To dump my long term bf because he didn't call....

[Lucy87]

I am Australian and my boyfriend is English and we've been going back and forward for the past 3 years we've been together.

He's recently gone back to the UK for the next 6 months.

We speak every 2-3 days on the phone, and although he hates phone conversations - it's all we can do at the moment - I don't mind a long chat!

He promises he'll ring me at certain times - it can be quite tricky due to the time difference - yet he rarely does. Quite often, it will be due to the fact he's gone on a 3-4 day bender - another big issue.

I've let him know it really upsets me when I never hear from him - and end up ringing 2 days later asking what happened. He usually says he passed out - and he 'just went out'. He always swears he is SO sorry, until the next time.

Should I dump him? Is this a sign? Or AIBU????????????

how oldis he

Sorry but surprised you need to ask? Yes how old is he? And what do you think reading your message back to yourself?

dump him?...sounds like he has already dumped you!!
Do not ring him again ever and seeif he rings you concerned about your welfare etc....

is he too tight to pay for the calls?
why would you want to be with someone who's life is one long drinking binge?

sorry but I think fred has got it right.

he's 23.

LOL FRED. With any other person I'd say exactly the same - I am not usually this wet. He's just applied for a potential spouse visa and paid 1000 quid for that - as well as put a down payment on a holiday for the states for us next year to celebrate. I know it sounds like he's totally non committal - but I don't think this is the case. It just seems he doesn't understand why it matters to just DO what you SAY you're going to do!!!!!!!

He says he wants to change the drinking - and he genuinely just falls asleep - and does often leave several apologetic messages on my answer phone the next day. HMMM!

What to do, what to do. I wonder really if it's worth waiting around another year for him to sort it out - or whether life is just too short?! I think it may eventually click. Is it just him - or all men? Am I too sensitive - does it matter if it is when he says or 2 days later?

23

hmmm

23 year old men dont give a shit about phone calls

dont keep pestering him - men hate that - he iwll get irritated by constant phone calls and checking up and questions questions questions

dont call him for ages (ie a fortnight) and he will be begging for the sound of your voice

how old are you?

dont you ahve any thing better to do than worry about the timing of phonecalls? when i was early 20s i was too busy going out with mates getting up to all sorts

not drumming fingers by the phone

agree don't call him until he calls you.

He does sound more commited that I first thought though forking out so much cash.

Lucy, think you summed it up nicely in your last paragraph. Life is just too short.

SOB! oh god, secretly I know - but I looooove him!!

I hate the way men can't be mature unless they're over 30 on here. As soon as you say someone is, say, 23 it's all ok because he's not grown up yet. Such rubbish as dh was 23 when we had dd and got married, as was I.

Being young doesn't equal immature and 23 isn't even really that young.

I'm 22

I do have other things to do - I just make time to care about him and want to maintain a relationship - not just chat for 10 minutes whenever we both happen to be awake. It requires planning living one life in two countries.....

Not calling for 2 weeks wouldn't work - he'd be delighted and I'd be miserable. I don't really doubt his commitment - just his ability to understand and empathize with my DIFFERENT feelings, is THAT a problem?

Still no closer to knowing what to do.

men dotn really like talking on the phone

try emailing instead

or writing letters with pen and paper. very romantic too..

he'd be delighted?

Agree Jodie - I'm 22 and I've lived independently in 3 different countries - am a qualified and sought after nanny and soon to be developmental psychologist/lawyer.

Just because I'm young/ he's young doesn't mean I'm/ he's automatically/necessarily immature, or this relationship is less important/complex than that of a 30 year old. That sounded rude - didn't mean it to come across that way - I appreciate all the advice.

i never mentioned anyithing about being immature

ii never used that word at all and certainly didnt mean it

I always like a long chat - he says he likes hearing my voice/plans but 20 minutes is by far enough for him.

But we've lived together for 2 years cumulatively - it works fine when we're in the same place!!!

To refocus - is it possible he will 'get it' and finally appreciate my point of view - even though he doesn't value our phone calls as highly as I do?

Is this insensitivity an indication of deeper general disrespect/ lack of empathy?

what's he like when you're together?

Long distance relationships are a nightmare - I had similar problems with my DH before we got married and we were only two or three hours apart for about a year. So I would say don't judge the relationship on what it's like when you're apart, although I might be a bit concerned if he really doesn't want to speak to you at all. But if it works well when you're together and if you are going to be together permanently in the not too distant future then I would just try to get through this phase.

P.S. I got married at 22 - don't think it's about age at all, just about distance.

Maybe he doesn;t like phone calls? Hate them myself. Mayeb try keeping in touch by email/letter and arrange a definite phone call at longer intervals?

He should meet you halfway here, I think.

i could not be arsed with this. is he really that special that you want to be working at maintaining this relationship when you're only 22???!

It's great when we're together!! He loves it here, just got to get a permanent visa sorted - it's difficult when you're so young and by default have no money. We aren't apart for so long by choice.

He does want to speak to me I think - but just not as often I would designate it. I suppose just because I find it so hard to be apart I want constant reassurance, maybe not fair. But that's what he's meant to be there for isn't it? Purely for my entertainment?! :P

Why can't he just get it and put up with it for now? Or maybe I should just relax? HMMM!!

forget the phone calls - I'd be worried about the drinking - a 3-4 day bender sounds like he has a serious booze issue (I'd say almost certainly alcoholic). This is probably causing the non-phoning - I'd guess he doesn't phone cos hes drunk or out of it....
I'd dump him for this....

you need constant reassurance via phone calls whereas he doesn't feel he needs to do that

your emotional needs are very different from his

this will continue to cause issues going forwards ...

i think Ruddy has hit the nail on the head - all sounds like a lot of work