Aibu for not remembering birthday?

[GoldfishMemory99]

MIL passed away two years ago, yesterday was her birthday.

Unfortunately I have been very busy the past two months with work, applying for an echp for one of my dcs, doing a right to choose referral for them, my eldest dc health problems yadda yadda yadda.. basically I have been dealing with a lot. DH leaves me to the paperwork and things like this as I deal with it better.

He is angry at me today because I forgot it was his mums birthday, he did say a few weeks ago it was coming up but didn’t mention the date. He didn’t mention nothing yesterday either, he was out most of the day! It’s important to add I do remember the date she passed.

aibu to think it’s not my fault I forgot? Apparently I don’t care and am terrible with people over it.

Did he expect a card? A word of acknowledgement? What are your habits around certain dates as a couple? He likely was feeling a bit emotional and is just using OP as an easy target.

He seems to be itching for a fight! Why do you need to make a big deal of it? If he is sad, you can support him. But he isn't looking for support he's looking for a fight. Him waiting to catch you out (not telling you etc) is childish.

It's an excuse for him to be mad.

He's really unreasonable to use you as his scapegoat and take whatever out on you. Does he do this often?

Picking a fight won't change the fact that his mom died. If he had wanted to do something for it, he should have said something to you about it. Does he usually expect you to be his personal assistant and keep everything in mind besides being the Amazing Kreskin and reading his mind?

Did he forget it?

Why did he not say anything on the day ? he was out most of the day , maybe he’s pissed because he forgot too & is blaming u … anyway the woman has passed , it’s different it it was the anniversary of her death , otherwise he’s unreasonable

Wow I'm going to go against the grain here, these replies are harsh! My MIL passed away 5 years ago, we still have her birthday in our calendar. We don't do anything to mark it, but I know my DH will be thinking of her more around the time of her birthday. I don't think he'd be angry with me if I forgot but he would probably be a bit upset. It wouldn't hurt to be a bit more sensitive.

What on earth was he expecting? A party?

Honestly, the birthdays of those who have died are not a thing to be celebrated in most families. We might mark them with some quiet remembrance if it was a very close relative, but otherwise life continuing as normal.

He probably is still grieving and the birthday has triggered him. That is, however, no excuse for him taking it out on you like this and being so nasty. He's behaving like an arse and it is totally undignified. He needs to be told that.

Presumably if he wanted to do something particular to mark his mother's birthday he would have been capable of organising it.

And therefore it matters. Whereas his mum died, so is no longer expecting a card or a gift.

He's being ridiculous, especially given it sounds like you didn't have big celebrations on her birthday when she was alive, or make a big thing about other people's birthdays. If your DH doesn't think your Dad's birthday matters because he's still alive, will it become an important occasion that he remembers when your Dad dies? I doubt it! And it would be weird if it did in my opinion. We don't really do birthdays in our family, but if you're going to, surely do it whilst the person is alive and can appreciate it?
My MIL died just over a year ago. As it happens, her birthday fell on a weekend this year and I did suggest to DH that we visit his Dad that day as he'd be alone and might be feeling sad but I'm not going to be making it a feature of the calendar every year. If DH wants to mark the date he needs to say so.
Both my parents are dead and I doubt my DH could tell you when they died or when their birthdays were. Those are dates of significance to me. If I want them marking I need to say something. In fact a few years ago, my SIL planned to host a family get together on my Mum's anniversary and I said I didn't want to go as it wasn't a day for partying for me. We discussed it and when DH told his sister she switched it to another day. I didn't expect DH, and definitely not his sister, to remember the sigificance of the date and talking to them about it achieved a far better outcome all round than sulking and creating drama would have.

Any important dates can be easily added to your phone's calendar with a yearly reminder on the actual day plus for any event that needs a card or gift a reminder can be set for whatever time you need before that date. Mine can do both email and text reminders. I use this for everything and we have different settings, it is Google calendar and it is shared with the family which is our two adult children so everyone can add their stuff in. They can also see when I am out of the house, they still live at home.

He was clearly itching for a fight over anything but clearly he thinks it is important, it was his Mum.

Jesus I don't know my DHs parents birthdays now and they are alive. My dad passed away several years ago and my DH never mentions either his bday or the anniversary of his death, why would he? If i am feeling sad I will mention it and he will be sympathetic.
Seems to me your DH is looking for a fight / looking for something to blame you for. Does he do this often?

What was he expecting? She's dead its not like she's going to care if you don't give her a card. I would understand if she was alive and your husband had asked you to sort out a card although that is not your responsibility.

Im the same.
Sometimes i cant think of my own birthday.

OP, you are married to an arsehole and this is just another example of it.

A lazy arsehole.
Stop tolerating it.

Aye, of course, so is he saying he will instantly remember your dad's birthday after his passing? I'm sorry he is grieving but you are not his emotional punching bag.

Well, that is clearly ridiculous. My guess would be that he'd also forgotten that it would have been his mother's birthday had she been alive until some way into the day, felt guilty and took it out on you. Because had you remembered you may well have said something about it, which would have reminded him and he could've pretended he'd been aware all along. Some men can be total knobs at times.