AIBU to dislike costly multi-day hen and stag trips abroad

[Gcol]

I don’t like these modern day hen and stag multi day visits to foreign countries.

My sister went on one in Spain two weeks ago. It cost her around £1050 for flights, hotel, meals, drinks and activities.

It must be difficult to get 15-20 people to get the same time off work. The bride’s sister couldn’t go as a teacher.

Then my sister has having 5 days away for the wedding in August. Bride’s sister can go. This time the flights and hotel are £1300.

Why can’t we go back to a night out?

So you're annoyed that your sister is going on a hen weekend. It doesn't affect you as far as I can see? I've been on foreign hen weekends and enjoyed them and turned down invitations to others that didn't suit me at the time. I'm an adult. 🤷

but that's the thing, I don't agree with your "most people".
People who DO go to hen holidays abroad enjoy them. They're' not mandatory.
People who want to stay home.. do.

What's the big deal?

It's the jugement I never understand. You don't want to go then don't, Are you jealous or something if you resent others who do?

I love them! I’m in my 30s so most of my pals are married now. I live so far from them all it’s much and such if it’s in the UK v abroad. Also have you seen the prices in the uk?! We spent probably more going to the south of England (I’m north of Scotland) than I did going to Paris. However when all your friends are spread around it’s events like these that helps us all stay in touch. Also… probably a surprise to mumsnet… we find them fun.

Ok but as a bridesmaid, if it was definitely not something she’d be up for, she could have had some input into the planning.

another way to look at it, stop calling it a hen do, call it a friends holiday. Your sister went on a holiday with a group of friends. All in, flights, hotel, meals and activities it cost her £1050. For a holiday that’s not that excessive.

Is your sister the sort of person who would go on holiday with her friends anyway?

Interestingly, the average age of a women marrying for the first time in the UK is 30. Also most couples have dated for 3-4 years before marriage. That means most women getting married were around 26/27 when they met their husband to be. That’s quite a lot of years of being an adult before meeting your life partner, so I suppose you could holiday with your parents, or just not go away, or go away with your friends.

Very relieved not to go, that's me.

I think you are missing the point though. Most people prefer to be local for hens, but many of those (you excluded of course 😊) go abroad because they feel pressurised into going, or fear the wrath of the organiser, Bride whoever. You only have to look at the number of OPs about foreign hen party dilemmas. These people ask US to persuade them it's ok not to go. So sometimes there's that problem, and it's not always the case that everyone who goes abroad actually desperately wants to be there.

Could you not just get a group of friends together and have a girls holiday? You could say it was a fake hen do. You could get matching T-shirts and everything.

I believe it’s social media that is making people feel that a meal out isn’t just enough.

One of my friends said no to a baby shower as it’s social media showing off

Gosh I love them. It feels really lovely heading off somewhere and even better if the weather is nice and it's always much cheaper. 2 nights in a cheapish hotel here in Ireland is 500 euro, that's not adding in spends which is so expensive, so nice getting cheap flights, cheap hotel and cheap food and drinks. __

And they divorce in 5-7 years after having 2 children and the woman is left with all the responsibility of working and raising them.

Nope, we were doing overseas /hotel stay hens and stag dos in the mid 00s and while there was Facebook, that was about it.

Did you not do holidays with friends before marriage?

I can have a meal out every week. You REALLY cannot comprehend the appeal of doing something a bit special?

But then I do enjoy special events for weddings, birthdays.. Pretty sad if you never celebrate anything, but each to their own.

I reckon you can have a fantastic time anywhere if you’re with people whose company you enjoy. I mean, fair enough, you might need to be abroad to have fun, but it’s a bit rude to laugh at other people who don’t care.

but the issue is not about people who don't care, it's people pretending that it's all for show, and showing fake naivety on how could anyone possibly like going abroad.

Meal with friends in town? People do that regularly.
A weekend a bit more special to celebrate a special event? What's so hard to understand.

Apart from work, when do you actually go abroad to enjoy yourself, if not for a friends or family holiday, or some kind of celebration?

Thats great for you and others like you.

However, a lot of people right now can’t afford a meal out every week, never mind spending hundreds or even thousands on a trip abroad.

Others simply don’t have the annual leave for multiple “occasion holidays”.

The biggest issue imho is when people are pressured to attend and little thought is given to the financial and time constraints for those expected to turn up.

By all means go to NYC or Vegas for your hen bash, but unless all your friends/family have the time and money to come with you, expect that some will not come - and don’t throw a hissy fit about it.

I quite enjoy them myself but I’ve only been on 2 and one more coming up this year.
They’re not mandatory, if you don’t want to go or can’t afford it or don’t have enough leave from work or whatever just say no. No one can force you.

I think it's quite the opposite

Groups of friends then to do similar, because they enjoy them, so the whole group is looking forward to the next trip/ next wedding. It's not a one-man show with an adoring public, it's literally a group of close friends enjoying time with each other.

Again - great if that’s the situation in your social circle - for now.

But do you not see that this isn’t universal?

That some people end up railroaded into attending these events?

In my case when we were younger if was all fine and dandy for a while, but then the sheer number (and frankly scale - as people started to up the ante on the previous trip) of these events got out of hand - all along side that as we grew older, many of us had other commitments beyond going on the next (and the next, and the next) “holiday” with friends.

Yes they can be great fun. But it’s also imho about reading the room in respect of the feelings and means of those you want to celebrate with you.

If all are on the same page - party on!! However, if not then a decision needs to be made as to the importance of the location/££ vs who you want to celebrate with you.

But lots of people can.

Lots of unmarried people do go on girls/ boys trips. Lots of single people don’t have a partner or family to use their holiday allowance travelling with, so happy to go on group trips, either to celebrate something special or just because there’s a few who want to go away together.

And this “group holiday” being normal for a lot of younger working adults is why hen/stag do holidays became so normal. Obviously it can be a problem when the invite list starts extending out to include family members /friends who can’t afford it, or if someone is the last of the group to settle down so everyone else now has dcs/financial obligations and can’t afford the time and/or money anymore.

and it can be a problem when several people from the same social group get married within a short time frame (unless joint hen/stag dos can be arranged).

But generally, there’s nothing wrong with getting together with some of your friends and having a trip together before you get married.

I see a big difference between a trip with friends and a hen.
i travelled with friends when we were all single. First, never more than 2-3 in total; so much easier to agree on itinerary and activities that everyone would enjoy.
also so much easier to agree on time that works for everyone (usually off peak) and better budget as no pressure to look fancy for pictures on the gram.
with a hen, usually is a lot more people so at least few are unhappy (as not all activities are enjoyed by everyone), everything is centered around one person therefore not really a ‘group’ trip as such, and way pricier due to the pressure it’s a ‘last hooray’ for the bride to be.
its multiple times more expensive and multiple times less enjoyable.

Can you imagine how some of fellow hens may resent you as not able to attend the trip as unable to afford it or book the time off work?

They could do a UK/local one too

Exactly. The hen do abroad, some may want to break off and do their thing or sit around a pool for a couple of hours.

I agree OP. It’s inconsiderate.