Genuine Question - DH buying so many toys for DS ?

[rookiemater]

Our DS is 2. In common I guess with most parents we have a room overflowing with plastic tat and other toy related items for DS to play with. We also have several boxes in the garage of things he has grown out of or weren't great hits.

We go to NCT and church sales and buy toys through that. DH then buys a load more through Ebay. Now he has taken to buying toys from ELC & the Jennners toy department every time we are out and from Asda or Sainsburys every time he goes to the supermarket. This means that DS gets something new on average once a week. Yesterday I made the mistake of leaving DH and DS in the toy department so I could hit the Hobbs sale ( bought nothing) and came back to discover the household budget was £46.99 lighter as DH had bought an entire train set to match the one the neighbours had brought round for free that morning, along with a loud police alarm car and a set of 5 matchbox cars to go with the 90 or so (am not joking) we have already.

Now I am fairly mean, and had a 70s upbringing based on around new toys being bought at christmas time and birthdays only. DH came from a poor household and I think he is trying to make up for that so that DS doesn't go without. That I understand, but tbh DS is just as happy playing at grannys house with a box of pegs and one tricycle borrowed from their neighbours.

We can afford it as DH is a contractor, actually it all seems to have become worse since he is earning much money, but I feel that a) its giving DS the wrong message that all these toys miraculously appear for no reason b) its very environmentally unsound to buy plastic and associated packaging new when if we really wanted it we could get through 2nd hand sale or Ebay and much cheaper and c) our house is impossible to keep clean or tiday.

So AIBU or is DH ?

yes it is a form of cruelty - to grow up spoilt because your parents can't stop spending money is a great shame. I do buy mine gifts between birthday and christmas but only very small things and books. Anything bigger they have to save their pocket money for or is given as a 'reward' - ie dd2 read very nicely every night for 6 weeks so I bought her a barbie.

They still manage to have loads and loads of stuff though.

nacny - I think probablky a lot of people do chuck out old stuff when they buy themselves new - I certainly do anyway.

But the big difference is that generally adults still use their old clothes and 'toys' - kids grow out of them!!!

Rather than saying don't buy to him could you introduce a one in one out rule and get him (your DP) to accept responsibility for handling the one out for each one in he buys. If he has to do the nasty bit (taking a toy away) it might curb him doing the nice bit and make him more exposed to just how the toys have built up.

I'm an SP with 2DS (2 & 4) and everyone has taken pity on us because we've had a rough run the last year which has resulted in masses and masses of toys. We have three plastic kitchens + microwaves, vacuum cleaners, about 6 big boxes or cars, numerous train sets - wooden, plastic, electric hornby, lego etc etc. To top it all the childrens father buys them more tat each week if he visits. Until we complete the downsize thing we're currently undergoing we have a toy room but you can barely move for toys - and you're right they don't know what they have, so tend to play with whats in front of them. I've had an initial clear out and I'm now being strict mummy on new things in means old things out and broken things out.

Good luck

yes I always try and chuck out/recycle old stuff when I buy new

am aware that I am sounding incredibly worthy here

"three plastic kitchens + microwaves"

I don't mean cruelty as in something you would see on an NSPCC advert, of course not. I just mean if you raise a child to really appreciate things, to think getting a new thing is a special treat, that's a store of joy for them forever. If they constantly have a barrage of too much stuff, their expectations go up and they just want more and it rarely brings any joy. That's what being "spoiled" means. And I do think it's sad to deprive a child of that excitement.

I won't eulogise my childhood, it was rough. But growing up without a lot of money meant I did think it was fantastically exciting to get a new toy, and I still get that feeling now. Also things like going out to eat, staying in a hotel and even going food shopping still make me really happy. I do worry that as we're affluent, and the times are more affluent, that it's harder for DS to learn to appreciate things in the same way so I do try to keep a limit on toys for that reason.

yes totally agree snowleopard

I agree too snowleopard

Money wasn't plentiful when I grew up but that also means I'm a hoarder. Make do and mend. Problem is I'm from a very large family of hoarders and I'm one of the younger ones so we get all the pass ons. I can't throw away (if something is functional) but if I sell it seams a bit rude. Still something has to be done I get the too much plastic filling the house thing and that I don't want the kids to grow up thinking if you want something it appears - the toys get so much more costly as they get older and life just doesn't work you want you get thats why we have a credit crunch isn't it?

YABU.

My DH also buys loads of stuff for the kids. I think he is making up for his parents not getting him much, they had the money but his Dad wouldn't spend it.

Some great input here from people.

