AIBU to stop apologising and not push contact with my aunt?

[LivelyOchreQuail]

So here goes…

I come from a very chaotic (and often dysfunctional and unstable) family. Lots of falling outs, family not speaking for years etc, etc.

16 years ago my cousin had a baby and my aunt (then not speaking with my cousin) suggested I (18 and incredibly shy at the time) should take my mentally and emotionally unstable nan (barely speaking to my cousin at the time) to see my cousin (also unstable) and her new baby. Having not been involved in any falling out previously and completely daunted at the prospect of being peacemaker in such a situation, I politely declined.

I then (pressured by aforementioned cousin) wrote to my aunt to highlight the gift of the new baby in our family and to politely suggest she go and see her. My aunt did so and they all now have a wonderful, close relationship.
I genuinely only wrote the note to try to be helpful, and never ever intended to upset or offend anyone.

Through other family members I have learned of my aunts great offence at my actions (writing to her) and I have been almost ostracised for the last 16 years. On the odd occasions I have seen her since, I spent much of the time apologising for upsetting her.

My mum remains close with my aunt and I feel I am blamed for destroying a once harmonious and close relationship between her and myself. I have apologised on a number of occasions and my husband and I have offered many olive branches (most notably at our wedding, which she did attend at the request of my parents), but to no avail.

I now have a baby of my own and my parents are suggesting I “bite the bullet” and apologise to get her to see my baby (which my parents would love).

Under duress, I invited my aunt to my baby’s christening, which she did not attend.

I am now being pressured to “be the bigger person” and let her meet my baby. For many reasons, my husband and I do not feel comfortable to do this.

1. I don’t feel I actually did too much wrong, yet thus far it has been deemed unforgivable.
2. this situation always causes much family upset, not least for myself and I do not want my baby around that.
3. I feel that if my aunt wanted to see my baby, she would have. She was invited to the christening and declined, she sent a gift when I first gave birth and declined my call when I rang to thank her. I then wrote and thank you card instead*

I cannot spend my life sitting and waiting for the off chance she might want to reconnect with me. I feel constantly blamed for this situation and it has caused me a lot of guilt.

If I’m honest, I’m hurt that nobody (least of all my parents) has ever defended me in this situation and just try to pressure me to do what they want (show her my baby basically).

I do not wish for my baby to be around any angst or animosity.

Please help me rationalise this. Am I a terrible person?

Good god, far far too much drama! So much entitlement, expectation, huffing and puffing! You focus on your baby and your family, and let the highly dysfunctional wider family amuse each other with their drama (which they obviously must get something out of). I would distance myself from all of them, if I were you!

I'd feel relieved I had good reason not to deal with batshit relative..

Wow, if just be so glad not to have to see her tbh. You've apologised profusely and invited her to occasions and she's still acting like a twat. So no, you shouldn't do anything else at all to get her to see the baby. She sounds like she needs to grow the fuck up

Ditto

WTF have i read?
Your family are mad and your parents a disgrace.

Step away from them all, including your parents. Limit contact.

They are toxic. Don't have your baby around that.
This is batshit stuff.

Never go near the aunt again.

Sorry...what exactly did you do wrong, OP? Buggered if I can see anything.

She's upset at your part in healing a rift that has allowed her to have a relationship with her DD and DGC. That's bonkers. She sounds like she's enjoying being offended and having you do lots of running to try to mend a relationship that she broke. She's not going to change, so you might as well leave it now.

You did nothing wrong OP, especially to be ostracised for 16 years. Absolutely mad! I’d be tempted to send another letter to the aunt saying you didn’t mean to upset her initially and you have apologised and offered olive branches for 16 years so now she can piss off and carry on sulking for another 16 years. They’ll all LOVE the drama of that letter! And it would make me feel better too 😅. I wouldn’t have pandered to it for 16 years. Start sending the gifts back to her for a true snub.

They are all nuts, you've gone above and beyond to repair the rift ( which was not of your making) and nothing you do would make a difference anyway - they clearly thrive on drama and unpleasantness. If your apology was accepted, there would very soon be an issue with something else anyway.
Move on, live in peace with your baby.
Your parents should have defended you.

Look to the future OP. You, your husband and your baby are the next generations so concentrate on that.
You did nothing wrong, you apologised anyway and she has cut you out for 16 years? What the absolute heck?

Everyone here is going to say the same thing. No to the aunt and no to the pressure to "see the baby" what ever that means!
What does actually want when she declined the christening and a phone call from you recently already?

To see it from across a park/ when you're not there? Maybe she wants a red carpet rolled out and an event centered around her?

You can leave that sad sack aunt behind now. What an absolute loser she is. Don't look back OP.
Meanwhile you could keep the drama low key in the sense you don't say any of the above to your parents or to this loser aunt, instead just be too busy/ distracted to talk about it or to arrange this gold plated millionth apology and the royal visitation!

