AIBU to end things after feeling unsupported with parenting and burnout?

[Scotgirl456]

AIBU to end a relationship over this?

I’m really struggling and could do with some perspective because I feel completely broken by what has happened.

My partner and I have a son who is nearly 3. We split up a few weeks ago and he moved out 2 days ago. Since then I’ve been in more pain than I can describe and I’m questioning whether I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.

For context, we both work full-time and the last 6 months have been the hardest period of my life. I’ve been completely burnt out, chronically sleep deprived and struggling with ADHD, OCD and CPTSD. I’ve also been having EMDR therapy for childhood emotional neglect, which has brought up a huge amount of emotional pain.

Throughout our relationship I’ve generally carried a lot of the mental load and financial responsibility. I organise the bills and if unexpected costs come up, such as car repairs, replacing appliances or other household expenses, I pay for them.

At the same time, I have felt increasingly overwhelmed by parenting and life in general. What I’ve been desperately asking for is more support to be seen and more breaks because I genuinely felt like I was drowning.

My partner plays golf every Saturday. He leaves around 7.30am and is usually back around 1.30pm or 2pm. Over time I became increasingly resentful because I felt like I never got equivalent time to myself.

What makes this harder is that before we had our son I had absolutely no issue with his hobbies. I actively encouraged them and was happy for him to spend weekends playing sport. I’ve never wanted him to give up the things he enjoys.

What changed was that we became parents, our son was still very young, and I was becoming increasingly burnt out. I wasn’t asking him to stop his hobbies altogether. I think I was hoping he might scale them back for a period of time while I was struggling so much and while our son was still little. When I raised this, he would say he wouldn’t be made to feel guilty for having hobbies.

A recent example was when he played badminton one evening and then went out again later for a football match. I said I was feeling resentful and asked why he hadn’t just chosen one activity that day. His response was that he needs a life too.

What makes me so sad is that he is genuinely a lovely man. There isn’t a bad bone in his body. He isn’t malicious, controlling or cruel. He’s also a wonderful dad and our son absolutely adores him. One of the things that makes this so painful is that I never wanted him to lose having both of us together as a family.

But I’ve spent years feeling unseen. It’s like he can see that I’m struggling, but not really understand the depth of it or respond to it in a way that helps. I don’t think he means to hurt me, but I often felt alone even when we were together.

Everything came to a head a few weeks ago when I had a huge work deadline. I was working throughout the weekend and late into the night on top of already being burnt out. In his defence, he had taken our son out for a couple of hours that afternoon while I worked, and I think in his mind that was him doing his bit.

But from my perspective I was working virtually the entire weekend, was completely exhausted, and still carrying on when they got back. That evening he went to the pub at around 6pm and didn’t get home until 3am. I then spent two hours trying to get our son to sleep by myself and something in me just broke. I remember sitting there feeling completely overwhelmed and alone. I told him it was over.

What I’m struggling with now is that he seems to place most of the responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship on me.

He says I snapped at him, threatened to leave and made him feel like he could never do the right thing. I can absolutely acknowledge that I became increasingly frustrated, emotional and overwhelmed over the last few years. There were times when I said I couldn’t carry on like this.

But what I find difficult is that those reactions didn’t happen in a vacuum. I wasn’t angry because I wanted to hurt him. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and repeatedly trying to communicate that I wasn’t coping.

I can hand on heart say that I have never wanted to be cruel to him or deliberately hurt him. Most of my frustration came from feeling unsupported and desperate for things to change.

Now I feel as though the focus is entirely on how my reactions made him feel, with very little acknowledgement of what led me to become so unhappy in the first place.

The thing I keep going round and round in my head about is whether this is actually all my fault. If I didn’t have ADHD, OCD and CPTSD, if I wasn’t dealing with burnout and trauma therapy, would I have been able to carry on in this relationship? Was the relationship genuinely not meeting my needs, or have my own difficulties made it impossible for me to cope with something that other people would have managed?

I still love him. Seeing him move out has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. I also hate seeing the impact on our son, who loves his dad so much.

AIBU to have expected more support, or have I ended a relationship because I simply couldn’t cope anymore?

