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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect more consideration during my husband's on-call weeks?

44 replies

Dayslikethis88 · 30/05/2026 22:49

Once every 5 weeks DH has to be on call for a week. This involves working his normal job but also potentially being called at any point 24/7 for 7 days. He changed jobs a year ago and this came as part of the role, however he didn't really tell me this would be part when he took the role

For the most part I don't mind, however he does use it as a bit of an excuse to not do a lot. No school runs, or extra curricular activities the kids have in the week etc and if I want to do anything I have to take the kids with me in case he has to go to work. Most calls he can deal with from home but on odd occasions he does have to go out

Here's the bit thats annoying me though. People at my work who do on call (not me but other team members) have mentioned that when they are on call they sleep elsewhere as obviously their phones have to be on loud and can disturb the other person.

Dh refuses to sleep elsewhere or when I said I would sleep in the other room said I was iver reacting. He will answer the call and have the full blown conversation while i'm trying to sleep.

This morning he had set his alarm for 545 as he needed to do something for work before the team reported or something. If I need to set an alarm at the weekend (or any day DH isn't getting up, I use my watch. He has one as well. But he set his phone so I was up with him at 545

Interested in anyone else who had to do anytbing similar and how they manage it!

OP posts:
mumumental · 31/05/2026 08:13

If you want to sleep elsewhere that week, then do it. So many women here change their preference because their DH doesn’t like it. You can either disappoint him, or disappoint yourself. Why should his opinion be more important than your own?

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/05/2026 08:27

When I did on call I slept in the spare room, on call nights were busy and the calls could be quite complex. I stepped back from things that needed me to be somewhere (school run/kids clubs) because the nature of the calls meant I needed a degree of privacy because of stuff I wouldn’t want anyone overhearing so my DH picked up the load out of the house and I’d cover more housework.

If you’re being woken by him being on a call I’d move into the spare room.

molevalleyfanclub · 31/05/2026 08:37

The issue is you are telling him it is bothering you. There are solutions, but he’s refusing to acknowledge your feelings and preferences. He might not understand your preference but that’s not the point. He’s ignoring your needs. That’s not how marriage should work.

rwalker · 31/05/2026 08:40

He’s out of order not sleeping in different room
but in the big scheme of things I would just sleep in different room you don’t need his permission

it depends on in the nature of the job I used to work for one of the utilities and had to do callouts
on role like your DH had to go in and generally expected asap max 20 minutes to get in
the other job was online and you were expected to sort it there and then

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 31/05/2026 09:01

What exactly does on call mean? My dh had to be at the factory ready to go within half an hour, and it took 25 minutes to drive there. So he really did have to drop and run.

cramptramp · 31/05/2026 09:03

I’d sleep in another room if I didn’t like it.

Zanatdy · 31/05/2026 09:03

If you want to sleep in the spare room do, tell your DH he is disturbing you. If he doesn’t like it, tough.

AmandaHoldensLips · 31/05/2026 09:07

He's being a selfish, self-centred dick.

Maybe explain to him that sleep-deprivation is a well-known torture method. If he won't sleep in the spare room, then you will. That's his choice.

By the way - you have full agency on this sleeping arrangement decision. He doesn't get to decide you get a shit night's lack of sleep. Who made him king of the fucking universe?

KeenLemonPanda · 31/05/2026 09:07

I would say this depends on the type of on call work he is doing.
I do on call, I am called regularly especially overnight. My partner doesn't mind me answering the phone but I then leave the room and go downstairs to actually work.
Other than a quick walk round the block to walk the dog I can't leave my house when on call as if I am called it is urgent and I wouldn't be able to say I'm on the school run I'll be back in 15 sort of thing.
However he should be spending the time in the house on call doing jobs/housework at least!

MatchingLuggage · 31/05/2026 09:09

I do on call (hospital doctor). We don’t have a spare room but my husband is incredible
at getting straight back to sleep so he doesn’t find my calls too disruptive. I leave my work clothes out ready to put on and don’t put lights on if called overnight. Long calls where we are discussing complicated plans I’ll go downstairs for, quick ‘you need to come in’ doesn’t need that as I literally grab my stuff and go.

When the kids were younger I couldn’t really risk being solo with them as I have to be onsite within 30 minutes if called in. It’s easier now.

thereare4lights · 31/05/2026 09:14

I've been on call in previous (IT) roles with an expectation of being online and able to work in 20 mins. Confidentiality meant it would be inappropriate to take the calls/try and work in a public place. Supermarket trips, taking kids to activities all pretty impossible in the on call weeks. But the money was good! I would always sleep alone in those weeks. Selfish not to.

Bearbookagainandagain · 31/05/2026 09:17

My husband had a similar pattern of on call weeks, the only limitation really was that he had to take his phone with him and stay within 20 min of the house. So he could do most of the family activities with us, park, shopping etc.
Then if he was called he would step out, and sometimes he had to leave.

Unless he was actively working, there was very little difference to a normal week/weekend.

Sleep in an different room if you want to, you don't need his approval.

He sounds like a twat.

AnnaMagnani · 31/05/2026 09:18

I do on call and it never occurred to me or my husband that we should sleep in separate rooms for it.

Can you not just say that you are a very light sleeper and not going back to sleep after a call so it's going to work better if you are in the spare room?

Bristolandlazy · 31/05/2026 09:19

Your husband sounds selfish, inconsiderate, has double standards and isn't a team player for your family. He's an idiot.

OneKhakiTurtle · 31/05/2026 09:20

Dayslikethis88 · 30/05/2026 22:49

Once every 5 weeks DH has to be on call for a week. This involves working his normal job but also potentially being called at any point 24/7 for 7 days. He changed jobs a year ago and this came as part of the role, however he didn't really tell me this would be part when he took the role

For the most part I don't mind, however he does use it as a bit of an excuse to not do a lot. No school runs, or extra curricular activities the kids have in the week etc and if I want to do anything I have to take the kids with me in case he has to go to work. Most calls he can deal with from home but on odd occasions he does have to go out

Here's the bit thats annoying me though. People at my work who do on call (not me but other team members) have mentioned that when they are on call they sleep elsewhere as obviously their phones have to be on loud and can disturb the other person.

Dh refuses to sleep elsewhere or when I said I would sleep in the other room said I was iver reacting. He will answer the call and have the full blown conversation while i'm trying to sleep.

This morning he had set his alarm for 545 as he needed to do something for work before the team reported or something. If I need to set an alarm at the weekend (or any day DH isn't getting up, I use my watch. He has one as well. But he set his phone so I was up with him at 545

Interested in anyone else who had to do anytbing similar and how they manage it!

I sleep with DH on call but I’d never take a phone call. There is a call alarm but I wear headphones so he doesn’t hear it.

I run out of the room to limit disturbance and sneak back in after the call. I’ve chosen a role with on call not him.

Tonissister · 31/05/2026 09:21

OP, your behaviour is defaulting to him being in charge of decisions that are yours. If you want to sleep in another room, just sleep in another room. He is the one who is over-reacting if he kicks up a fuss about this. It is not dramatic of you to want unbroken sleep.

OneKhakiTurtle · 31/05/2026 09:22

Oh and I do less of the kids pick ups when on call but more when I’m not to balance things out.

Chilly80 · 31/05/2026 09:29

He sounds horribly selfish

Comtesse · 31/05/2026 09:38

Anyone who wakes up their partner at 5.45am at the weekend without a particular reason is awful!

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