AIBU to end things after feeling unsupported with parenting and burnout?

[Scotgirl456]

AIBU to end a relationship over this?

I’m really struggling and could do with some perspective because I feel completely broken by what has happened.

My partner and I have a son who is nearly 3. We split up a few weeks ago and he moved out 2 days ago. Since then I’ve been in more pain than I can describe and I’m questioning whether I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.

For context, we both work full-time and the last 6 months have been the hardest period of my life. I’ve been completely burnt out, chronically sleep deprived and struggling with ADHD, OCD and CPTSD. I’ve also been having EMDR therapy for childhood emotional neglect, which has brought up a huge amount of emotional pain.

Throughout our relationship I’ve generally carried a lot of the mental load and financial responsibility. I organise the bills and if unexpected costs come up, such as car repairs, replacing appliances or other household expenses, I pay for them.

At the same time, I have felt increasingly overwhelmed by parenting and life in general. What I’ve been desperately asking for is more support to be seen and more breaks because I genuinely felt like I was drowning.

My partner plays golf every Saturday. He leaves around 7.30am and is usually back around 1.30pm or 2pm. Over time I became increasingly resentful because I felt like I never got equivalent time to myself.

What makes this harder is that before we had our son I had absolutely no issue with his hobbies. I actively encouraged them and was happy for him to spend weekends playing sport. I’ve never wanted him to give up the things he enjoys.

What changed was that we became parents, our son was still very young, and I was becoming increasingly burnt out. I wasn’t asking him to stop his hobbies altogether. I think I was hoping he might scale them back for a period of time while I was struggling so much and while our son was still little. When I raised this, he would say he wouldn’t be made to feel guilty for having hobbies.

A recent example was when he played badminton one evening and then went out again later for a football match. I said I was feeling resentful and asked why he hadn’t just chosen one activity that day. His response was that he needs a life too.

What makes me so sad is that he is genuinely a lovely man. There isn’t a bad bone in his body. He isn’t malicious, controlling or cruel. He’s also a wonderful dad and our son absolutely adores him. One of the things that makes this so painful is that I never wanted him to lose having both of us together as a family.

But I’ve spent years feeling unseen. It’s like he can see that I’m struggling, but not really understand the depth of it or respond to it in a way that helps. I don’t think he means to hurt me, but I often felt alone even when we were together.

Everything came to a head a few weeks ago when I had a huge work deadline. I was working throughout the weekend and late into the night on top of already being burnt out. In his defence, he had taken our son out for a couple of hours that afternoon while I worked, and I think in his mind that was him doing his bit.

But from my perspective I was working virtually the entire weekend, was completely exhausted, and still carrying on when they got back. That evening he went to the pub at around 6pm and didn’t get home until 3am. I then spent two hours trying to get our son to sleep by myself and something in me just broke. I remember sitting there feeling completely overwhelmed and alone. I told him it was over.

What I’m struggling with now is that he seems to place most of the responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship on me.

He says I snapped at him, threatened to leave and made him feel like he could never do the right thing. I can absolutely acknowledge that I became increasingly frustrated, emotional and overwhelmed over the last few years. There were times when I said I couldn’t carry on like this.

But what I find difficult is that those reactions didn’t happen in a vacuum. I wasn’t angry because I wanted to hurt him. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and repeatedly trying to communicate that I wasn’t coping.

I can hand on heart say that I have never wanted to be cruel to him or deliberately hurt him. Most of my frustration came from feeling unsupported and desperate for things to change.

Now I feel as though the focus is entirely on how my reactions made him feel, with very little acknowledgement of what led me to become so unhappy in the first place.

The thing I keep going round and round in my head about is whether this is actually all my fault. If I didn’t have ADHD, OCD and CPTSD, if I wasn’t dealing with burnout and trauma therapy, would I have been able to carry on in this relationship? Was the relationship genuinely not meeting my needs, or have my own difficulties made it impossible for me to cope with something that other people would have managed?

I still love him. Seeing him move out has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. I also hate seeing the impact on our son, who loves his dad so much.

AIBU to have expected more support, or have I ended a relationship because I simply couldn’t cope anymore?