When you’re doing everything in a relationship the resentment absolutely kills it.
It's easier without the resentment and you get a break when the child is with the other parent.
YANBU

You say he's lovely, but a lovely man would not do any of the things he's done. From an outside perspective, he seems to be lazy and selfish

He doesn't sound lovely, he sounds extremely selfish. You're better off without him

Without laying blame anywhere, I'm not sure what you have gained. You will be solely responsible for your son (I assume) most of the time, as well as running your household and continuing to work f/t.

It does seem that, as a couple, you neglected to work out how life would include childcare responsibilities after you became parents. Both parents need to change their lifestyles to work around the child, rather than trying to shoehorn the child into your previous lifestyles, while carrying on as normal.

He is not "genuinely a lovely man", he is a thoughtless selfish ass who thinks that he should be able to carry on doing what he wants to whenever he wants, despite now being a parent. No wonder you're burned out, the cognitive dissonance between your belief that he is a lovely man and his behaviour alone would do it.

You are well rid. As others have said, the resntment builds in a situation like this.

Honestly, there are kind of two ways of looking at it.

The one that is favoured on here is that you should expect and indeed demand 50/50 (and more besides) as the absolute minimum and if the partner won’t or can’t give this then you end the relationship.

Problem is this brings its own problems. It’s true that sometimes parenting alone can be easier. But although the early years are hard they don’t last forever and I’d be wary of making big decisions in the thick of it.

Only you know if this is a man who is inherently selfish and unkind or a man who is thoughtless and not realising how hard toddlers are.

Think it can be very difficult to have it all, both working full time would definitely put a strain on our relationship

The thing I keep going round and round in my head about is whether this is actually all my fault. If I didn’t have ADHD, OCD and CPTSD, if I wasn’t dealing with burnout and trauma therapy, would I have been able to carry on in this relationship? Was the relationship genuinely not meeting my needs, or have my own difficulties made it impossible for me to cope with something that other people would have managed?

But you ARE you. He got together with you, had a baby with you. Would someone else have had a different relationship? Probably. For example I don't have OCD or C-PTSD and I would have told him to fuck off with the golf years ago. Apart from anything else, if it was trauma, that's not your fault either.

This sounds like such a difficult and painful situation OP. I don't think you're being unreasonable, at least, not unreasonable to feel the way you do or to have snapped. I don't want to comment about whether it was the right thing to end the relationship, because I just don't know. I think only you can decide whether you're better off in it or out of it, and maybe that will take some time.

This part of your post really stands out to me:
The thing I keep going round and round in my head about is whether this is actually all my fault. If I didn’t have ADHD, OCD and CPTSD, if I wasn’t dealing with burnout and trauma therapy, would I have been able to carry on in this relationship? Was the relationship genuinely not meeting my needs, or have my own difficulties made it impossible for me to cope with something that other people would have managed?

Suppose you would have been able to continue with the relationship if not for ADHD, OCD, CPTSD, burnout and trauma therapy. That doesn't make it your fault! Those things aren't your fault and you were/are dealing with them, and what a lot to deal with, esp while working and raising a child.

A good partner will meet you where you are at, and it does seem unfair that he got to have hobbies and downtime when it doesn't sound like you did.

I know from experience that with MI there isn't much, if any downtime. If you're wondering whether your MI might have coloured your view of things then maybe look at the number of hours you were doing solo childcare vs the number of hours he was. That should be a simple ratio and, imo, ideally should be close to equal.

His reaction when you asked him to scale back his hobbies sounds pretty selfish tbh. How supportive of your struggles is he generally? It concerns me that you often felt alone even when together.

I'd give it a bit of time to let the dust settle and the raw pain of the breakup to ease a little. Then, if you still think you might want to try again, show him what you've written here or a version thereof. Maybe he didn't realise quite how much you've been struggling, and if he did his response would be less defensive/blaming. If he did or does realise and still thinks it's his right to spend this much time on his hobbies, he's being a selfish ***

Him doing "his bit" is taking the child out for a couple of hours because you have a hard work deadline? And as a reward he then went on a 9 hour bender getting in at 3am all because he had the child for a few hours? Thats not a good dad, thats not a good partner. That's a shit self centred arse.

Take off your rose coloured spectacles. He isnt a nice guy, he isnt an amazing father, he isnt a fabulous partner. Hes a selfish lazy arse of a manchild.

