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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect more consideration during my husband's on-call weeks?

44 replies

Dayslikethis88 · 30/05/2026 22:49

Once every 5 weeks DH has to be on call for a week. This involves working his normal job but also potentially being called at any point 24/7 for 7 days. He changed jobs a year ago and this came as part of the role, however he didn't really tell me this would be part when he took the role

For the most part I don't mind, however he does use it as a bit of an excuse to not do a lot. No school runs, or extra curricular activities the kids have in the week etc and if I want to do anything I have to take the kids with me in case he has to go to work. Most calls he can deal with from home but on odd occasions he does have to go out

Here's the bit thats annoying me though. People at my work who do on call (not me but other team members) have mentioned that when they are on call they sleep elsewhere as obviously their phones have to be on loud and can disturb the other person.

Dh refuses to sleep elsewhere or when I said I would sleep in the other room said I was iver reacting. He will answer the call and have the full blown conversation while i'm trying to sleep.

This morning he had set his alarm for 545 as he needed to do something for work before the team reported or something. If I need to set an alarm at the weekend (or any day DH isn't getting up, I use my watch. He has one as well. But he set his phone so I was up with him at 545

Interested in anyone else who had to do anytbing similar and how they manage it!

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · 30/05/2026 22:56

Start setting a loud alarm on the days he isn’t getting up. It’s fine, after all.

LoudSnoringDog · 30/05/2026 22:56

I have to do on call in my role and I will
always sleep in the spare room when I am on call. I think it’s really selfish to disturb others ( I get called a fair bit through the night)
i do try and avoid having anything to do with my daughters extra curricular activities though because it would be a real challenge to manage that and some of the calls I get.
I agree with him needing to let you sleep.

CombatBarbie · 30/05/2026 22:58

Providing school/clubs are within walking distance or you have 2 cars they no reason at all he cant do those. On call is being available, not physically sat in front of a computer.

And yes he needs to be more considerate if hes planning on waking you up at 5.45 on a weekend! Sounds rather selfish tbh.

JustAnUdea · 30/05/2026 22:58

DH has done on call for years. Just back on it after a few years off.

He usually had to be back in work within 30mins of the phone going off. (Now its more of a case of informing him of stuff, rather than him having to act on it). Didnt stop him doing the kids swimming kessons, playing sports, running a Scout group... it was just acknowledged he might have to keave unexpectedly.

We slept in the sane bed, but he left the room for phone calls. Even if i did sleep through, hed wake me to ket me know he was going out (more of a code of "its just you and the kids now, in case they needed something, he wasnt eanting to disturb me).

We adapted.

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 30/05/2026 23:00

Your DH is a selfish pig.

I would definitely sleep in the spare room and leave him to it.

aWeeCornishPastie · 30/05/2026 23:02

He is being a dick especially with the phone part. And if the kids school isn’t far away don’t see why he can’t still chip in

measuretwicecutonce · 30/05/2026 23:07

Another man with a big important job that means he can’t possibly do anything else and everyone has to fit to his schedule.

I’d be setting early alarms and going to the gym or something and would be very loud about it. What a dick!

Pinkflamingo10 · 30/05/2026 23:10

If your husband won’t sleep in the spare room -you should go there yourself, and have the peaceful nights sleep you deserve. make the spare room a lovely inviting comfortable place for yourself.
my husband is always in spare room when he’s on-call or if he has early alarms etc

GrantMyWishes · 30/05/2026 23:12

What a selfish man he is. As others have advised, if he won't go in the spare room, then you do it, and if there really is no good reason why he can't help out more with the kids just because he's 'on call', I might be tempted to move into the spare room permanently!!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/05/2026 23:12

Selfish man.

itsquietinside · 30/05/2026 23:12

DH sleeps in the spare room when he’s on call because he does get calls in the night. If he has an early start he gets his things ready the night before so he doesn’t disturb me and the DC. He is paid for the on call so it does benefit us all, but it’s the considerate way of doing it and I’d do the same if it was me. He can’t go far when he’s on call though as he has to be able to log on pretty much immediately to deal with the issue, so the taking the DC out part is fair enough I think. When the DC were younger he would have them home when he was on call while I went out though, they’re old enough now it doesn’t make a difference.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/05/2026 23:21

He shouldn’t be doing school runs etc if he’s on fall
however he should be doing laundry cleaning etc lots of at home jobs

YourPoliteTurtle · 30/05/2026 23:21

yes, by not sleeping in the spare room he's being a dick.

He's wrong, but you should go in the spare room - not fair, but you need the sleep.

There's a place in hell for twats who don't let people sleep.

PullTheBricksDown · 30/05/2026 23:28

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 30/05/2026 22:56

Start setting a loud alarm on the days he isn’t getting up. It’s fine, after all.

