For not wanting DD playing in adult DB bedroom?

[Badab1ng]

I have a 3 year old DD. I also have a DB who is 19 so quite a bit younger than me. We aren’t close at all, have different Dad’s and I moved to uni when he was in KS1 and never moved back home so don’t have much of a relationship. If I try to talk to him I get a few grunts but not much conversation.

Myself and my Mum have clashed on a few occasions as he dropped out of school, refused to go to college or any further education and stays up until 6am gaming. He has very little friends as they all seem to exist online. He also had quite a few violent outbursts hitting my Mum as a teenager but the last one was when he was 16. I told her to stop telling me stuff if she didn’t want my criticising him. Just to give some context to my relationship with him.

I live two hours away from my Mum and we rarely go to her house as we use my grandparents house as a meeting spot instead. However at the weekend I visited and was chatting to my Mum in the kitchen whilst DD was playing in the living room where I could see her. DB was playing with her which is nice and I was happy to see him making an effort. However he started saying he was bringing her upstairs to play on his PlayStation.

I said no thank you she’s not going upstairs she will play where I can see her. He persisted and said well he’s an adult and he will watch her play upstairs (in his room) on the PlayStation. I said to bring it downstairs then. We ended up having a bit of a disagreement as I wouldn’t let her up in his room but eventually he brought the PlayStation downstairs.

My Mum was off with me after it and has now sent me a text saying she doesn’t appreciate how I treated him like a predator as he’s my brother and she’s upset about it.

I never said such a thing and if I’m being honest she’s never played in anyone’s room at all. Even on play dates she plays in the living room with her friend whilst I chat to their parents. AIBU here?

Not unreasonable at all, very sensible.

YANBU, he’s an adult male that neither you nor DD know.

It’s weird of your mum and of him to take offence rather than understand.

Your brother has been violent towards your Mum, I wouldn’t be happy either.

YANBU at all

YANBU

And well done for standing up for your DD here.
So many MNers are absolute wet blankets constantly afraid of upsetting people, particularly family.

Stick to your guns on this one OP. Well done for protecting your DD.

Tell your mother you don't appreciate her trying to make your child be alone with her violent adult son, that you're upset about it 💁
Everyone should prioritise a child's safety, there is never any reason for a child to be alone in a bedroom with a man she doesn't know, especially one with a terrible track record.

There are a great many reasons why I wouldn't want my three year old child alone with a violent adult they barely know, out of my sight and earshot, in a room they're not familiar with - and only one of them is "predator." I think the fact that your brother even suggested it demonstrates a distinct lack of common sense, which makes him a poor choice to look after anyone's three year old. YANBU in the slightest.

I think you are correct and I applaud you. I speak from experience as a sibling 10 years older than me, took advantage. Sexual assault of children by older male relatives are very common and not highlighted because many families feel too ashamed. You are absolutely doing the right thing. A grown man’s feelings are not more important than a vulnerable child’s safety.

My uncle sexually assaulted me, so you were quite right. He knew me from a baby and he and my mother were quite close. I never told my mother. You never know what a man is capable of, so you were 100% correct.

I wouldn't have allowed it without a parent there.

I wouldn't want my three year old to be using a Play Station, either

I agree with you - you did exactly the right thing. You don't have a real relationship with him and he's shown his character in the past - it's not pretty. There's absolutely no reason why your daughter should spend time upstairs with him and absolutely no reason why she should use a bloody playstation, for that matter!

What were they playing on the PlayStation? Can’t imagine he had many 3yo suitable games.

DS was only allowed to go on a PlayStation and in fact any tech when he was downstairs in the room with us when he was young (no tech when he was 3 but that was a good few years ago!)

Three year olds shouldn’t be playing on or watching someone else playing on a PlayStation anyway

I can see why they'd be offended, but it often is the uncle. You did the right thing, safety first.

Why on earth would a 3yo want to play on a PlayStation?
Definitely the sexual abuse potential is a key concern, but so is the potential for being exposed to awful violent video games.

You did the right thing. Well done.

Thank you for all of the replies.

Whilst I don’t think he was taking her upstairs to sexually abuse her, you can never be sure of any man and I would like to try to protect my DD for as long as I can. Plus his past history of violence I would prefer them not to be alone. I think his argument was because he was too lazy to bring it downstairs. He wanted to show her the VR headset and tbh she put it on for a couple of seconds and then was uninterested.

BIL has several children who are all boys and there is an 8 year difference between her and the youngest and I don’t allow her to play in their bedroom either. SIL is very good with this though and ensures they all play downstairs and don’t even attempt to go upstairs.

My Mum is very sensitive to any criticism of my brother at all and it has caused many arguments between her and my Grandparents too. I think she’s seeing it as an attack from me to him, rather than seeing me as a Mother protecting her child.

YADNBU! Well done for advocating for your daughter.

FWIW I wouldn’t let your daughter spend time at your mum’s as clearly she doesn’t respect your boundaries.

Yes I agree and it’s a point my DH made after I got home and told him about it.

My Mum has only ever had DD over night once and it was at our house when we went to a wedding and she came alone. She’s never had DD at her house alone for a multitude of reasons and my DB’s previous violent behaviour does play into this although he does seem to be trying with DD.

I was ready to say you were being unreasonable based on your post title but the additional context changed my mind. Both my kids loved playing in my brother's room when they were little - he had all the fun gadgets and gizmos that they loved. But I trusted my brother completely and yours has a history that doesn't warrant trust.

Plus now I think about it, my brother always kept his bedroom door open when the kids were in there.

YANBU but it might have been more tactful to say she is not allowed Playstation rather than not allowed upstairs. Would that have worked? I can't imagine a 19yo has anything else in his room that would interest a 3yo.

YANBU he says he is an adult but he doesn’t have any experience of children. So (violence aside) you want your DD where you can see her so you can supervise her. Your mum has put the predator spin on it

she doesn’t appreciate how I treated him like a predator

Your mum went there, she thought it, shes not admitting it and she wont but she thought it. He might not be a predator but she knows he's not normal. She knows he is violent, she knows he locks himself away. She went there, not you...

YANBU for putting in place a boundary; that she wont adhere too because shes an enabler. She let him get to where he is, she wont rein him in.