You're broken at the thought of tearing your family apart; and he is sitting there and being petulant He says I snapped at him, threatened to leave and made him feel like he could never do the right thing. That's not adult, thats not self aware, thats not "what is wrong and what can we do to make our situation better; its DARVO & selfish.

Now I feel as though the focus is entirely on how my reactions made him feel, with very little acknowledgement of what led me to become so unhappy in the first place. Yes DARVO. He has reversed and is now the victim, he hasn't done anything wrong, you're the one causing all the problems that led here and its all your fault, that you need to fix.... how you got here is because he wasnt present. He wasnt helping, you werent a formidable team, you were the parent and he was the man with hobbies who needed a life too!

YANBU to have wanted and needed more.

YANBU to end the relationship because presently the only course I can see is you fawning and sweeping it all under the rug, going back, nothing will change on his part but it will get worse for you because he doesnt see an issue with him doing fk all and you doing it all.

He can still have a relationship with his child, maybe when he has to do it all for his bit then he might see how you were carrying it; probably not though. Dont make any decisions in the moment. Stop, take stock. You want to know how he is going to fix it, what does he propose changes in your setup. If all he comes up with is me me me, you can assess just how much your "family" features in his priority.

"What makes me so sad is that he is genuinely a lovely man. There isn’t a bad bone in his body. He isn’t malicious, controlling or cruel."

He's not genuinely a lovely man

I think you are sad right now because things are very new and it is a big change. I have a 9YO, parenting is difficult for a long time. I think long term you will be glad you bit the bullet early on.

He isn't lovely if he didn't help you and didn't do his fair share with your child. He's a selfish arse.

It sounds to me like you needed to take a week of annual leave and go somewhere alone to process your emotional trauma, and maybe some couple’s counselling on division of labour and communication.

I don’t think separating is going to make your life any less overwhelming.

He’s not a lovely man, he’s a selfish arsehole.

It sounds from your description like he just never stepped up as a father. Didn't take on half the childcare as default. Didn't adjust and take on more when you had other pulls on your time. But still constantly dropped the ball so he could go off and have time for himself.

I do wonder to what extent the disparity was driven by you not taking time that you should have. You say you never got the equivalent of his weekend golfing, for instance, bit don't mention that you tried to take time and he refused to look after your DC. I think that can be quite common with women with young DC - we have a tendency to focus on the home and not take for ourselves that we probably ought to. Often that's reinforced by men who get arsey when we do, but not always.

However, your description of the weekend when you were working shows that he was blind to the load you were carrying. And you had previously told him how much you were struggling. So you even if you should have taken a bit more responsibility for your own welfare, he clearly wasn't taking the responsibility for his role in family life that he needed to.

These sorts of things rarely get better until the DC no longer require your time in the same way, so splitting up is likely to make you happier overall.

He isn’t t lovely, he is very selfish. Before our children came along, my husband played football and went for drinks on Sundays. That was fine with me. But after our first child I did resent him going out all day and leaving me with the baby. We had a row about it and he stopped going. Things improved and we co parent over the weekend. Your husband keeps saying he needs a life but what about you? Doesn’t he think you need a life away from the baby too?!

Your DH is not a kind, lovely man. He may be charming, he may do nice things once in a while, and he may be popular with his golf buddies etc. But, kind and lovely he is not, A kind person would not watch their partner struggle and head out to golf or to the pub for hours on end. It isn't about whether it is 50-50 even, its just wanting to make the person you love and care for feel loved and cared for, and to make life easier for them. I was with a man like your DH, and it is awful to feel like they just don't see you. Don't backtrack on this decision, because you will be back here soon enough if you do.

Thank you for all the replies. I’ve read them all, even the ones that are difficult to hear.

A few people have pointed out that my partner works hard, and I completely agree. He does. This was never about him being lazy or not caring about our son. We both work full-time because financially we have to. If we could afford it, I’d happily be a stay-at-home mum.

I think what I’m struggling to explain is that this wasn’t really about one specific incident or about counting who did more hours of childcare. It was about feeling increasingly burnt out over a long period of time and not feeling emotionally supported when I was telling him how much I was struggling.

Some posters have said that taking our son out for a couple of hours should have been enough. I appreciated that, and I know he was trying to help. But at the time I was working throughout the entire weekend to meet a deadline, so I was still carrying a lot. I don’t think either of us were deliberately being unfair; I think we were both exhausted and viewing things from our own perspectives.

