AIBU to compare myself to a seemingly perfect family?

[Enjoyingmyicecream]

There's a family I know that just seems so perfect. Beautiful husband and wife,two gorgeous children, they have the perfect work life balance and always seem so friendly and relaxed. I'm really struggling not to compare myself to them, but how does one stop it??

Comparison is the thief of joy - or something like that..

Have you achieved the same broad milestones?

I'd say you just have to go easier on yourself.

Are you a happy family of four?

Thank you. You're so right, but I seem to be very bad at not comparing myself! I'm very happy and have a lovely life too, but they seem to just have life really worked out. They're also together since they are 18 and I'm kind of in awe of this! Both very good looking as well and I just feel a bit frumpy and inadequate.....

We're a very happy family of 3☺️

What is it about them that you want to have?

You’ll get people coming on here to tell you ‘all that glitters isn’t gold’ and ‘you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors’, perhaps suggesting there’s secret financial abuse going on, or undisclosed mental health struggles, and whatnot. But there actually are people with perfect lives and who are lovely, charming etc. They exist. Pretending they’re secretly depressed or victims of abuse won’t help. Either use their lives as inspiration on how to improve yours (if you feel your life needs improvement) or don’t give them much thought at all and focus on what’s great about your life.

This. It’s not necessary to pretend someone else is suffering Secret Grief in order to feel better about yourself.

Get more interested in your own life, OP. Life’s too short to be slipping sideways glances at other people to measure yourself against them. Invest in your own life.

Thank you, very true! I don't begrudge them their success either, they're lovely people. And I really don't want to complain as I'm blessed with a lovely life too. I'm just a bit in awe I suppose

Use them as inspiration, rather than feeling down.

What is it you admire, what is it you wish you had? And go for it.
Very often, it's only a question of choices and priorities, nothing else.

Obviously, if you have someone with ill health in your family, it's not a choice, but then find a family with similar issue to get inspiration from them

Well that sounds like a win! Tbh I think that , for our sanity, we need to be happy for people that are doing well, and leave it at that. Imagining other peoples lives is just a mind game, and not a healthy one, really.

They sound nice. Why not make friends with them and learn from them?

What is that they have that you don’t? “Frumpy” could be worked on, maybe if you befriend her more she can inspire you

We have actually recently befriended them. They're just all round nice people and made all the right decisions in the past which is why they are now where they are at (and I don't begrudge them their success at all!)

She's got a much better paid job than I have but then I'm not as academic as her so not sure I could reach the same level...

I think you have to remember that what you see isn’t always the reality and everyone has challenges and you never know what others are going through. Some people might look at you with your happy family of three and wish they had that.
i remember when we were going through the terrible two/ three stage with dd1 with a newborn dd2 we went to a wedding. We had a row on the way because DH got the postcode wrong, I was wearing a dress that was difficult to breastfeed in but didn’t have anything else to wear and my dd1 was hard work, feisty and never did what she was told at home, although she was absolutely beautiful and adorable and sociable and an angel for anyone else or outside of the home. We did have good day although it was hard work. We saw some friends a couple of years later who had seen us having a lovely time with our adorable girls and who said we had inspired them to start a family as it looked so easy and we were enjoying family life. It makes me laugh as I look back on that time of chaos and think never again and from the outside it looked like fun chaos.
maybe try to look on it as a positive and think what do they do that you could emulate, or how nice it is to be friends with a happy couple, or who have nice well behaved children, or if you get to know them, you might find it that they are just muddling through and surviving like the rest of us, and they just look like they are doing well from the outside.

Very much agree. I had friends I idealised. Beautiful home, happy marriage, no money worries. Then one nIght her husband grabbed me and propositioned me, he had been drinking and said he’d been thinking about me for years. My vision of them fell apart, and the fact that she was quite keen to crack open the wine each night at 6pm suddenly seemed a bit sad rather than jolly. You literally never know what’s going on in other peoples lives.

It interests me that people believe that a 'perfect life' exists. How can you believe that? Do you genuinely believe it's possible for someone to get to 30 without experiencing sadness, disappointment, hurt and fear? How could that happen?

When I got divorced lots of people told me they thought I’d had the perfect marriage.

no marriage is perfect. No person is perfect. Every human has times when they struggle emotionally.

Very true. Well whenever I see them, and especially now I've seen them a few times in a private setting at home, they just seem so perfect to me..

I think the fact that we would have loved a second child but didn't manage ,might have something to do with it ( I'm very happy as we are but sometimes the "what it's" creep in)

I thought my friend had the perfect family when we were kids, that her family was so happy and lucky compared to mine. I didn't find out what was really happening until we were adults. Turned out they were hiding so much pain, I was the one who was lucky.

Sorry to hear that and I hope the divorce wasn't too painful. It's true - you don't really know people apart from a select few!

Some people do make it as perfect as possible though. There's a luck element, health problem or death in the family are not something you have power over.

Of course there are negative moments, but some people spend less time than others dwelling on them, and some people are just more active - or haven't settled for something so they are genuinely happy with what they got.

Take holidays with kids: some posters on here will scream that it's the worst possible experience in their life, same shit in a different place and hate them (easy answer, don't go)
For many families, holidays are a fantastic time and the best part of the year with their toddlers/ young or older children. They just plan differently , possibly have realistic expectations, agree that it takes a bit of work but it works beautifully

You can say that for everything, some people spend their evenings being active doing sport/ hobbies/ studies, others jsut want to watch tv. Give it 6 months a year, they won't have the same result.

Choices and priorities!

I hate this sort of inevitable reply.

OP, they may well be everything you think they are and more and let's hope so.

But their happy sorted lives don't detract from yours

I very much am happy for them and shall be counting my blessings, of which there are many 💗

No one knows what goes on between closed doors, if they’re both respectful and care for each other then I can see how this works.
Try pinpointing the issue in your life, also
look around at other families, jealousy is a horrible trait, if you’re jealous then go volunteer at a food bank.

The next obvious question is - what does 'perfect' mean? Never feeling any pain? Always enjoying everything no matter what?

Some people definitely have a harder time than others. But in my forty plus years I have never seen a single shred of evidence that the perfect life exists. It 100% does not.

Rather than representing a 'perfect' life they have something you don't - a second child. The 'what ifs' are totally understandable in that situation.