AIBU to think my fiance overreacted by getting a younger woman's number because I double booked by accident, and threw my belongings about?

[Sunglasses1979]

I am trying to work out whether I am being unfair or whether my fiancé genuinely overreacts to situations.
I was spending a long weekend with him and we had plans for Monday. Friday to Sunday eve were lovely and we did sightseeing etc. then went to his and were planning to stay there for a few nights.

However, I realised I had accidentally double-booked the Monday because my adult DD had arranged for me to meet her new boyfriend and his father over lunch. It was important to her and had been organised for a while. DD has is ND and has severe MH issues; this is the first "normal" relationship she has had and it's a huge deal for her.

I told my fiancé on Sunday afternoon that I would go to the lunch for a few hours and then come back afterwards so we could still spend the Monday evening together and the following days.

He was furious. He said I was choosing other people over him and repeatedly referred to my daughter's boyfriend and his father as "strange men". He seemed particularly upset that I would be spending time with another man, even though it was DD's BF's dad not just a random stranger.

After I had told him I had double booked and would need to go for a few hours we were arguing about it non-stop for hours. I was crying at one point and I kept saying I was sorry, it was human error, not deliberate. After all this arguing I was tired and wanted to stay in, but at around 11pm he insisted we go out. While we were out he deliberately started talking to a much younger woman, introduced himself to her, claimed he got her Instagram and then repeatedly talked about how he was meeting her for dinner the next day. His argument was that if I was going for lunch with strange men the next day, then why couldn't he meet up with a new person too? Even though it was not the same at all, obviously. The young woman must have been about 20 and we are both in our 40's so it just felt really weird and "off".

The argument continued after we got back to his for most of the night and I got very little sleep. The next morning I had to get an extremely expensive Uber to make sure I did not let my daughter down and miss the lunch. He had said not to come back to his after lunch but then called me when I was in the Uber and asked me to come back to his after all.

The lunch itself was lovely. Afterwards, I travelled back to his. However, when I arrived we had another argument. During it, he picked up my bags and threw them across the room in anger, they went everywhere as he threw them so hard.

He later continued to use the lunch as an example of me not caring about him enough and prioritising other people over our relationship, and how I like "strange men".

From my point of view, I attended an important family event for a few hours and still made the effort to return afterwards. From his point of view, I had disrespected him and chosen other people over him.

When I told him how much the Uber cost he took offence because I have never gotten an Uber to his even if I am running late; he said he didn't realise I have money in this way.

When I went back to his after the lunch I had to get a standing room only train in the middle of the heatwave; I don't like public transport at the best of times and he kept asking when I arrived what did I want to do; meet his friends in the pub or go straight to his. I said I don't care and was almost in tears as I was finding the journey so stressful. I didn't realise but he had me on loud speaker so all his friends heard me when I said "I don't care" and now he's saying his friends all think I am horrible and rude to him. When it was taken out of context and they didn't know we had been arguing all night and that he'd got a much younger woman's contact details the night before.

Am I missing something or was he overreacting?

He has done stuff like throwing presents he has bought me away. Or tearing up cards / letters I have written.

He chatted someone up on a bar.

Family not keen on him and he thinks I have no friends because they don't want to see him.

He talks a lot about his exes and in the argument we had had previously he ended up sending me a photo of 2 of his exes and how they respected him.

I think that he definitely has been more negative about my family lately.

He thinks you have booked a secret Airbnb.

The thing that really seemed to bother him was that I would be having lunch with DD's boyfriend's dad. He was crazy jealous and kept saying I was going to have a meal with a strange man I didn't know.

but due to the way my friends dislike him and siblings as well, we have ended up in a weird little cocoon where it is just the two of us and I am starting to forget what normal is like.

And the not letting me sleep is absolutely horrible and in hindsight he has done this before.

It is like I am his possession especially since we got engaged.

Last year we had an argument the day before I went away with my sisters and the day before my birthday which was when we were seeing a lot of my friends and family.

We also have had arguments before I had a job interview.

Basically every time something important was happening, we would have a big argument the night before.

he has made me choose between him and my friends and siblings

Yes this has already started with more casual acquaintances, social gatherings where I don't know many people etc.

Or when it is someone I don't know very well and it is like they are still a potential friend not an actual friend.

Or texting me so incessantly during a night out about how much he misses me that I will just cut my losses and leave early to see him

@Sunglasses1979 I have summarised everything you have written about him.

I hope this helps you to see what he is like more clearly.

DO NOT MARRY HIM

You need to end the relationship before you become his prisoner. He is a misogynistic, abusive horrible man and this needs to end before he sucks out what little self esteem you have left and isolates you from your friends and family. Leave now.

Can I ask what happened when he found out you'd done a runner? I did basically the same and he harassed me for months !

we have ended up in a weird little cocoon where it is just the two of us

but you don’t live with him @Sunglasses1979 ? you don’t work with him? You can do this. You have absolutely no financial ties with him. No kids. No assets with him.

And if you can’t do it yourself, do it to show your daughter that you are prepared to finally properly put her first. And mean it

Stopped reading after the first ‘I was apologising and crying’, why the hell did you not stand up, tell him it’s over, and walk out then and there.
This guy is poison. He’s a manipulative control freak and needs to be gone!

