AIBU to think my fiance overreacted by getting a younger woman's number because I double booked by accident, and threw my belongings about?

[Sunglasses1979]

I am trying to work out whether I am being unfair or whether my fiancé genuinely overreacts to situations.
I was spending a long weekend with him and we had plans for Monday. Friday to Sunday eve were lovely and we did sightseeing etc. then went to his and were planning to stay there for a few nights.

However, I realised I had accidentally double-booked the Monday because my adult DD had arranged for me to meet her new boyfriend and his father over lunch. It was important to her and had been organised for a while. DD has is ND and has severe MH issues; this is the first "normal" relationship she has had and it's a huge deal for her.

I told my fiancé on Sunday afternoon that I would go to the lunch for a few hours and then come back afterwards so we could still spend the Monday evening together and the following days.

He was furious. He said I was choosing other people over him and repeatedly referred to my daughter's boyfriend and his father as "strange men". He seemed particularly upset that I would be spending time with another man, even though it was DD's BF's dad not just a random stranger.

After I had told him I had double booked and would need to go for a few hours we were arguing about it non-stop for hours. I was crying at one point and I kept saying I was sorry, it was human error, not deliberate. After all this arguing I was tired and wanted to stay in, but at around 11pm he insisted we go out. While we were out he deliberately started talking to a much younger woman, introduced himself to her, claimed he got her Instagram and then repeatedly talked about how he was meeting her for dinner the next day. His argument was that if I was going for lunch with strange men the next day, then why couldn't he meet up with a new person too? Even though it was not the same at all, obviously. The young woman must have been about 20 and we are both in our 40's so it just felt really weird and "off".

The argument continued after we got back to his for most of the night and I got very little sleep. The next morning I had to get an extremely expensive Uber to make sure I did not let my daughter down and miss the lunch. He had said not to come back to his after lunch but then called me when I was in the Uber and asked me to come back to his after all.

The lunch itself was lovely. Afterwards, I travelled back to his. However, when I arrived we had another argument. During it, he picked up my bags and threw them across the room in anger, they went everywhere as he threw them so hard.

He later continued to use the lunch as an example of me not caring about him enough and prioritising other people over our relationship, and how I like "strange men".

From my point of view, I attended an important family event for a few hours and still made the effort to return afterwards. From his point of view, I had disrespected him and chosen other people over him.

When I told him how much the Uber cost he took offence because I have never gotten an Uber to his even if I am running late; he said he didn't realise I have money in this way.

When I went back to his after the lunch I had to get a standing room only train in the middle of the heatwave; I don't like public transport at the best of times and he kept asking when I arrived what did I want to do; meet his friends in the pub or go straight to his. I said I don't care and was almost in tears as I was finding the journey so stressful. I didn't realise but he had me on loud speaker so all his friends heard me when I said "I don't care" and now he's saying his friends all think I am horrible and rude to him. When it was taken out of context and they didn't know we had been arguing all night and that he'd got a much younger woman's contact details the night before.

Am I missing something or was he overreacting?

I may be duplicating others as I haven't finished RTFT

But do you realize that 'sleep deprivation' is considered a form of torture and is prohibited under the Geneva Convention?

"Under the Geneva Conventions and international humanitarian law, sleep deprivation is strictly prohibited. Deliberately denying a prisoner of war or detainee sleep is classified as psychological torture and a form of cruel, inhuman, or degrading"

I hope by the time I finish RTFT you will have posted that you either will or have ended this relationship.

Sorry this is happening to you OP but I’m glad you have realised you need to leave. Please call women’s aid and they can advise the safest way to do that. Take care.

It’s shocking that you went back to his place after he treated you like that. Tell him it’s over and block him. If he contacts you threaten the police. If he turns up at your door, call the police.

I agree with this and what everyone’s telling you, OP. If he’s abusing, coercing and threatening you now, he will make your life a pure living hell if you are reckless enough to marry him.

Oh I’m sure he can be delightful when he wants to be. But only as long as you obey him, agree with everything he says, never dare rock the boat….