I also accept that burnout and stress may have affected how I viewed things. I’m not pretending I’ve handled everything perfectly. I know I’ve been overwhelmed for a long time, and that has inevitably had an impact on the relationship.

The reason I’m questioning the relationship isn’t because I think he’s a bad person or a bad dad. He isn’t. It’s because after years of communicating that I was struggling, I still felt very alone with those feelings. Whether that’s because we were incompatible, because we communicate differently, or because we both became stuck in our roles, I honestly don’t know.

I don’t hate him. I’m incredibly sad. I think that’s why this has been such a difficult decision. If this was simply about someone being awful, it would actually be much easier.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply.

Why were you not carving out pockets of time and leaving your partner with your child? He gets back from golf and you then say right now you’re back I’m going to pop out shopping/ see my mum/ insert as appropriate?
he’s out one night playing football, another night I’m going to go to yoga, go for a walk with a friend?

I think most men are intrinsically selfish, and I really struggled with raising our kids essentially alone because DH had a million other things to do than be a parent. I've never been able to let go of that resentment in truth. You are very brave to be doing this, and not tolerating his crap.

Just don't fall into the trap of being the default parent now you're splitting. Push for 50/50 so that you're not facing a life of burn out, because the chances are he'll meet someone and drop his DC like a hot brick.

So he is watching you struggle, not helping, and then blaming you for your reaction to his bad behaviour. That is exactly what abusive exDP and my controlling exfriend did.

I’ll give you a very crass example of my friend. I spent a few weeks looking for a new place to live so I could leave exDP. I told her I had found somewhere. She then told me that everyone in the area knew that the place I was moving to was full of prostitutes and drug addicts. She said I would be woken up in the night by police raids and would be stepping on vomit in the corridors. I then had 2 sleepless worrying that she might be right. I moved in. Everything was fine. After a couple of weeks, I got chatting to a few of my neighbours who has all been living in the place for between 10 and 20 years and not one of them knew of any incidences of prostitution or drug problems or police raids. I then knew that my friend had invented the whole story. I told her what the neighbours had said and her reaction was that I had upset her because, according to her, I should have realised that she was trying to protect me. Errrr well nobody protects their friends and loved ones by making up massive lies. She should have just apologised because she was in the wrong but instead she dumped me which to be honest was a blessing.

What your DH is doing sounds similar but more subtle.

exDP was very much like your DH. I’d get upset about him leaving me to struggle with all the child care while he was relaxing on the sofa. I would then get cross with him and he would tell me that I was being nasty because I was saying everything was his fault….. well I would never have got to that point if he had just helped a little, like any reasonable person. I was perfectly happy to do the majority. But I was not happy to be left struggling on my own all evening while he spent all evening relaxing.

I understand completely what you mean OP about feeling unsupported. It sounds like he’s never adapted to fatherhood and has left the burden of responsibility to you. Having said that, it sounds like you have your own struggle with your past and it’s possible that that has resulted in you not communicating your needs in a way that he can hear.

If he’s a good man and willing to try counselling I think you would have a good chance of saving the relationship with a long course of relationship therapy. You may come out of it stronger.

He hasn't heard you for years and he's still not hearing you now. If he won't listen, and try to understand your side of things, there is no hope anyway and the resentment will just grow and grow for you. Stop feeling bad about yourself - he's basically gaslighting you and blaming you for his behaviour and lack of understanding. He sounds very selfish and as though he does the bare minimum to support you. No wonder you are so exhausted and think you are broken - he has broken you.

Would he consider counselling?

That's a fair question and something I've been reflecting on a lot.
The reality is there always seemed to be something on at weekends - children's birthday parties, family commitments, housework, food shopping and all the other life admin that comes with having a child and two parents working full-time.
I think what I needed when I was burnt out wasn't necessarily more hobbies or time away, it was more of an "all hands on deck" team approach. By that point I felt like I was struggling to keep my head above water and needed us to tackle things together.
Part of what I'm questioning now is whether my burnout and trauma responses affected how I saw things. I genuinely don't know where the line is between being unsupported and being so overwhelmed that I couldn't see solutions that might have helped.