This, plus you move to the spare room tonight. And say he'll be able to get up with the kids tomorrow then, while you sleep for longer. Ignore any talk about 'over reacting' and just go to the peaceful spare room.

HardFuckingBird · 30/05/2026 23:29

It depends on his job, I think. How often is he called in, and what does being called in entail? If he's a surgeon (or any other type of doctor) and being on call involves waking up overnight to advise juniors on life or death decisions, or indeed drive into work to see patients, I think YABU - that sort of "on call" is exhausting, and I'd understand if he was frightened about sleeping through phone calls and alarms.

echt · 31/05/2026 01:07

HardFuckingBird · 30/05/2026 23:29

It depends on his job, I think. How often is he called in, and what does being called in entail? If he's a surgeon (or any other type of doctor) and being on call involves waking up overnight to advise juniors on life or death decisions, or indeed drive into work to see patients, I think YABU - that sort of "on call" is exhausting, and I'd understand if he was frightened about sleeping through phone calls and alarms.

None of this has anything to do with the problem described by the OP.

CombatBarbie · 31/05/2026 03:51

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/05/2026 23:21

He shouldn’t be doing school runs etc if he’s on fall
however he should be doing laundry cleaning etc lots of at home jobs

Why? Being on call means being available, most I have heard of is the need to be within 30 mins of home or work. Being on call doesnt meant you are confined to your house.

HoppingPavlova · 31/05/2026 04:22

My DH does on call, sleeps in our bed with his phone on. Gets calls, talks, has to get up, rattle around in the ensuite while getting ready to leave. I half wake up, figure out what’s going on then just go back to sleep. No way I want to sleep separately, as that would involve eventual washing of extra bedding which would be far more horrific for me/him than our set up. We’ve got enough laundry as is, don’ want more.

However, I do insist on sleeping separately if someone has a cold/flu/gastro etc. Additional washing is a small price to pay if it means not sharing that with the other.

ItTook9Years · 31/05/2026 04:25

CombatBarbie · 31/05/2026 03:51

Why? Being on call means being available, most I have heard of is the need to be within 30 mins of home or work. Being on call doesnt meant you are confined to your house.

Show quote history

From an employment law standpoint, that absolutely would be considered significant.

Plenty of case law under the Working Time Regs about it. That pattern averages out at something like 58 hours a week which is an issue if he hasn’t opted out. (He can’t opt out of rest breaks though, so if he’s whetting called overnight and then working a full day (and not getting compensatory rest the next day) then his employers are potentially breaking the law.

CoffeeAndCats3 · 31/05/2026 05:31

Depends on the job. Doctor or vet where he has to rush in at a moments notice for medical emergencies? Then he is not being unreasonable about his unavailability to help with the kids etc when he is on call. But if it's something like IT where a lot of it can be done over the phone and it's not life or death - then he is being unreasonable.

As for the night stuff though, yeah he should sleep in the other room when he has his phone on loud.

Spottyvases · 31/05/2026 05:52

Meh

It's once every 5 weeks. My thought is 'so what'

😀Not helpful but throughout our working lives both me and DH have had early starts when the other doesn't. We don't have a 'spare room' like everyone on here seems to. You just get up - don't put the light on - have clothes out ready.

That's it.

MyAutumnCrow · 31/05/2026 05:57

Your husband has no business telling you that you can’t sleep where you want to if you’re in need of peace and sleep.

He can shove that attitude.

Cloudysky81 · 31/05/2026 07:40

It depends a little bit how often he’s called overnight on where he should sleep.

When I’m oncall(anaesthetist) I sleep in the main bed, if I get called I leave the room to take the call. If I know it’s going to be an awful night I sleep in the spare bedroom. If it’s going to be really awful I sleep at work.

Is there an issue with your spare bedroom that makes it less appealing to sleep in?

ohtokcry · 31/05/2026 07:47

We don’t have the option to sleep elsewhere but I would if we had a spare room; I quickly go downstairs and just say to the person on the phone to hold on as I don’t want to wake DH or the kids.
I also still go about my daily life but with a view that I may need DH to take over if I get a call.

TheCurious0range · 31/05/2026 07:48

I do on call, I don't sleep in the spare room but I do leave the bedroom to take calls and DH is a much heavier sleeper than me so it doesn't wake him. I have to be able to log in sometimes immediately to deal with an emergency (life and death, I work in criminal justice) so cannot do swimming lessons at they are not calls I can take in public and my laptop doesn't connect to public/visible WiFi and I need it to issue orders. I could usually do school runs unless I know something is brewing but my on call is 5pm to 8am points weekends so it's not usually an issue. I wouldn't take DS out on my own because sometimes I need to drop everything and go in and wouldn't have time to take DS home, again my work calls are not the kind of calls he should be hearing

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