Please leave him now, before he sweet-talks you into staying.

This didn’t happen because he was ‘disappointed’ that you wouldn’t be spending the day with him. This happened because he was realising that you had the audacity (backbone) to stick to your plan to see your DD. He didn’t like that you were not being compliant so he escalated his abuse to try to get control of you again.

Please see this for what it is. Surely you know that this is not a happy, healthy and fulfilling relationship.

You don’t have to stay with him, you know

@Sunglasses1979 might be worth doing a Clare’s law request to see if he has a prior record for anything like this or worse behaviour in the past with partners. Then if he is a potential issue the police can support you. Good luck.

Nope, it's nothing to do with his relationship with his mother. He threw your stuff across the room because he's an abusive twat who thinks you're below him in the pecking order of humanity, like all abusers think of women. Stay with him and it'll be you he throws across the room.

Dump him - now. In the next five minutes. And never speak to him again. How dare he treat you like this???

31 pages and 741 posts and still no indication whatsoever that you actually agree that your DP is abusive and you will at least make
an effort to try and leave him. Some people just love the drama and being the centre of attention, even if it’s just a MN thread. It’s disrespectful to the kind people who have taken the time to share their own experiences and try to help you.

Exactly. I had two exes that behaved like the OP has described. Current and final partner the interaction would be more ‘don’t worry about it, go and support your daughter, we’ll do something another time’. No eggshells anywhere which is why I’m still with him
after 25 years.

God, OP, life's too short. I'd rather be single for a thousand years than put up with this shit.

My abusive exH used to ruin all the weekends and made a point of spoiling my 40th birthday that my dad had spent thousands on. These fuckers are all the same. It's about power and control. They're not interested in intimacy and they're not interested in partnership. They want to control a woman, in order to shore up their pathetic inadequacy. It's the only way they can feel like the Big Man, to control someone smaller and weaker than them, who usually has less money.

I am going to end things but I am quite scared to in all honesty and not sure in what way would cause the least stress.

Oh, thank God!

I assume you mean the least stress to you. Frankly, I'd dump him by text and include language about 'any further contact will be considered harassment'. Any attempt to actually speak with him to break up will not end well and may well end in violence. You already know you can't speak to him about contentious subjects from previous attempts at conversation. You. Owe. Him. Nothing!

If you have any belongings at his place, I'd consider them 'lost', unless they are extremely valuable (laptops, jewelry) or irreplaceable (heirlooms etc). But clothing, gaming consoles and the like, no. I'd leave them. If you absolutely must have them, say nothing about breaking up, retrieve them at a next and final (unbeknownst to him) meeting/date. But honestly, I'd advise against this for anything but a laptop or something irreplaceable.

As far as any possession of his at your place, unless there is a 'neutral party' who will consent to picking them up from your place or a 'neutral place' to drop them off I'd box them up and have them delivered, including the engagement ring, even if it cost me a delivery fee.

Because if I were you I would NEVER be in his physical presence again. EVER.

Yes this has already started with more casual acquaintances, social gatherings where I don't know many people etc.
Or when it is someone I don't know very well and it is like they are still a potential friend not an actual friend.
Or texting me so incessantly during a night out about how much he misses me that I will just cut my losses and leave early to see him

I read half of it. By that point it was overwhelmingly obvious that this man is an abusive asshole and should be left without a backwards glance.

No good will come from you trying to work out who is ‘right’.

I’m going to stick my neck out here and say that this comment is an insult to all decent Muslim men, of whom there are many.
I get really hacked off with ‘culture’ being used as an excuse for appalling behaviour.

Please be careful leaving this man. Maybe ask for advice from Women's Aid.

Don't leave him in person - it would not be safe. Can you stay with a friend or family member for a while? Abusive men are at their most dangerous when you leave them because they have nothing to lose.

