AIBU to take my son away after my husband's behaviour?

[Holymolyaperoli]

DH has been an insufferable A*hole lately - bad tempered, reckless, miserable and im fed up with it. Every week for the last 6 weeks hes made some cock up and rather than apologising and owning it, fixing it he just storms off, shuts himself in the bedroom and doesn't speak to me or our 5yo son. He also just seems to live life like a single person, no accountability for anything, zero consideration for anyone, no empathy and puts himself first before everyone else. Our DS says he hates him and doesn't want daddy to babysit because he shouts all the time. So I drove about an hour away last night for a weekend away with my son. We are having a lovely time. DH didn't even realise we were gone until about 11pm because he'd gone for drinks after work. I just wish I didn't have to go back.

The fact that he is a high earner means he is capable in some ways. Do you think he chooses to be incapable in others or is genuinely at his limit due to his job and has nothing left otherwise?

You need to keep a diary of all of these and create a paper trail eg try to discuss them with DH over text or email so you have evidence that he’s not denying it

You need to contact a domestic abuse charity in this country for advice.

Your child hates him and he sounds just awful.

Get local advice and help.

Keep careful notes of all his neglect, abuse and fxxk ups.

They could be very useful for court.

At the moment, you’re minimising work trips and trying to ensure there is someone there to look after your DS.

I’m not sure your ‘D’H is doing much anyway. Other than creating a volatile and oppressive atmosphere. It sounds soul destroying. For you and your son.

If you are thinking of removing yourself and your son from the situation, get all your ducks in a row first, and don’t give his dad any idea you are preparing to leave.

Screenshot these messages abd tey and get evidence showing that he doesn't care for your son. If something happens again like the poo incident, send a text the next day sharing your feelings on it so you hae evidence.
Document- get invoices from babysitters, flights for you mum, evidence of your work trip dates to show the pattern.
Get school to Document you do all the school runs and school contact.
Make a plan, get in touch with a DA charity. Ignoring you for a weekend is a form of abuse when it refukarly happens, as it seems to with him. Stonewalling it is officially called and is horrible to live with

I left when my son was 5 and daughter was younger. Son has confirmed adhd and potentially autism too, and the difference in his feelings and way he manages everything since we moved out 2 years ago was like a lightswitch. He was picking up on all that negativity, being ignored, etc. Make a plan and live your life. However I would suggest you look at post separation abuse as you allude to him taking it badly... my ex sounds similar in lots of ways to yours and he has definitely made it harder, and still is trying to get the kids 50/50 so it doesn't impact his money.

Wishing you luck. Make a plan, get out and in a year you won't regret it.

Can you position things so he feels he needs more time to himself, less responsibility? If you are defensive about not wanting him to have too much time with DS, for DS’s sake, then he’ll fight to get as much contact as he can.

if you appear concerned for the dad’s wellbeing, because of the additional stresses of look8ng after DS, he may decide he ‘isn’t well enough’ to have 50/50.

How are you now OP? Have you managed to figure out what you are doing moving forward? 💐

@BobbysDazzler all ok, still navigating that part. We have quite a complicated set up with being abroad and co owning a business but I'm quietly and discreetly working out my options. Today was father's day and DH was really not interested in spending time with DS. He took him to the cinema because I booked it but then shut himself in bed all afternoon so we went out. And he was asleep when we came back early evening.

This is no way for you and your child to live.

I wish you all the best with it, it's never easy and varying countries have different laws which can sometimes make things harder.... Reach out if you need a rant, there are people about who care about others, and just ignore the trolls....

So a new update. On Friday he picked DS up from school came home, DS is crying "daddy shook me, dragged me home, I was defending myself"......DH effing and reffing. Both blaming each other. DS didn't leave my side. DH stormed out, screaming how is this my life. And we haven't seen him since. He came back Friday night whilst I was bathing DS and got a bag of stuff then disappeared. Not heard from him since. He did leave his old phone behind (he replaced it last week) and I can see from him emails he's booked a hotel and hour away. And he's been goggling "will my wife take all my money if I divorce" and "dead bedroom" as well as porn.
DS and I meanwhile have had the best weekend and it really is a much happier home without him

Can you contact school to see if there are any witnesses to your DH shaking your DS? This feels like it might ramp up. Wishing you both safety.

@Scattery thats a good idea....

OP I think its fair to say it's definitely over between you and now it's just what happens next (other than you being happier long term) ❤️

He quite clearly is struggling with his MH, and being around a child clearly isn't helping him.

Sounds like it would be for the best if he moves out for a bit to see how it goes.

Don’t let this go any further. Having a DS who has a “scary dad in the bedroom” is no way for him to grow up and you deserve better.

Have you managed to let resentment build up to the point where he can't get anything right.

If I'd taken DC to the park and had the buggy stolen while I was busy watching them, and somehow that was all my fault when I got home, I might be a bit snappy!

Next time he flounces off I'd be asking the police for a welfare check. Sow the seeds of his genuine lack of mental wellbeing..
Building a case against his ability to care for ds alone is necessary imo. Log all incidents in a file on your phone password protected.

Are you for real?

I was in a very similar position to you @Holymolyaperoli , and four years on, our life (me and ND DC) is unrecognisable - calm, happy, mostly well-organised (of course I get tired but nothing like as weary as when I had my giant toddler XH to parent as well)...but most importantly, life is peaceful and predictable and happy.

It wasn't easy getting here but although XH started with wanting 50/50 the reality is he only wants the DC every other weekend, and even that is too much sometimes.

DC have blossomed due to having a more peaceful home life, and their Father can play "Disney Dad" just long enough whilst they are with him. I don't like them going there but I was advised by my solicitor that going with the minimum was the better option because it wouldn't create a "fight" that XH would want to win...he thinks he's won by getting what he wanted...and the DC are far more stable through being with me most of the week.

It sounds like you're getting your ducks organised which is good, make sure you get good advice for whichever country you decide you want to be in...and don't worry about the money; our finances are tighter than they were, but we are rich in every other way. And you will be too.

Hide his old phone! That is evidence!