Together for 13. My husband has an brother. He was diagnosed with severe mental health in his 20s & disabilities quite young. He is very vulnerable. He was put in secure accommodation so has his own flat but carers visit once a day. The medication hes on mean he isnt the best at looking after himself. He lives a quiet life of TV, music, bus spotting and thats it. His parents visit weekly. He lives about an hour away from us.

Do people think it's odd he's never visited his brother. The rest of the family all do. He says there is no bad blood or trauma, he just doesnt want to visit him and "doesnt have anything to talk about with him.

He's see him at Xmas if the brother comes for Xmas dinner *so maybe 4 times in 13 yrs .. but apart from that - never.

Understandable? His own choice? Or a bit odd?

I've been really let down by my husband in recent years. I was v unwell last year in hospital and he disappeared. He left the hospital v quickly after birth of baby to get back to bed. And when kids are unwell or something bad happens, he basically disengages. It got me thinking about the brother situation and whether he is essentially a bit unable to deal with anything hard.

Sorry, I judge him for this. He could take childhood photos, a book about transport or any number of things as a talking point to his brother. It’s just common humanity. I was a ‘glass child’ but I couldn’t resent that as I was so much luckier than my sibling.

Of course, you can’t make him but you’d probably think more of him if he put someone else first. And now you’re realising that this bleeds into other parts of his life. I think you should challenge this and put down some non negotiables for you. If he is immovable, I’d seriously reconsider whether I wanted to have him in my life.

It does get to that point, “if you can’t beat them, join them!”

So, it’s natural that you feel you may be the selfish one now. But, you’re not, you’re just giving up the fight of giving a crap because it doesn’t get you anywhere.

Sounds like your marriage is in trouble, and so it should be.
You and your kids deserve more thought, empathy and effort than this.
If he doesn’t want to step up, or is incapable of doing so, you have a big decision to make. This continued behaviour will erode your self esteem and will show your kids a loveless existence that they shouldn’t be exposed to.
Tread carefully for their sake right now.

You dated home, marrried and had multiple kids with him, you actively chose him as the father for your kids - so surely there must be things about him you like? I can understand not attending a kids event at school. I don’t think that’s a big deal . There is a lot more to being a parent than that.
Do you think you want to stay with him? What about getting old with him? I’m not sure I’d want to get old with someone who is t caring.

Some people aren’t close to family and shouldn’t feel pressured to act as if they are.
What was their relationship like when they were younger ? Perhaps he felt intimidated or uncomfortable around his brother ? you can’t choose your family.
He did however, choose you and his children so I’d be telling him in no uncertain terms that he needs to step up when needed and work on his avoidant behaviour wether that’s through therapy or whatever, his choice.

I think you have to accept your OH has serious limitations in how he relates to other people that aren't likely to change at his age. There's practical things you can do like trying to find other supportive and kind people in your life for you and your children. That said if it were me I think I'd just start to hate him after years of indifference.

In his case I guess he doesn’t feel that anything is unresolved. Isn’t it that he is doing what he wants to do and not doing things he doesn’t want to do? From his perspective, perhaps there isn’t a problem?

The problem here is that you’re not happy. It may be that his brother isn’t unhappy about not being visited and your kids are ok because they don’t expect anything else. You are not happy though, and you can see that there is potential for the kids to be better off if their dad did things like the sports day. But he won’t, probably because he doesn’t want to. If he wanted to, he would.

Id stop worrying about him, and other people, and look very clearly at what you want from life and your relationship, what you can control and what you can’t. I’m always recommending therapy because it’s done such a lot for me, but in this case I really think that therapy for you in some form is close to essential.

He’s within his right to not nurture a relationship with his brother, but it says a lot about him- something you’re also seeing when you need him to have any kind of caring role. I couldn’t rely on someone like that

He doesn’t sound like a nice person

Well, he’s incredibly selfish, always was and always will be. It doesn’t really matter if he has a diagnosis of anything or not, as it manifests as selfish to you. This isn’t going to change, in fact I can imagine you will feel his selfishness more as time goes on. It’s a shame for you that you didn’t spot if frim the beginning, but at least you have now. It’s up to you what you do from here. Personally, I’d rather be single and role model decent behaviour to my children.

He is a man that shouldn't be in a relationship and certainly shouldn't be a Father. He has you because he wants a housekeeper and a meal on the table. He had children because to keep you he had to go along with it.
Personally i wouldn't be living with him.

Some people are just not able to deal with illness and trauma in others. I am like that and I grew up with a very needy mother in a house where my sister was the golden child. My response was to withdraw when anyone in the family was ill, particularly hospital visits. I don't impose my own illnesses on others and seldom speak of them so I can do without other people's health dramas. Your husband may be one of those people.

He does not sound like he wants to engage in family life. Again some people (such as me) are like that. In which case why did he marry and produce children.

He sounds very much like a 'fair weather' person - fine when all is going well but no interest in showing up for his loved ones in hard times.

What happens if you or one of the children became seriously ill or disabled? It doesn't sound like he will be the man to support you.

He sounds like he is ND to me.

But - so what if he is? It doesn’t make the ops life with him pleasant.

Ur husband is a bit of a dick. Fair enough he chooses to not see the brother. likely it as he doesn’t get anything out of it. Same as with u and the kids, nothing benefits him so why bother? He’s a selfish prick actually and I’d be out of there . If he grew up being second fiddle to the special needs his brother had then he should be doing absolutely everything to make sure his kids never feel unnoticed or unloved.

Nowhere was it suggested that it does make life pleasant for the OP. It would explain a lot, about why he behaves as he does. Anybody can just trash him though, and call him shitty!

I married one like that selfish and self absorbed . He could play the nice guy to achieve what HE wanted which is why I married him . The reality that we were all in his satellite took awhile to realise . He wasn't nasty or unkind just inattentive and disengaged . I also had to remind him to call his family because otherwise he wouldn't bother . They were decent grandparents so I felt bad for them . No arguement he just couldn't be bothered . He also told me how tired he was after my son was born at 2am .

Sounds like he should have stayed single. I think a lot of men are quite selfish tbh, especially where kids are concerned.

If they had to do what Mothers all do, I suspect many wouldn’t choose to have kids.

Your husband's relationship with his brother is entirely up to him, and it's not your place to decide he 'should' visit him out of duty. Just because two people are siblings, there doesn't have to be a sense of obligation to be close. If he feels he doesn't have anything in common with his brother and they have nothing to talk about, there's a good chance that neither of them get much out of him visiting.

If you feel let down by the way your husband behaves towards you, then that's obviously a different matter, so focus on that rather than trying to force him into family relationships he doesn't want.

I find it odd that you’re so concerned about his relationship with his brother when your real concern should be what a shit husband and father he is.

This does seem like a bigger problem -he seems remarkably solipsistic. Have you talked to him about this vis-a-vis you and the DC?

This, again what was his childhood like? Was he loved and nursed as a child or the glass child because all attention on the brother? Did he start your relationship as kind and caring?