In abusive relationships the abuser gets away with his behaviour for months or years because the victim finds excuses for the abuser. until that last event when there’s no coming back from, when the victim is unable to find an excuse and finally opens her eyes. She may not be ready to leave yet but she opened her eyes so this is the beginning of the end. She’ll get there and will leave him eventually (or when it’s safe to do so) just hope she doesn’t waste many years on this scum.
OP please build courage to just leave him today. You know very well this is not right. You’ll lose everything if you stay, your family, friends, job! You’ll be completely dependent on him, he’ll break you. It will be 100 times more difficult to leave further down the line

He is gradually exercising more and more control over you and he’s tightening his grip so much now that you can feel it because you’re piecing it all together. Even the things like insisting on picking you up from nights out - they once seemed thoughtful, but now you can see he’s keeping tabs on where you are, when the event ends and whether you leave by yourself. Keeping you awake before important events is sabotage. Trying to divide you and your daughter is his way of trying to make you pick him over every other person in your life.

He’s a troubled man and troubled men can be dangerous so please trust your instincts and your senses. You are absolutely right here. This is absolutely despicable treatment.

Completely agree @NattyKnitter116

@SocialistMummy its not a cultural misunderstanding when hes throwing stuff at her.

Hes not trying to understand cultural differences when hes trying to bully her into not meeting her DDs new partner and family.

And I dont think its a cultural thing to take your partner out at 11pm to make her watch you chat up someone else to hurt her.

Quite honestly im horrified that this woman has described a coercive, controlling, manipulative, agressive man. Who pursues other women in front of her and has escalated tantrums of ripping things up to full on throwing her things about. And while the rest of us are worried he will start throwing her about next you want to a. Suggest its because hes Muslim and b. That therefore its just a cultural difference to be discussed?!?!

Thats absolutely an insult to all decent Muslim men.

I friends who are from other cultures. Some Muslim women, and honestly their husbands are decent, respectful men and would not raise their voices and rip up cards and letters, throw things around to intimidate their wives. Wouldn't dare pursue another woman just to upset them. Theyd be horrified if a man in their family or friendship group or community behaved like this.

Cultural differences do excuse aggressive or violent behaviour. No decent man thinks this behaviour is normal. It is absolutely not a cultural misunderstanding. Physically intimidating a partner or family member by throwing things isnt acceptable. And if this particular man tries to say in his culture its acceptable, hes certainly lying and no Muslim I know would think it islamaphobic to call out his behaviour. I dont know any decent man who would say, its not his fault its our culture.

OP please dont think this behavoiur needs a discussion or understanding. He was violent and aggressive and coercive. End of. There isnt a good reason for that

I really hope you do leave!

If you are worried about telling him then have a friend with you in the same room to give you courage. If you are worried about him doing anything then ask the police for their advice, and possibly asking about doing a Clare's Law. This man is highly abusive, get out now.

He's insane.
You're in red flag city. Get out.

You would have done better to hope the ground swallowed him up!
Why on earth did you go back to his after the lunch? You should have gone home and thanked your lucky stars that you didn't make the mistake of marrying him.
Please just get rid.

If it walks like a cunt and talks like a cunt and acts like a cunt ...

well you probably know the rest ...

but whether you are willing to see the blindingly obvious is up to you.

I know it’s easy to say leave him and harder to do it, but you really should. Reading your post reminded me so much of how confused I felt when similar things happened to me, I was grasping for reasons for the behaviour and whether I was in the wrong somehow but fundamentally this man is angry, possessive and jealous, it will only get worse if you stay. Please don’t. I did and he ended up being very violently abusive when I was pregnant and that was when I finally left.

@Sunglasses1979 seek some advice from women's aid about the safest way to end this. And remember that your safety is the priority here, not his feelings. He is a dangerous man.

Try emailing them as it can be hard to get through on the phone. I'd suggest that you break up over the phone and go and stay with a friend for a few days immediately afterwards. Also that you block and delete him, change all your passwords and change your normal routine for a while. But women's aid are the experts here and you need to listen to them.

Wishing you all the best, I'm so glad you posted and took on board the comments. You deserve a happy peaceful life.

Walk away now. End of. This relationship is toxic.