AIBU to compare myself to a seemingly perfect family?

[Enjoyingmyicecream]

There's a family I know that just seems so perfect. Beautiful husband and wife,two gorgeous children, they have the perfect work life balance and always seem so friendly and relaxed. I'm really struggling not to compare myself to them, but how does one stop it??

I certainly know someone who was very jealous of my lifestyle - amazing foreign holidays, very academic and hard working kids, nice house etc. I was living with domestic abuse. Nobody knew. I was very good at having a sunny successful happy exterior. I eventually imploded.

Oh gosh I'm sorry to hear that! I'm not surprised it eventually all came crashing down. I hope you are doing well now!

So instead of comparing yourself to them and sitting in awe; what are you going to do to make your situation better?

Pick one thing you could do better and change it?

People defo think this is us (it’s been said a few times) and it’s hilarious to me. We are far from chilled and relaxed but for some reason people think we are. My kids can be not well behaved but seem to save it for us at home so people think they’re angels because they hold it together when we’re in public. We do technically have a good work : life balance but what they don’t see is the chaos at home. No one’s life is as perfect as you think so pls try to not compare

I left exDP. I’m very unwell but happy. Thanks for asking.

Stop comparing your private inside world to other people's public one would be a start.
We were the family you describe. In front of other people.
After that, focus on your own life and what you're doing. If there's things you'd like to change and can, then do it. Then concentrate on the good things about your own life, partner and DC, and enjoy them, rather than be distracted by looking past them at someone else's.

I think very few people imagine a “perfect life” to mean untouched by sadness, disappointment, hurt and fear. Rather they mean a life that is happy, productive and filled with love, joy and hope with a resilience and strength that allows them to navigate the highs and lows of real life.

I’ve had some trauma and dreadful sadness in my life but would describe my life as pretty near perfect.

I learned a very long time ago that the majority of the time those who seem like "perfect" families are often far from perfect.

Every single "gush about how perfect my life is" family that I've known has always ended in divorce, someone cheating, hidden abuse etc. It's something that I now always have in the back of my mind when meeting these types.

Many people make assumptions about my family all the time, we both work from home, dress alternative, have weird decor, don't gush about each other in person or on social media etc. When in reality my husband is kind, supportive, hands on and our son is exceeding all expectations in home education, we travel and have some absolutely awesome experiences, I wouldn't trade our beautiful little life for all the "perfect" in the world, I'll take my messy kitchen, tough times and hashing out relationship problems with someone who wants the best for us at 2am over appearances any day.

They may or may not have the perfect life , but it’s not going to improve yours by sizzling away comparing - you need to maybe think about aspects OP you can do something about - if it’s looks, then have a mental glow up ( go through your wardrobe and get rid of anything that makes you feel frumpy, book yourself in that dance class, go and get your hair done, treat yourself !! ) if it’s work, any cheap courses you can do, change of job etc - if it’s holidays-take delight in finding total bargains, have more 4 day breaks than 2 weekers - basically find what it is that can give you a lift within your life’s it is. You sound lovely by the way -and I do get where you are coming from - mine comes from a place where a lot looked great to others but underneath simply wasn’t - so I learnt to change the things I could change

For the second time today I would like to recommend a book: how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. It helped me figure out what was important to me, set goals accordingly, and once I had done that my comparison with other people just stopped from one day to the next. Because I wasn't trying to measure up to other people I was measuring up against myself.

Ooh I do like a book recommendation! Thank you so much

Being with the same person since the age of 18? Dunno that I would fancy that personally. Different people will have very different priorities / preferences. How boring life would be if we were all the same…

OP they're probably not as perfect as they seem. If it's the looks that you're focussing on then perhaps do something to make yourself feel better about how you look. Dont assume they're happy and their work life balance is perfect because it probably isn't.

Maybe they are perfect, but you don’t know how they got there.

I live in a beautiful house in the countryside that lots of my friends idolise. It was partly paid for by a payout my parents received when my sister died aged 24 when I was a teenager. I’d trade it for a hovel to have her back, so it’s not as perfect as it looks.

Yes everyone will experience sadness, death etc but that doesn’t mean they can’t have a lovely life.
Some people are happy with their lot, to them their life may be perfect due to the decisions they have made.
I don’t think you can say the perfect life doesn’t exist because for many people, who see the positives rather than the negatives, they are happy living the life they have so to them it is perfect.
I hate that just because someone looks like they have a perfect life posters are quick to jump on the fact that it’s impossible and there must be some dark secrets that will blow their world apart. It’s utter nonsense

I have friends like this. Yes they have the usual health concerns and worries about children, but they are very much in love and adore each other, four great and all very different children now living in various parts of the country. Lived quite frugally so now have money in retirement and they’ve just paid for the whole family to rent a villa in Spain for half term. The boys are hilarious so there will be much laughter and hilarity.

Actually they make me feel a bit queasy. If I wasn’t so fond of my friend I’d be giving them a wide berth 😂.

There have been 2 people that I really envied and thought they had perfect lives. It turned out they were both alcoholics.

It's totally possible to have a lovely life, one that you're very happy with, that's filled with joy and love. But every single person experiences worry, fear, bereavement and all the negative things that life inevitably throws up.

My concern with the 'perfect' life is the extent to which it can be an act - something that looks great from the outside but doesn't function well on in the inside, or hides a lot of unresolved issues. I agree that it isn't always the case that happy people are hiding dark secrets, but it's worth remembering that people can often put on a good show to cover up a lot of hurt.

Awww OP no one ever sees the real stuff and I felt like you a couple of years ago about a family .. then I became closer friends and their home life is not casual or fun. It’s stressful and full of resentment over money and parenting and mostly everything.
they come together to show a Instagram perfect life or photoshoot and trips and matching outfits. if anything I discovered that my slightly chaotic way less money lifestyle is actually a much happier home!

well some people are currently at the gym they love getting a fit and toned body, or head down running the business that's making them a very nice income but doing something they love and make them proud

when others are on MN.

Neither are "wrong", different priorities, but if you look a family photo of the first one, they will look happy, healthy and cheerful on a nice holiday. People might get jealous of the photo, but they often ignore the work that goes behind.

Thank you all so much for the replies, I've read them all with interest and got some food for thought! ☺️
Will definitely try not to compare myself too much, count my blessings and absolutely look at furthering my career as well.

I think you hit the nail on the head here

The key word is "seemingly"...... they might all hate each other!

On a more serious note, I know of a perfect family who were viewed like this while the kids were growing up. Turns out that one of the parents had multiple and severe MH diagnoses, which came to a head and led to many, many months in hospital. They are still a happy family, but the MH issues persist.

There was a similar thread here a while ago from someone who envied her friend’s seemingly perfect life.
I replied that we don’t know all the ins and outs of someone else’s life and it may not be as perfect as it seemed and she may have things happening that the OP wasn’t aware of.
Someone replied to me to say that I was spitefully wishing ill on other people to make myself feel better. 😂