I don't think you're being unreasonable. For most people, if their partner had a massive deadline which meant working all weekend, they wouldn't fuck off out from 6pm - 3am and presumably be tired and useless the majority of the next day. And then they wouldn't turn it all on you for getting annoyed about his unreasonable behaviour. They would naturally take over the vast majority of home and child related stuff so their partner could meet their deadline,in the knowledge that their partner would do the same for them- swings and roundabouts. Taking a child out for 2 hours but leaving you to be the default parent for the other 22 hours that your child was awake that weekend, is doing less than the share they should be doing

I could have written your post and what really strikes me is that how is someone a lovely person or wonderful dad if they’re watching their partner drown and still putting themselves first?
When I said I was leaving his behaviour changed and suddenly it is an all hands on deck approach but it made me feel very bitter as when I said I was unhappy it didn’t change, only when I said I was leaving.
I’ve ended the relationship and I’m being blamed in the same way you are as he won’t take any meaningful accountability. It’s incredibly painful to leave someone that you love but ultimately I had to put myself first as he never will

You aren’t being unreasonable. He has stood by and watched you struggle, whether intentionally or unintentionally it doesn’t matter.
I lived in this type of situation for 15 years and when I say it’s mentally exhausting it really is. If anything this might be the wake up call your DH needs to see you are struggling. Once resentment sets in it’s very very hard to get rid of that feeling

For the benefit of others reading this thread (and this is in no way a criticism of you OP who has clearly tried and given her all only to have it thrown back in her face) my experience is that you have to make the problem their problem if you want to see any change with this type of individual. I know it is easy to say and difficult to implement, especially when children are involved. But my experience is it is the only thing that works if they don't address it the first time your raise it. Complaining, explaining, trying to put in new processes...all of it is less effective than leaving it EXCEPT making the fallout their problem. Then THEY come to YOU to try to solve it.
For example, and again I am not criticising the OP, just using some of her situations.
I organise the bills and if unexpected costs come up, such as car repairs, replacing appliances or other household expenses, I pay for them.
So I would think what will happen if the car or appliance is not fixed? Is there anyway I can work around this no matter how much pain (train, uber, WFH for car, take out meals / eat out for appliance etc) to make this at least as much his problem as mine. When he complains...'I did it last time it's your turn'.
My partner plays golf every Saturday. He leaves around 7.30am and is usually back around 1.30pm or 2pm. Over time I became increasingly resentful because I felt like I never got equivalent time to myself
Can I find something to do on Sundays half a day every week? And/Or, more confrontationally, arrange a must do activity on a Saturday - Parkrun might be a good one. Note to self to make sure I am gone by 7am. If there are complaints - 'well, you have had every Saturday to yourself for months, Its my turn now.'
<deadline> In his defence, he had taken our son out for a couple of hours that afternoon while I worked, and I think in his mind that was him doing his bit.
Next time I'd be going out to the library for the day, or a cafe if it is closed or similar and not returning until the work is done.
Even the best intentioned peopled can be thoughtless (yes I know this post is about more than thoughtlessness), so rather than keep mentioning it - try to make something their problem.
ps: this has actually backfired on me as DH has learned this approach from me and uses it against me when I start slipping!

YANBU. you did the right thing.
He is NOT the “genuinely lovely man” you describe.
No lovely man expects to carry on his pre-child life unchanged after babies arrive. They expect that they’ll need to be around to raise their children and support their wife instead of spending all their spare time in gym/pub/golf/football.
NO lovely man would listen to his wife’s cries for help as she is burning out and do precisely nothing.

Let him see how he feels now that he will be parenting on his own, hopefully 50-50, and picking up all responsibilities during his time.

So what evening do you get to go out away from child ?

So what part of tje weekend do you get to go out away from child ?

Do you have any wider family who can baby sit for you both to go out or one of you to go out ?

I don't know. Maybe he has tried his best to get OP to not get roped into working at weekends or even to find a less demanding job. And he feels that he needs to set his own boundaries now or burn out too.

I understand you are questioning yourself but from what you've written here he sounds extremely selfish. He expects his life to stay the same post kids but that's just not possible, particularly in the early years.

Hopefully he will be having his DC 50/50 now then. Hope it impinges on his golf plans, the fucking selfish twat.

Sorry - he sounds like a useless dickhead - 2 hours to 'help' you and you should be grateful? What help - its HIS SON. Hes not lovely, hes not a great dad, hes selfish twat.

I would love to think this is true but I've a feeling this type of selfish man who is adamant that he "deserves a life" of fun and hobbies won't want 50/50. I bet he'll say he "can't".

YANBU you clearly needed help. You cried and begged for help. And he went out doing what he wanted. He knew you needed help, he knew you weren't coping, he just didn't care.

What you needed was for him to say "it's ok I'm here, we'll do this together" and do it together. But he said "it doesn't matter that you're struggling, I'm still entitled to enjoy myself. "

This feeling will pass. It's daunting and you start wondering if you're making the right decision. And obviously he's blaming you and making himself the innocent victimp. Come back to this thread in a year and tell yourself what it's like. The weight that resentment puts on you is insane.

He's not a nice man, he's not a good dad. He may not shout and hit and threaten and rape but that's not the difference between good men and bad men. That's the difference between evil and not evil. Not being evil doesn't make him good. Not caring that his wife is struggling to care for his child makes him a bad husband and a bad father.