AIBU to apologise for overstepping about friend’s daughter, or leave it?

[Okeyd0key]

Firstly I am the problem, I know this but don’t know if I can fix it. Have a friend who is quite negative about her youngest girl generally, she’s always the issue one way or another and is mostly the one being corrected or assumed the wrong doer.

I kept volunteering positive things about the little girl unprompted at different points. I genuinely feel for her but I know deep down I was subtly trying to shift how the mum sees her without ever saying anything directly. The mum is a good mum but very critical and on some level I think it’s triggered feelings in me from my childhood.

Anyway the mum is shutting me down for meet ups and I know it’s because I’ve been overbearing.

I overstepped. It wasn’t my place and she never asked for my perspective, especially passively which is the worst. I feel bad about it, I’ve judged and meddled.

AIBU to drop her a ‘all ok type message’ to attempt an apology from me, or is this unhinged and self absorbed, I really like the mum on a personal friend level and I’ll miss her, or do I just leave her alone and accept the ghosting and life lesson.

Or, Is there an option 3 anyone can suggest that’s done or had done to them something similar.

You have done nothing wrong. She is the one being nasty about her 5 year old.

I would ask her directly if something is the matter as you’ve noticed she’s been a bit off with you recently and if you’ve done something which upset her you would rather address it. See what she says.

If she says it’s about you over stepping with her daughter, you can say that you understand you may have overstepped the mark, but you wanted to be nice to her as you feel that she is overly criticised, you feel awful for her and it’s brought old feelings from your own childhood to the fore.

If she gets defensive and hostile towards you then you can let the friendship go and hope she quietly takes heed of what you said. I don’t think I could be friends with a crappy parent to be honest. I don’t even have kids myself but it upsets me when kids are constantly shouted at. There’s no need. So, if it doesn’t fix the friendship then so be it.

You shouldn’t feel any shame at all, you’ve done nothing wrong. She sounds horrible and I wouldn’t want to be around her. Don’t apologise.

Your friend sounds like she has issues with her own little girl and you were right to say something.

If she's now sulking, please do not go crawling to her.

Do you definitely know this is the reason she is shutting you out?

Nobody likes their parenting criticised, directly or indirectly. She probably feels you have overstepped

Speaking up about abuse is not overstepping.

I'm assuming your view of this mother and child are accurate. It sounds like you are so identified with her daughter you are now in the child role and fawning for positive attention from your friend, having been rejected. But the healthy, adult part of you is angry and irritated by her behaviour. If you friend came back to you that part is not going to go away - and it shouldn't! I can't see this dynamic being good for you and I think going with the distance your friend is putting in place might be best. You might feel better taking this stuff to a therapist but equally staying away from your friend might be enough. It's very sad for her little girl.

You were standing up for a child in an unhealthy dynamic, you should never apologise for that. The mum is ggd one in ggd wrong here, NOT you!!

You haven’t done anything wrong,I would be the same as you to be fair.the poor kid doesn’t deserve to be treated like that at 5 yrs old.i hope she doesn’t mistreat the child as well as badmouth

There are always two sides to things, maybe the child is particularly difficult at home? Maybe she does things that the mum is more aware of but others wouldn't notice because she has clocked the behaviours before and therefore has become over zealous in seeing it as that child who is misbehaving.

Maybe a more sympathetic ear towards her 'blaming' the 5 year old would have gone down better such as asking if all was ok.

This is a good idea

if you are going to say something to her you need to have the courage to advocate for the girl (even if it confirms the friendship is over)

if you just try to smooth things over, you may restore the friendship, but it will go back to how it was and you will have to stand by in silence while she continues being mean to her daughter… I’m sure that’s not what you want either

I don't think you've done anything wrong. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who's so negative. Its draining.

I’m in favour of loving, caring, courageous conversations for the sake of the child. Forget about your relationship - honestly it doesn’t sound like a great relationship if you can’t be honest and it can get cut off for so little. But the child is important, and maybe if you say something in the right, non judgemental way you can plant a seed that helps the mother to change. Heartfelt, carefully worded email with lots of compassionate and humility, and acknowledge that you are triggered. Then leave her be…. We can hope the mum will be able to change her behaviour.

I definitely wouldn't apologise. I don't think you've done anything wrong. Sometimes being "judgy" is absolutely the right thing to do. It sounds as though this little girl is the scapegoat in her family, an absolutely soul-crushing position to be in. Well done for standing up for her. In your shoes, I would go out of my way to invite the child over to play with your kids and point out her positive traits and actions (not in an OTT way, just casually, e.g. "It was so kind of you to share your toys"). That could make a huge difference for her.

I would step back from friendship with the mother, though. She has created what sounds like an unhealthy dynamic in her family that could be extremely damaging for this child. Poor little girl.

This is my reply as well. I recommend explaining to the mother in the way you wrote in your post, however I am not confident that any change will result.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, she’s probably embarrassed or pissed off that you see her behaviour. I’d leave it.

Why do you want to be friends with her? She sounds like a total asshole. Save yourself.

You’ve done nothing wrong. Some people deserve to be judged and she is one of them. I would just leave it now though, she’s not receptive to any critiques.

I feel bad for the little girl but if it’s not social service level she’s not going to listen to you. I had a friend who was like this with all of hers and they all hate her as adults. She also would never have taken it on board even though I wanted to say many times to chill out, and did try and give hints. My adult kids really like me and we have a great relationship, so you reap what you sow. Even now she has no idea why they hate her and it’s all their fault for being difficult kids. 🙄

A friend once accused me of favouring one of my children over the other. It wasn’t the truth at all, but on reflection I could see how she’d come to that conclusion from the way I spoke about them (very different children who needed very different parenting approaches). I was quite stung, and it gave me pause. I needed some time away from her to evaluate my parenting, and also to think about how I talk about my dc.

Our friendship wasn’t harmed. After I’d had some space, things went back to normal. I think if it’s a good, healthy friendship you should be able to weather this sort of thing. Just give her a bit of time to digest.

I think that if the friendship is considered over id actually go the whole hog and send her a message pointing out that you think the way she is treating her daughter is unfair. Try and improve things for her.

This sounds like my own mother and the only time someone actually advocated for me I got told off for that
The anger never stopped. Couldn’t go one day without getting told off about something and once she started she never stopped till I was in bed and then I would have to listen to her shouting about what I had or hadn’t done to whoever would listen.

I can only say that this little girl will at some point have no feelings for her mother or father if they continue down this path and will be counting the days down to when she can leave home.

I know the child is loved and safe and I’m better away from their dynamic

Anyone who thinks that little of their child that they blame them for everything even if they aren’t anywhere near the incident doesn’t love or respect their child.
The dynamic is completely off.

I am thinking this mum is a nice middle class parent. People think only the poor or lower classes abuse their children. They don’t. It’s just hidden inside expensive houses.

She may be fed and sheltered, but she's not loved and she's not safe.

You've spoken up, there's probably nothing more you can realistically do. It's hardly shameful or judgey to speak up about the verbal and emotional abuse of a child.

Me too.
OP thank you for stepping up for the little girl, poor thing😥