AIBU to apologise for overstepping about friend’s daughter, or leave it?

[Okeyd0key]

Firstly I am the problem, I know this but don’t know if I can fix it. Have a friend who is quite negative about her youngest girl generally, she’s always the issue one way or another and is mostly the one being corrected or assumed the wrong doer.

I kept volunteering positive things about the little girl unprompted at different points. I genuinely feel for her but I know deep down I was subtly trying to shift how the mum sees her without ever saying anything directly. The mum is a good mum but very critical and on some level I think it’s triggered feelings in me from my childhood.

Anyway the mum is shutting me down for meet ups and I know it’s because I’ve been overbearing.

I overstepped. It wasn’t my place and she never asked for my perspective, especially passively which is the worst. I feel bad about it, I’ve judged and meddled.

AIBU to drop her a ‘all ok type message’ to attempt an apology from me, or is this unhinged and self absorbed, I really like the mum on a personal friend level and I’ll miss her, or do I just leave her alone and accept the ghosting and life lesson.

Or, Is there an option 3 anyone can suggest that’s done or had done to them something similar.

Message her openly with an adapted version of what you have said here. You have nothing to lose and she may understand from where you are coming.

It doesn't sound to me like you have done anything wrong. Someone is cross with you because you spoke too nicely about their child?!

It doesn't sound like someone I would want much to do with. The rubbish has taken itself out, to my mind.

You say you know you're the problem and that you've over stepped.
Sending an "all ok type message" to someone that's shutting you down for reasons both of you seemingly know of will probably have them never contacting you again.

Unfortunately if they remind you of your childhood maybe concentrate on getting help for that instead of criticising others.

Honestly it completely depends on what sort of things you’ve said.

If it’s just a case of you feeling like the girl was being somewhat picked on by her mum and not wanting to join in on negative conversations about her by shifting it to the positives, then I don’t think you’ve really done anything wrong here.

I would message her but I wouldn't expect her to reply. I'd say that I'd noticed she's often negative about her daughter and that I was unsure whether she'd noticed or not. I'd say that my experience of receiving negative comments as a child had left me with very long-lasting issues and depression, and that that was why I'd tried to counteract her negativity towards her amazing daughter with some positivity.

What have you both said exactly? Is she negative in front of/towards the child? You seem very sure you overstepped, but I'm not seeing that from what you posted. More context may help.

I agree. This sounds like a messed up situation.
If you do decide to message her and reconcile I'd make sure you als let her know you can't be the sounding board for her criticisms of her daughter any more.

What have you done wrong? You say you are the problem, but it is hard to see why. Sticking up for a child who might be at risk of emotional damage, and doing it in a positive way that sounds very appropriate, can only be a good thing. Don't engage with this mother/'s negativity. You have nothing to apologise for and should be glad you were positive about her child.

Based on what you have said about this woman's attitude towards her own daughter stirring up childhood feelings in you, I would guess you're seeking her validation on some subconscious level. You don't need people in your life you need permission from to have an opinion.

It really depends on what she’s said. My mum said awful things about me to my face as a child and I would hate to hear a mum criticise her child and would want to stick up for her too.

Theres a difference between your friend saying something along the line of ‘Sue is so forgetful, she forgot her PE kit again’ or ‘Sue is doing badly at school because she’s stupid’. I don’t particularly like either but I would be able to tolerate the first statement but not the second.

if it was the second then I’d be inclined to drop the friendship because people who speak like that about their kids are unlikely to ever change.

The mum is a good mum but very critical and on some level I think it’s triggered feelings in me from my childhood.

I think you'll need to deal with this first and then eventually make contact again if you feel your issues are resolved.

Otherwise it's going to happen again.

She rolls her eyes about her a lot with no positives, and generally assumes she’s the cause of any problem at get-togethers (she’s not btw), this isn’t the case for the other kids (she’s the middle child, 5 years old)

It’s not that she says anything one on one specific it’s just a general tone. Bit like how a person treats their hen pecked other half, it’s an ongoing critique.

I did snap the other day, well more exasperated said ‘course it’s not x she’s in the sandpit.’

I did want to say ffs give it a bloody rest for one day.

However it’s definitely triggering me so maybe I should look into that like it’s been suggested.

Don’t try and apologise via text. Instead you might ask her for a coffee and a catch up as you have missed her company recently. Then use that opportunity to very tactfully approach the subject if you think there’s any mileage in it.

I think we need more context to advise…it could be anything between ‘call social services’ and ‘seek help for your own issues and text her to apologise’, depending on how exactly she treats her daughter and what you have said.

It’s def not social services situation, but the child is less favoured which is sad.

I don’t think you should apologise for advocating for the little one. You’ve convinced yourself you’ve overstepped by making comments, but they sound like they’re in response to genuine unkindness from the mam. Hopefully you say things to the little girls face as well (maybe not as a response to the mum!) but let her know she’s enough and you enjoy seeing her.

I suspect she didn't like you (possibly, very fairly) calling out and criticising her behaviour towards her child.

I too have been in a similar situation. More than one of us gently told the parent they were too harsh on one of their 3 children. They reacted with anger and as if it were a personal attack on them (and we were far more gentle with them than they were with their child). Anyway, parent and (now grown up child) are completely estranged and it's caused ripples through the sibling relationships too.

I wouldn't apologise or reach out to this woman.

I think you’re right. I’m going to leave it, I guess I feel bad because I’ve been rightly caught out being judgey and I like to think I’m not, but my judgement has definitely come across to her and I know it. I feel a bit of shame around that. It doesn’t excuse whether I’m right or not, it’s their parenting not mine. I know the child is loved and safe and I’m better away from their dynamic.

You've done the right thing and you shouldn't feel any shame. You might have highlighted her behaviour so she's had to take a look at herself. Well done and just step away for now. If only more people would do what you have done - parenting like that should be judged and reacted to.

Well maybe you’ve triggered a response in her @Okeyd0key?
She may well find her child annoying and it makes her snappy and favour her other children? 5 year olds can be irritating at times!
I wonder if she has some awareness of this and feels some guilt for being snappy although they still love them very much? Maybe you championing her child (rightly so!) then increases her guilt, she’s been “called out”.
Its a tough one, but I can see your point.

You've done nothing wrong. You advocated for a child who is being singled out by mum (and child probably has picked up on it), Mum definitely has now which an only be good.

You've done nothing wrong, mum needs to stop being a massive cow and realise her 5yr old isnt the root of all her problems before it starts impacting her mentally. Being the lass favoured child isnt good for developing minds, being the one singled out and shouted at definitely isnt. Poor baby girl.

You did the right thing by her scapegoat child. I hope she takes note

Don’t just send a polite message. You’ve got nothing to lose. I’d message her explaining exactly why you said what you did and double down on her asking her what exactly she hopes to gain by singling out her middle child for constant criticism. Tell her you feel incredibly sorry for the little girl and tell her you understand that the truth hurts but she should take a long hard look in the mirror and own up to her behaviour. @Okeyd0key You did nothing wrong.

I'm so glad someone's speaking up for that poor little girl. You've done nothing wrong. I'm triggered just reading about it.

Don't apologise.

I wish my 'mother' had a friend like you when I was growing up. Having someone, anyone pull her up on constantly making me a scapegoat for everything has followed me throughout my life. It is abuse and she knows her actions are not being tolerated and has to now avoid you to avoid the accountability that she is the problem not the poor child.