I think the main thing is that I am relieved that people didn't think I was being silly. It nearly spoiled a nice day out yesterday, because I can't leave him in a place like that without a huge toy or toys arriving and when I tried to raise it with DH he just gets a bit defensive and says that he doesn't buy that much that often and we can afford it, which we can.

Turniphead, I think you are right, DH is expressing his love for DS and doesn't want him to go short. Ironically this often means he is trawling on Ebay for a new toy for DS whilst DS sits unplayed with, strangely DH doesn't get the irony of this.

Someone else mentioned the one in one out policy. I had a bit of a paddy earlier in the year when I had to make another trip to the post office to pick up another piece of plastic tat and insisted DH tidy a lot a way.

He now wants to put stuff in the NCT sale, but of course I'm the one who knows when they are on, so I feel that I will get lumbered with putting the stickers on, bringing the stuff there and generally sorting it all out for about 50p profit.

I'd rather just bung it all in a charity shop, or give it away, but again why should I be the one sorting it out. Tried to give away our dancing iggle piggle ( must have toy of 2007, count on hands times played with by DS) as someone I know now has a son who likes ITNG but no, we could get a £10.00 for it so I'm not allowed to do this.

Thing is as well we are trying for a second, so if we give it all away does this mean I'm going to have to go through all this again a second time ?

Don't get me wrong, DH is a good dad and a wonderful husband. Like HappyMummyofone he just has a radically different perspective to spending than I do, it doesn't make it wrong, but it makes me unhappy.

"Ironically this often means he is trawling on Ebay for a new toy for DS whilst DS sits unplayed with, strangely DH doesn't get the irony of this. " oh dear that is sad

I would be bloody furious if I had tosell all these toys as well

now if that isnt money obsessive I dont know whta is

just tell him that whatever he buys you will give away when ds has finsished with it

You're right Enid I should just bundle the stuff up and punt it out.

This bit is totally my fault, but I do silently seethe sometimes because our lavish lifestyle is funded by my working 4 days a week and I feel that if we weren't so lavish on everything all the time then I could give up. But thats ridiculous because the reason I work 4 days is because my employers wouldn't agree to less and I don't think I'm well suited to be a SAHM anyway.

So for those others whose DHs buy a lot of toys. Do you resent it, or do you think its ok ?

can you not ask hiim to rein it in a bit? or discuss together what to buy him? or save up for a really whizzy bike or something?

I can try Enid, but he just doesn't see the issue at all and the thing is some of the purchases are often a good idea, but I just get a red mist now when he says he has bought something because of the frequency and the cost.

my dh NEVER shops

he doesnt have time and would rather stick pins in his eyes quite frankly

isn't it funny. I was raised in a family with very little money, my dad used to steal books for me from the local bookshop (I didn't know this until he told me infront of my manager when I worked at Waterstone's ) the old rogue. Apart from that EVERYTHING we had was second hand unless it was a present from our grandparents.

So I have grown up wanting to raise my children to learn the difference between Need and Want. I don't want children who say "I WANT I WANT" and so I will be teaching them to appreciate their belongings and not going overboard.

On the other hand someone I know was raised in similar circumstances and she has spoilt her daughter rotten. Nothing was ever second-hand right up to the car they bought for her when she was 17. She feels that as she had such a 'shitty childhood' she would never inflict this on her daughter.

weird.

I think you are right turniphead.

It's about more than just the toys, DH is also very laissez faire, so when its his turn to get DSs dinner he will present him with an array of items to choose from, and he tends to forget about things like teeth brushing or thinks the job is done if he just gives DS the tooth brush and DS clearly just sucks off the toothpaste.

Having said that he is a really good Dad a lot of the time. He interacts with DS and does equal shares of bath time and drop offs.

We need to agree on something and I'm happy to compromise to some extent but I feel that he should as well, he is a lovely man and I'm sure he will agree to something, it's just getting him to stick to it thats the problem !

YANBU. I have the same scenario as you even down to my DHs poor upbringing and my moderate one. He doesn't spend lots on the toys but it drives me mad because as dd1 gets older she will come to expect toys/magazines/sweets whenever we go to the shops IMO they need to earn things and respect the cost of things.

How do you cope with it tori32 ? Have you tried to come to any agreement and has it worked ?

I have the rule that she must mostly do as she is told and then she can have something at the weekend. I don't let her have anything from the shop during the week. She gets told if she is good she can have a magazine at the weekend at 2.5y She prefers magazines to sweets!

It does work because she doesn't go into the shop and always want things iyswim.