AIBU to take my son away after my husband's behaviour?

[Holymolyaperoli]

DH has been an insufferable A*hole lately - bad tempered, reckless, miserable and im fed up with it. Every week for the last 6 weeks hes made some cock up and rather than apologising and owning it, fixing it he just storms off, shuts himself in the bedroom and doesn't speak to me or our 5yo son. He also just seems to live life like a single person, no accountability for anything, zero consideration for anyone, no empathy and puts himself first before everyone else. Our DS says he hates him and doesn't want daddy to babysit because he shouts all the time. So I drove about an hour away last night for a weekend away with my son. We are having a lovely time. DH didn't even realise we were gone until about 11pm because he'd gone for drinks after work. I just wish I didn't have to go back.

I’d make it permanent tbh! He sounds like an arsehole.

How awful for you and your son.

I would be making plans for this to be permanent. Considering if you both own the home etc.

There’s lots missing, here.

• What exactly is he doing?
• Why do you/your son refer to him parenting as ‘babysitting’?
• Unless you were worried about safety, taking someone’s child away for the weekend and not telling them is unacceptable, imo.

You say 'for the last six weeks'. Is this new behaviour or is it old behaviour ramped up several notches?

Well there's just a succession of things....we are abroad....
Final straw was day before yesterday - he'd picked DS from school and we have a cart that you pull with a handle which we had borrowed from a friend - DS sits in it, he took DS to a small park but left the cart not outside the park but further down the road next to the bin shed so obviously someone must have thought it was rubbish and took it whilst he was in the park. He came home said it had been stolen, I asked what happened and why had he left it next to the bins - he stormed off and shut himself in the bedroom and stopped speaking to us. Leaving me to fix his mistake. This is a common pattern. Every week I'm left to pick up the pieces to problems created by him, some big and some small.
Our DS is high functioning autistic so it adds another layer of difficulty- i work full time as does DH - we both work from home - but he has time in the day to go to the gym, meet friends for lunch, lie on rhe sofa playing video games. But I'm left carrying the load, I often do all 4 trips to school each day as we have to bring DS home for lunch, I do all the care for DS - DH just does not make the effort to such extent that DS just does not have the same relationship with his dad.

Anyway I could write a book. But ultimately did not want to ruin our weekend with more of the silent treatment. If he can swan around doing what he feels like without any consideration for others now he can have a taste of his own medicine. Today there is a wine festival on in the place where we live - DH wanted to go. I dont - mainly as I won't be able to relax with DS as he will not cope with the crowds, noise, smell and I will be left with all of the childcare - so I thought why should I go.

I used the word babysitting because it's the word my son used.

Yes I think I'm done tbh, this week was the nail in the coffin.

What was his reaction to finding out you had gone? Is this something you can use for a serious conversation?
Otherwise, you know what you need to do to have a life that is happier for both of you.

I would leave if I was you. Is that possible?

I don’t think the marriage is salvageable. A man who loves and cares for his wife and child doesn’t let the wife do everything and continually act like such an arse. I bet you’ll find life easier with just the two of you.

Yes, I would leave.

Has he said he misses you or expressed any kind of negative emotion that you’re not there? Or does he not care that you’ve gone?

If you are away from him and thinking how lovely it is, and you’re dreading going back to him then it does say a lot doesn’t it?
If it were me I would speak calmly and frankly to him when I got back, explain why you left and how serious this is. Spell it out for him and if he doesn’t show any remorse or sign of changing then you’ll have your answer.
I absolutely don’t think you’re being unreasonable to have gone away for the weekend, sounds like you really needed a break.

What was his reaction when he found you had both gone?

I agree that you doing so was 'a bit of his own medicine'.

You seem to have reached the 'point of no return' in your relationship, and your H is simply another child you are caring for tbh.

If I were you, it'd definitely be the end of the marriage, as a marriage takes two, both trying to make it work, and it's clear that you are simply on your own in the marriage. He doesn't try at all. He has zero interest in being a 'partner' or of being an actual adult even.

