AIBU to take my son away after my husband's behaviour?

31 replies

Holymolyaperoli · 30/05/2026 07:43

DH has been an insufferable A*hole lately - bad tempered, reckless, miserable and im fed up with it. Every week for the last 6 weeks hes made some cock up and rather than apologising and owning it, fixing it he just storms off, shuts himself in the bedroom and doesn't speak to me or our 5yo son. He also just seems to live life like a single person, no accountability for anything, zero consideration for anyone, no empathy and puts himself first before everyone else. Our DS says he hates him and doesn't want daddy to babysit because he shouts all the time. So I drove about an hour away last night for a weekend away with my son. We are having a lovely time. DH didn't even realise we were gone until about 11pm because he'd gone for drinks after work. I just wish I didn't have to go back.

OP posts:

Stormwhale · 30/05/2026 20:51

The fact that he is a high earner means he is capable in some ways. Do you think he chooses to be incapable in others or is genuinely at his limit due to his job and has nothing left otherwise?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/05/2026 20:57

Holymolyaperoli · 30/05/2026 08:56

I messaged him last night to say where we were and that we would be away for 2 nights and he said "that's great". Then he messaged my mum and made up a conversation that we had supposedly had which was a total lie - to make me look bad. Very odd behaviour. He does have mental health issues - long time depressed, spent 6 wks in a psych clinic 4 years ago. I dont think he's right in the head to be honest. He's had a psychiatrist ever since and been on medication and he did have a therapist up until a year and a half ago but he stopped seeing her as she told him things he didn't like hearing - "negative" about himself. To everyone else he seems really funny and charming, and normal but sadly to those closest to him his behaviour is very different.

Yes I would like to leave but would want to ensure I had full custody of our son as I don't think DH is capable of taking care of him. When i go away for work trips I get my mum to fly out to help take care of DS. If I'm on a short work trip I hire a babysitter to come in the evening to help. Last time I went away for 1 night and came home at 12.30am, DS had pooed his pants earlier in the night (constipation issues from withholding) and didn't want DH to change him so DH just put him to bed and went to bed himself. I came home and the smell was awful, i changed DS when he was asleep, I was so mad I woke up DH and told him it was unacceptable and neglectful- what would he have done if I hadn't been home -left DS in his own poo overnight? In the past when I've gone away for 2 nights I've come home and DS has been in the same clothes as I put him in when I left. DH just cannot be bothered.
I now try to minimise any work trips and ensure someone else is around to take care of DS.

You need to keep a diary of all of these and create a paper trail eg try to discuss them with DH over text or email so you have evidence that he’s not denying it

Seriously12 · 30/05/2026 20:58

You need to contact a domestic abuse charity in this country for advice.

Your child hates him and he sounds just awful.

Get local advice and help.

Keep careful notes of all his neglect, abuse and fxxk ups.

They could be very useful for court.

Cailleach1 · 30/05/2026 21:12

At the moment, you’re minimising work trips and trying to ensure there is someone there to look after your DS.

I’m not sure your ‘D’H is doing much anyway. Other than creating a volatile and oppressive atmosphere. It sounds soul destroying. For you and your son.

If you are thinking of removing yourself and your son from the situation, get all your ducks in a row first, and don’t give his dad any idea you are preparing to leave.

BookArt55 · 30/05/2026 22:39

Screenshot these messages abd tey and get evidence showing that he doesn't care for your son. If something happens again like the poo incident, send a text the next day sharing your feelings on it so you hae evidence.
Document- get invoices from babysitters, flights for you mum, evidence of your work trip dates to show the pattern.
Get school to Document you do all the school runs and school contact.
Make a plan, get in touch with a DA charity. Ignoring you for a weekend is a form of abuse when it refukarly happens, as it seems to with him. Stonewalling it is officially called and is horrible to live with

I left when my son was 5 and daughter was younger. Son has confirmed adhd and potentially autism too, and the difference in his feelings and way he manages everything since we moved out 2 years ago was like a lightswitch. He was picking up on all that negativity, being ignored, etc. Make a plan and live your life. However I would suggest you look at post separation abuse as you allude to him taking it badly... my ex sounds similar in lots of ways to yours and he has definitely made it harder, and still is trying to get the kids 50/50 so it doesn't impact his money.

Wishing you luck. Make a plan, get out and in a year you won't regret it.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 30/05/2026 22:49

Can you position things so he feels he needs more time to himself, less responsibility? If you are defensive about not wanting him to have too much time with DS, for DS’s sake, then he’ll fight to get as much contact as he can.

if you appear concerned for the dad’s wellbeing, because of the additional stresses of look8ng after DS, he may decide he ‘isn’t well enough’ to have 50/50.

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