No, you're not a terrible person. What you appear to be though is the family Scapegoat, a common occurrence in some types of dysfunctional families.
I'm at a loss to understand why at 18 you were deemed to be the most appropriate person to act as peacemaker between your aunt and cousin when you were shy with little life experience to fall back on. The cynic in me feels you were deliberately set up to fail. I don't feel you did fail, however. Your note achieved the desired result. It's difficult to understand why your aunt is so offended by your means of communication, (your note), other than she's looking for something to be offended about.
I don't feel it's incumbent on you to be "the bigger person" when you've already offered olive branches and repeatedly apologised. I do think you need to stop apologising and put strong boundaries in place. Some families thrive on this type of chaotic drama and you're right not to subject your baby to any of this.

Thank you SO much to everyone for your comments. It has been so incredibly validating to see this from another perspective and I’m really grateful for your support. 🙏✨🙌

You did nothing at all wrong, you have nothing to apologise for. Unfortunately, the rest of your family choose to pander to this sort of behaviour but that doesn't mean you have to. Protect your own peace and concentrate on your own little family. Congratulations on your lovely little baby 💐

I would point out to your parents that it was due to your note, which you sent after being pressurised by your cousin to write to get mother, that the relationship between aunt and cousin is now so good,

I would then point out how disappointed you are with both the aunts reaction to the peacekeeping (that at the end of the day means she has a good relationship with her daughter) and your parents behaviour over this. There is no reason for you to apologise and if any apologies are due it’s from your aunt to you

I would then say you are not discussing the matter further, that you are not interested in your aunt, or having a relationship with her after her appalling behaviour towards you and there will be no further discussion on it

if they then keep mentioning it just walk away from the conversation

Keep your baby away from the trouble causers in your family as you have already extended a whole acre of olive brances to them and all they have done is extend a whole acre of thorns to you.

Up to now, they have chosen to target you, its time this stops, full stop.

You are innocent, no more apologising and focus on your immediate family.

Your cousin asked you to write a letter to her mum or aunt saying ‘hey, come and visit this brand new lovely baby’ so you did that and they have decided you’re the worst person ever.

Well, okay 🤷‍♀️.

congratulations on having your baby, keep good people around you and honestly these other wider family people are a bit distant, think of them as your fifth cousins 27 times removed or something.

Don’t give them another thought!

And don’t entertain any hints from your parents either.

Your aunt is a bully who has used something (nothing wrong, either - they should be grateful your actions resulted in a reconciliatiom) you did when you were a teenager to cosh you with for years. Your mum has let her.

You are not a terrible person, your aunt is. And your mum is probably scared of her, but definitely acting like one of her flying monkeys and allowing you to be scapegoated for other peoples' emotionally incontinent behavior

They all sound very difficult and demanding.
you’ve done nothing wrong. If your aunt wants to meet your baby you’re not going to stop her but it isn’t your job to persuade her. She’s an adult and she can make her own decisions.
it doesn’t appear to be in your gift to change things. You need to find peace in the knowledge that you can’t do anything about it. Give yourself a break and tell your mum to back off, although on second thoughts that will probably cause a lifelong rift 😬

Good luck

You’ve never done anything wrong and if you had you’ve already apologised. Your aunt is batshit and the idea that you should beg her to see YOUR child is barmy. Tell you parents that you have apologised many times and aunt is clearly too cruel to forgive/forget the made up insult you gave her. That you will not do so again as you are not a dog to bow and scrape to aunt.

Turn it back around on her. She mortally offended you by missing the christening - when she enters events, ignore her, when she has birthdays etc ignore it, tell parents you’re not speaking to her because of her behaviour. Have her be the one in the wrong.

@LivelyOchreQuail You had nothing to apologise for in the first place, and you have nothing to apologise for now. You've already apologised and offered an olive branch numerous times already.

Why on earth are your parents wanting you to apologise all over again?

Seems to me that your aunt enjoys there being a 'scapegoat' in the family, and at one time it was your cousin. The role was then assigned to you and you've been on the receiving end ever since. Not just from your aunt, but from your parents as well. I'm assuming that your aunt and your mother are sisters. Your mother appears to be siding with her toxic sister instead of sticking up for you, her own daughter. That is pretty nasty.

I would back away from the whole lot of them if I were you, and give them the grey rock treatment as much as possible.

Your whole family are vampires - they feast on drama. You are the scapegoat. They don’t want an apology because they love the friction, conflict, flouncing and you begging.

Your own parents are equally as despicable. We all only have finite time, energy and headspace - give all of yours to your DH, DC and positive people in your life.

Put this shower of emotional abusers and enablers in the rear view mirror. Your heart and mind should not be preoccupied with this nonsense - take your energy back.

I love this advice.

Be offended, be massively offended. You have every right to be.

Personally I wouldn’t fall into that trap - these people are goading for an emotional reaction just so they can attack you for that. Don’t hand them the bullets to shoot you with.

Grey rock, info diet, no emotion - indifference, detach, fade, dignity, distance.

Make new connections with emotionally healthy people where respect and kindness is mutual and reciprocal.

This does make me wonder who the Golden Child and the Scapegoat in the family were when your mum and sister were children.

No no no. Your cousin should have admitted that it was SHE who made you write the letter, instead she allowed you to take the blame because she's a coward and two faced. Your parents should have defended you. Your aunt is a massive massive twat who needs to grow the fuck up - pathetic woman/bully.

Focus on your husband and baby. The rest of your family ALL owe YOU an apology - they don't have your back, and they are batshit. None of this is normal.