This is all good advice. I would end it on speakerphone with a friend or relative in the room recording it all. You need evidence to present to the police that he is a a real threat to your safety - please take this seriously! Log your fears with police - and present them with every scrap of evidence you have that he is a threat - conversations, physical acts of violence - even if not directed at you, destroying your possessions etc.

This is serious, OP. Maybe arrange to stay with/go away with a friend while you break up with him so he doesn’t come straight to your house - warn your close friends and family in case he appears at theirs and for gods sake invest in a Ring doorbell if you don’t already have one.

It sounds like he is only going to let you go if he fears for himself, eg reputational damage, criminal charges or he moves onto someone else. It may be worth bringing up the fact that if he harasses you in any way, that you’ve been advised to register his details with Clare’s Law - he may not be overly familiar with the specifics but it should be enough to put the wind up him and encourage him to back off.

Log everything and try to be with other people as much as possible. Obviously change locks, make sure windows are secure - maybe even invest in a burglar alarm. It sounds scary but you really need to protect yourself, he sounds potentially very dangerous. Gather as much support as possible and good luck 💐

Also - remember that the nice version of him you first met and fell in love was never the real him. He hasn’t changed bc of anything you’ve done - THIS is and always has been the REAL him. RUN.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5535981-i-think-my-dh-is-jealous-of-my-adult-children-that-arent-his?postsby=Blondiebeachbabe

the parallels with this thread are remarkable. Perhaps you and the Op could support one another. Both have partners that are jealous of your DD. Both recently had an issue with going out with your DD and her partner and her partner’s father for a meal. Both have partners with mummy-issues. As I say, parallels are striking.

@Sunglasses1979 Jesus Christ, don’t even waste time asking the question - get out!! He’s a bloody psycho & this is shaping up to be a very dangerous, toxic, coercively controlling relationship. Leave him. Now.

YABU to even consider continuing this relationship. He is a grade A arsehole.

Didn’t read til the end. Your boyfriend is extremely insecure and immature. Surely you can do much much better. He has shown you who he is. Ditch him.

Why did you go back? He makes you miserable. Dump him. Maybe the younger woman will be impressed with his mantrums.

Why do so many posters feel the need to include the Initial post in their reply? We can all read it. If replying to the thread starters original post not their latest one just say so. The thread is much easier to read that way.

That’s a decision your future self will thank you for. Because this is jist going to keep escalating op. It’s not going to stop or stay the same, you’re being subjected to co ercive control, abuse, and a lot of cruelty and humiliation. The more he knows you will take the more he will ramp it up.

I’d advice you to call women’s aid, but here is an ai view on how to end a relationship with coercive control. His ex’s got out, and you will too.

Create a safety plan: Identify a safe place to go and have a bag ready with essentials (like keys, money, and important documents).
Keep communication documented: Save threatening or controlling texts, emails, or voicemails as evidence, but do so discreetly.
Secure your digital footprint: Coercive controllers often monitor devices. Use a safe computer or phone, delete your browser history, and consider changing your passwords and banking PINs. 1, 2]
Lean on national resources: Charities like Women's Aid and Chayn offer practical toolkits and online support for safely navigating separation

Its not an excuse. Its a genuine reason. Have you heard of sharia law?

Get rid, he’s abusive, childish, controlling and aggressive. You should absolutely not accept this behaviour from anyone. He will only escalate and leave you a beaten nervous wreck.

Think about how you’d feel if you knew your daughter’s boyfriend behaved like this - you’ve be absolutely horrified and rightly so.

And you intend to marry this man?

Please safely end this relationship. He is using methods to isolate you from your family. Don’t delve into questions like “I needn’t have got the expensive uber” (you should have got it by the way, this is a non issue) because whatever you will do he will use it and anything you do or say to lever you away from your family, make you feel small and insecure, and gaslight you. This is straight up emotional and physical abuse. He is insecure and will use physical and emotional control to abuse you and this will only get worse. Please safely remove him from your life. You are worth so much more than this. You don’t deserve it or need it. What sort of man cant be happy for you going on this important lunch date? An insecure, bully, is who. I had a friend like this and it nearly killed me. I’m married to a kind man and it’s made me. Find someone who is kind, someone who is happy for you to go on this oh so important and lovely date with your daughter. You both deserve someone good. Much love Xx

If it was your daughter in this relationship what would you be telling her to do.
i guess you would be advising her to leave this unhinged bully so take your own advice and get the hell out of this relationship . Best wishes to you for the future you deserve but not with this bully.

Imagine being so eager to show your woke credentials that you end up looking like a massive Islamophobe yourself 😂

I read your long post which was horrible to read and I've seen your many responses but I haven't seen any firm definitive statements from you confirming you have or will be ending this abusive controlling relationship and that's worrying to be me.

@SocialistMummyif he’s Muslim then he shouldn’t be in nightclubs speaking to women. He also shouldn’t have a girlfriend sleeping over especially one who isn’t Muslim/ Abrahamic. He would be breaking all his own religious rules so why would it be part of his culture to live a haram life.

The daily calls are definitely something that he does. Started really early on. I can see how he was love bombing me in hindsight.

But can you also see in hindsight that you should have swerved a relationship with this man, and are you planning to end it?

Are you away from him now OP? Safe in your own home?
Are there familiy members you can speak to for support?

I hope you’re ok