AIBU to stop apologising and not push contact with my aunt?

[LivelyOchreQuail]

So here goes…

I come from a very chaotic (and often dysfunctional and unstable) family. Lots of falling outs, family not speaking for years etc, etc.

16 years ago my cousin had a baby and my aunt (then not speaking with my cousin) suggested I (18 and incredibly shy at the time) should take my mentally and emotionally unstable nan (barely speaking to my cousin at the time) to see my cousin (also unstable) and her new baby. Having not been involved in any falling out previously and completely daunted at the prospect of being peacemaker in such a situation, I politely declined.

I then (pressured by aforementioned cousin) wrote to my aunt to highlight the gift of the new baby in our family and to politely suggest she go and see her. My aunt did so and they all now have a wonderful, close relationship.
I genuinely only wrote the note to try to be helpful, and never ever intended to upset or offend anyone.

Through other family members I have learned of my aunts great offence at my actions (writing to her) and I have been almost ostracised for the last 16 years. On the odd occasions I have seen her since, I spent much of the time apologising for upsetting her.

My mum remains close with my aunt and I feel I am blamed for destroying a once harmonious and close relationship between her and myself. I have apologised on a number of occasions and my husband and I have offered many olive branches (most notably at our wedding, which she did attend at the request of my parents), but to no avail.

I now have a baby of my own and my parents are suggesting I “bite the bullet” and apologise to get her to see my baby (which my parents would love).

Under duress, I invited my aunt to my baby’s christening, which she did not attend.

I am now being pressured to “be the bigger person” and let her meet my baby. For many reasons, my husband and I do not feel comfortable to do this.

1. I don’t feel I actually did too much wrong, yet thus far it has been deemed unforgivable.
2. this situation always causes much family upset, not least for myself and I do not want my baby around that.
3. I feel that if my aunt wanted to see my baby, she would have. She was invited to the christening and declined, she sent a gift when I first gave birth and declined my call when I rang to thank her. I then wrote and thank you card instead*

I cannot spend my life sitting and waiting for the off chance she might want to reconnect with me. I feel constantly blamed for this situation and it has caused me a lot of guilt.

If I’m honest, I’m hurt that nobody (least of all my parents) has ever defended me in this situation and just try to pressure me to do what they want (show her my baby basically).

I do not wish for my baby to be around any angst or animosity.

Please help me rationalise this. Am I a terrible person?

Yes, you're right.

It's just that some people get offended constantly, and people end up walking on egg shells around them ALL the time. I have a couple of people like that in my life.

Sometimes I just think it doesn't hurt to let people like that know that they have upset you. It won't change anything but at least you've gone a little way to standing up for yourself.

I would take the (petty) high road and say to your parents "No, I won't be reaching out to aunt again. It's clear she was hurt very badly by me trying to reunite her and her DD, so badly that she can't forgive me despite me apologising before. I don't want to cause her any more pain so I am going to give her the space she has asked for, and I'd like you to respect her boundary that she has put in place too." Then ignore the angry lady and let her simmer in her own vitriol, and every time your parents try you can just repeat "Please, think of my aunt and her wishes, her boundary deserves respect"

Even at 18 you were far more emotionally intelligent and mature than your aunt. You had nothing to apologise for in the first place , no idea what planet your parents are from. They should have supported you.

When it next comes up, say 'NO. It's been SIXTEEN YEARS and I'm BORED of it. I don't want to hear about it or my aunt again. I have a baby now keeping me busy'. They've all behaved very badly to you. Focus on your baby and not these loons!

You’re a parent now and your priority is your baby and your DH. Time to focus on your own family and tune out the noise from the wider family. You don’t need the distraction.

Wow. Umm, no, you do not need to do anything here. You invited her to the Christening and she didn’t turn up! What are your parents expecting you to do? Carry on inviting her to random things so she can not turn up to them either?

Prioritise your baby and your DH. It sounds like it wouldn’t be helpful to any of you to keep trying to get angry aunt to visit.

Next time your parents ask you to invite her just say “I already did - she clearly doesn’t want to reconnect, so please stop mentioning it”.

Stop bowing and scraping she is enjoying the power. No more apologising.

it’s enough now. Either she comes to you or nothing. It’s bordering on humiliation at this point. And next time your parents ask you tell them off for not supporting you.

Everyone is treating you this way because you put up with it. You should've told them all to F off long ago. They all tiptoe around your Aunt because that's what she expects. Your Aunt is obviously wrong but do you see the lesson here? Your Aunt demands respect and you take everyone's poor behaviour towards you! YOU are the only one that can change this dynamic (or leave it FFS!)

Ok. Do this:

Draw a huge big fuck off line under it and say no more, no more with this utter drivel.
The end. It’s finished.

Now do this:
Crack on with life, don’t allow it to enter your thoughts, your actions, your front door.

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
It’s time to put a stop to it, your decision and your actions.
One answer to those trying to force this, “I’ve done all I’m going to do, I don’t want to discuss it any longer”… then rinse and repeat.

Thank you everyone 🙌I’m so so grateful for everyone’s comments. It’s amazing to feel so seen and validated, and I’m beyond thankful for you taking the time to help me see this for what it truly is ❤️

Sorry but your family sound a right bunch of twats. Bin them off. Focus on your partner and baby and only maintain contact with the nice, normal, reasonable members of your family. You won’t win with twats. They’re bonkers. Good luck 🌺

And this is the reason your aunt is the way she is: She knows she acted stupidly, she’s deep down ashamed of herself, though probably too proud to admit it. You advised her wisely, a nice person would be grateful, but she resents you for it, so has twisted it and punished you for years, and the drama lamas in your family are lapping it up.

They sound shallow and more than a bit cruel.

Walk away from Aunt, don’t invite her to anything, cut her off. She’ll spit her dummy out, because you’ve called time on her daft game. Let her. Families like these will soon find another molehill to make a mountain out of.

Enjoy your baby.