AIBU to think my daughter should invite my goddaughter?

[stke]

I have one real close friend, and we have been best friends since college aged 18. We have a daughter each and both same age, 26.

DD is getting married next year, we are helping pay for it. It’s not going to be large or extravagant but DD has a very small friendship group. It’s a small country house wedding.

My DD and friend’s DD were very close growing up. They saw each other weekly. Then friend’s dd moved to Netherlands where she lives, so they haven’t really seen each other properly in a good few years. I am god mother to friend’s dd.

My daughter doesn’t want to invite her to the wedding. I’ve said I think she should because she is essentially like a cousin. It’s obviously dd’s wedding, and even if we are helping pay for it, it’s her choice!

She should invite whomever she wants.

They were friends as children. They are no longer children.

Offering to pay doesn’t give you a pass to invite random people.

Since it's a small wedding no you shouldn't expect her to invite your friends DD, just because you are helping pay pay for it doesn't mean you get a say in the guest list.

It doesn't sound like they were ever actually friends just more two children who had no choice to see each other because their parents often socialised together. I can see why she doesn't want her at the wedding and to be honest I doubt the friends daughter would travel to the wedding even if invited.

I would say it depends on when they last were in contact. If you’re talking years then no. Why should she invite someone who she has no current relationship with just because she’s your goddaughter? Plus if the goddaughter only really knew you at the wedding wouldn’t it be slightly awkward?

It’s DD wedding and she should be able to have whoever she wants there. It doesn’t sound as though she has much of a relationship if any with this person now so I can totally see why she doesn’t want them at her wedding! For the record I didn’t invite one of my cousins to my wedding as I hadn’t seen them in 8 years! Even though his sister and her daughters were my bridesmaids and his mum attended too but I have zero relationship with him, his choice we’ve tried!

She's not a cousin, she's a childhood acquaintance that she hasn't seen for years.

You're being unreasonable. This is your friend's daughter, not your daughter's friend. She can invite who she wants.

YABU

You've already said it's her choice so why aren't you just accepting that?

(Calling reverse on this!) Totally up to the Bride and Groom, no harm in asking but absolutely nothing to do with who's paying and you're heading towards a big fall out if you think that is the justification. If you were brutally honest, were they really friends as kids or just forced playmates as both their Mum's were friends?

Don’t be silly.

I think it would be awkward if this 26 year old only knows you and her mum (is her mum invited?) apart from your DD, the bride, who will have no chance to make her feel welcome/ chat/hang out etc at the wedding. Unless she could catch up with lots of people she hasn't seen for a while at the wedding, she probably won't really want to come anyway.

You recognise it’s her choice which it is, so leave it there. They probably weren’t even really friends, just two kids of a similar age whose mums were friends.

Stop mentioning you’re paying for it. It sounds like there are conditions you want to impose as a result this.

Are you close to the godchild? If so, wait til your next big birthday / wedding anniversary etc and manage your own guestlist to that event.

No, she should not invite her. She doesn't even have to invite her real cousins if she doesn't want to.
She's not longer part of her life.

She doesn’t want to and that’s that.

Likely more a friendship purely on you parents being mates rather than them genuinely being buddies.

It is her choice, she’s not close to her, regardless of who you are to her. You need to drop it.

You do seem to be suggesting that your paying for it means she should acquiesce to you here, even if you say otherwise.

There’s no ‘should’ about it - she doesn’t want to invite her, so don’t force it. The same would apply to her actual cousins. They aren’t friends, and barely even know each other at this point. They spent time together in childhood because of your friendship, that’s it.

I’ve said I think she should because she is essentially like a cousin.

she really is not. Your daughter is an independent adult, don't confuse your friendship group with hers.

How would you feel is MIL made the same argument! You are BU

She should invite whoever she wants - it's nothing to do with you.

YABU. Of course she shouldn’t have to invite someone she used to be friends with but hasn’t seen in years. Especially to a small-ish wedding.

Yabu. When I got married my parents wanted to invite loads of their friends (family friends) including people I hadn’t seen in over a decade! Was a firm no. It’s her choice back off.

YABU. This wasn’t a friend she made herself, she spent time with her mums friends daughter.
You’ve mentioned twice in your op that you are helping pay, that’s irrelevant, either do so without strings or withdraw your financial support if you feel that entitles you to manage the guest list

You’re right, it’s her choice, so butt out.

‘it’s her choice’

So why is this even a question? It’s her wedding, her guest list, her choice. Even if 100% of MN said you’re not unreasonable (you are btw) it still wouldn’t change the fact it’s her wedding and not yours

Don’t be the parent who tries to wrestle control because you’re paying for something. Either pay for it as a gift or pay for it with conditions and see what happens. It won’t turn out well for you.