I'd be planning my exit asap.

I messaged him last night to say where we were and that we would be away for 2 nights and he said "that's great". Then he messaged my mum and made up a conversation that we had supposedly had which was a total lie - to make me look bad. Very odd behaviour. He does have mental health issues - long time depressed, spent 6 wks in a psych clinic 4 years ago. I dont think he's right in the head to be honest. He's had a psychiatrist ever since and been on medication and he did have a therapist up until a year and a half ago but he stopped seeing her as she told him things he didn't like hearing - "negative" about himself. To everyone else he seems really funny and charming, and normal but sadly to those closest to him his behaviour is very different.

Yes I would like to leave but would want to ensure I had full custody of our son as I don't think DH is capable of taking care of him. When i go away for work trips I get my mum to fly out to help take care of DS. If I'm on a short work trip I hire a babysitter to come in the evening to help. Last time I went away for 1 night and came home at 12.30am, DS had pooed his pants earlier in the night (constipation issues from withholding) and didn't want DH to change him so DH just put him to bed and went to bed himself. I came home and the smell was awful, i changed DS when he was asleep, I was so mad I woke up DH and told him it was unacceptable and neglectful- what would he have done if I hadn't been home -left DS in his own poo overnight? In the past when I've gone away for 2 nights I've come home and DS has been in the same clothes as I put him in when I left. DH just cannot be bothered.
I now try to minimise any work trips and ensure someone else is around to take care of DS.

After your last update. Jesus wept, get yourself and your son away from this man.

You’re not in your home country? You need to think extremely carefully here, and not make any rash steps. I completely agree you need to leave this man, he sounds truly awful. But you need to plan this.

You need to end this ASAP.

Can you ask him to move out while youre away?

He clearly has MH issues.

He sounds like an awful neglectful parent. Do you think he’d likely agree to you having full custody? You need to plan carefully as he doesn’t sound well and he’s already making up stories about you.

I think he would want 50/50 to avoid paying more child support. He's a high earner but totally obsessed with money.

He would not move out - he has nowhere to go. If I were to push the button on divorce he'd have another breakdown I'd imagine but he'd also be very difficult. He holds grudges easily.

Obviously you should take your child and leave. Can't believe you are even asking tbh.

Would you want to stay where you are, or move to where your mum is? Moving countries would obviously be the best way to keep your son away from your husband, but I’m not sure of the legalities?

I'm happy to stay in the country I'm in, so would try to do that but it's alot more expensive than my home country.

Legally I could not take my son somewhere else without DH consent.

I dont think there's malicious intent necessarily with him, I think mentally he's just not well/a bit mad. But I would still want him to have a relationship with our son just not overnight stays right now.

Sounds like you need to get into planning phase to understand your options before you make any big announcements to DH re divorce or separation. Did you get married in the country you live in or somewhere else? Are you all citizens of the country you live in? Legalities here are important.

can you pay for a solicitor yourself to work through this. You need to collect banks statements, evidence of what marital assets you have etc. and make sure your and DS passports are in your possession and not somewhere he could find them.

do you have any local family at all?

Be very careful and plan everything before you tell him you want to divorce. He seems potentially dangerous. And on the episode of the cart, and similar ones, I'd question if they are really "mistakes".

We got married in the country we live in. I think it would need some planning - my big concern is whether I earn enough to live alone with DS. I earn a great salary by UK standards but in this country it would be considered low. I also am required to travel for work so I don't know how I would fix this. But I need to look into it.

Knowing DH like I do he would certainly do everything he could to make life as difficult as possible. He's not rational.

He has messaged today to say he's deeply unhappy. Everything is me me me. As usual. There's no sorry, or accountability even when I've tried to point this out. Hes not interested. The only thing he can say is you hate me, and you resent me and everything I do is wrong. Can't seem to move past that.