AIBU to dislike costly multi-day hen and stag trips abroad

[Gcol]

I don’t like these modern day hen and stag multi day visits to foreign countries.

My sister went on one in Spain two weeks ago. It cost her around £1050 for flights, hotel, meals, drinks and activities.

It must be difficult to get 15-20 people to get the same time off work. The bride’s sister couldn’t go as a teacher.

Then my sister has having 5 days away for the wedding in August. Bride’s sister can go. This time the flights and hotel are £1300.

Why can’t we go back to a night out?

YOU can

in groups of friends, many people are actually very much looking forward to a mini trip abroad. I'd rather pay 1k for Spain than £400 in Margate.

Go to the ones you like and can afford.

Seems like a waste of money to me. I also don't understand when the mothers of the brides gets the hump when they are not invited. Why would they want their mothers there.

I just wouldnt go. I save my money for my own holidays.

Yanbu, I’m so glad that everyone I know is married already and we did the one night thing close to home and that was it.

My dsis thought of having an abroad wedding. I shut that down very, very quickly as I said we are not taking young kids that far to a place we wouldn’t actually want to visit for a week of wedding activities. And I said my dh won’t be taking precious annual leave to watch the kids because I will be busy. She was ok with that. And then almost all family members followed suit and gave similar reasons. In the end she was glad to have had it at home as it meant everyone could attend especially elderly family members.
I just will not go to any abroad weddings now, not even if it was someone very close to me

Yanbu, it's tricky because often friends and family are so spread out that people are going to have to travel large distances for a night out anyway. So at that point I can see the logic of making it a weekend away. But given that the wedding is often also a weekend away I do think it's pretty inconsiderate to expect guests to shell out huge amounts on hen/stag do's too. I think sometimes it's easy for the couple to get wrapped up in their own wedding and forget their guests might have 4/5/6 others to attend, all with the same expectations within a couple of months.

It's fair enough saying "just don't go" but there's definitely an amount of pressure to join in and I've had friends take it personally before when I couldn't attend their hen.

I've been on one hen do abroad and it was great fun. It was a pretty cheap deal though & there was no pressure to do activities/drink lots etc. It was laid back and a lovely group of women.

But some hen do's I read about on here I can't believe the costs & demands involved.

Well I think it’s all an overindulgent ‘look at me’ load of old nonsense. But I will never go on one, even in the unlikely event that I’m ever asked, so it’s none of my business. And if other people have the money, it’s up to them. I do feel sorry for people who feel railroaded into going when they either don’t want to or simply can’t afford it. I can remember having huge pressure put on me by a couple of friends to go on holiday many years ago and they started asking me personal and probing questions about my finances to see if I could afford it, not giving a shit about the fact that I had different priorities and commitments.

when you see how packed the flights to popular tourist destinations are, is it that shocking to realise that a lot of people enjoy going abroad?

No one has to go, but I am not sure why everybody pretends to be horrified that a group of friends decide to have a good time in a country they like.

You might like a staycation and/ or hate friends holidays, nothing wrong with that, but surely you must understand that others like them?

It's all become pretty ridiculous and I've no doubt social media is the main driver in too many cases. I'm also pretty sure that a lot of friends feel peer pressured into it. Hen do's used to be one night in the pub probably wearing silly hats. The ones I went to back then were a scream. I guess eventually women will be booking the moon base through Elon Musk. Although some of us might be residents there by that time.

I'd say if you scratched the surface, most hens would prefer a home gig if they were really honest. Then either go abroad (or not) for their main holiday or city break as THEY decide. You can have the same fun at home, but that wouldn't do for IG and keeping up now would it? Bullshit I say to the whole shebang now.

Nope, as you've guessed I neither go to hens or weddings anymore that are not immediate family. And I bet they don't miss me one bit either!

This is really simple…. Don’t go.

Oh another moaning hen do thread! How original. Just say no if you don’t fancy it

I just wouldn’t go to one of these things. It’s completely outrageous

We simply say no thank you.
Won't happen.

YANBU to dislike the idea of one but the answer is simple… you just don’t go. I hate the idea of going on one so I didn’t have one of my own and nor do I go on anyone else’s . Everyone else can crack on and enjoy them.

We were all spread out in my era. This was solved by travel in Wednesday or Thursday morning for a night out on Thursday. Family activities on Friday and general rest day. Wedding on Saturday. Travel home on Sunday.

One set of travel. 2-3 days of missed work if you work M-F.

Can you explain HOW we could have the same fun in Central London (where we work and pretty much live) and on a beach in Spain or even a long weekend in New York or Paris 😂

And the new thing of having to pay for the bride. You want to go on a fancy trip you pay for your own space.

For those saying “don’t go”, I don’t think it’s always that simple.

There are plenty of threads on here where many people end up feeling emotionally bulldozed into attending these events when they can’t afford them or have to take annual leave that impacts them in terms of family time/holidays/childcare.

If everyone in the group wants to attend, can afford it (because the bride has picked something appropriate rather than an instagram setting especially with the expectation her place is funded by her friends) then all well and good.

But there are so many instances when this isn’t the case and friendships and even families are harmed by ridiculous expectations - not just in the short term, but forever.

It’s not an issue for me now, but in my late twenties/early thirties I went through a 3/4 year period of at least 2/3 people in my social circle getting married each year - most with abroad hen events.

Yes, I could say no to some. Others, it was much more difficult given the potential fallout of declining.

I was lucky in that money wasn’t an issue, but my time was. I didn’t want to compromise family holidays by taking multiple lots of annual leave and frankly spending (in one year) what would have been a month away from my family.

A weekend away is one thing, but the expectation of a week abroad at a time is just excessive (as were some of the proposed locations).

I think people forget that while their wedding events are very special to them, you can’t lay significant costs and time on everyone else that end up on repeat for multiple people.

@Gcol- are you new to these parts? Overseas hen dos have been a contentious issue for a long time!

What it basically boils down to is couples getting married later means many young people have got used to doing overseas holidays with groups of friends. (My mum only ever holidayed with her parents then her dh, then with also her dcs, to back with her dh, my mum went her entire life with never going on a “girls holiday”, this was very normal for women who married young.)

If the norm for your friendship group is to go away together for several long weekends a year, then doing that for a hen do would be perfectly normal. The problem often comes if you mix in family members or friends who have only ever holidayed with their parents, romantic partner or dh&dcs. Or don’t have the budget for additional holidays beyond the main family trip.

OP, for the brides in both cases, is it normal for them to go away with their friends?

I decline all invites to such hens and am selective to which destination wedding to go to.

YOU might not enjoy a home gig, but I reckon most people would prefer something within a short journey of their home. Most could not afford or wouldn't justify the expense of Europe or New York just to get pissed with a blow up willy on their head.

My sister is a bridesmaid so ducking out of the hen trip was no.

I went out 2023 to my cousin’s hen do. It was a theme park, meal and clubbing. I didn’t do the clubbing as I hate it plus had to get home early for work the next day

What a waste of money in such a poor economy. I also think it's disrespectful of the friends' time and finances.

But I feel much the same about gigantic weddings and huge baby showers unless the mom to be is a struggling first time mom, and while I'm on, fuck those gift grab gender reveals, especially when they do stupid things like set off fireworks in arid areas and start wildfires.

Am I the only one feeling left out because I’ve never been invited to one of these trips?
Okay I’m old so in my day it was a meal at a restaurant, but I would love to go abroad.
If anyone wants to invite me I promise to wear the T-shirt and join in with the silly games 😁