One sided ‘friendship’

[Kat19852222]

Need advise regarding a longterm friendship
Met this friend in 2010 when I started at university got very close almost like sisters we were in separable for the whole 3 years of university met up at weekends etc, she had to defer her last year for to being in hospital but I kept in touch made sure I saw her every week.
Fast forward a few years both had jobs working 12 hour shift pattern nights and days, I got pregnant winter of 2016 with my son who was born in the summer of 2017 still in touch I asked her to be my sons godmother. Still in touch over next few years but not as much as we use to, when I’d try to arrange something when often I’d have to bring my son (due to having no one else to look after him) she’d either go quiet or not respond. Contact slowly drained off but still saw each other about once a month.
Fast forward 2026 and we barely see each other anymore I’m always suggested to meet up but she’s too busy seeing other friends or going gym. I messaged her last week asking to meet as my son kept asking too see her but got usual excuses, I said I thought she could make more of an effort as she was going gym every day so could miss one session due to her godson wanting to see her, got no I’m busy I’m sorry ended the message with a full stop like she was trying to end the conversation…. Not responded but pretty pissed off when iv checked her instagram and seen she’s still at gym most days and is seeing other friends so the im busy with work excuse doesn’t fly…
Am I fair in thinking just stop all communication? As it seems very one sided to me

There is a middle ground where you stop expecting to meet but send a message every now and then checking in. It may be she doesn't want the same level of contact because she has other priorities
Yes you have to let her come to you a bit, and that means she might not
No do not take it personally there could be literally any reason.

I’m not contacting anymore my son was asking to see her I explained this got no reply but she read the message it’s rude. She goes to gym everyday but give that up for one day to see her godson. I’m done.

Sorry op don’t take it personally but she doesn’t want to be friends with someone who has to bring their child constantly. Let this friendship go.

Both of your priorities have shifted as time has passed and this happens to a lot of uni friendships in my experience. It sound like your lives are too different now. Yes it's painful but you may have to reconcile the fact that you are no longer as important to each other as you once were and that that's ok.

Friendships don't always last forever and it sounds like you're both at different stages in life. If she's not bothered about meeting up, concentrate on other friends.

Its a shame and I feel for you - I’ve had similar experiences.
Does she have kids? Is there a mental health problem? Like someone else has mentioned there could be any reason and I wouldn’t take it personally - fact of life some friendships drift.
She is clearly more of a priority to you than you are to her - I’ve been here many a time, I would back off with the effort and see what happens. Don’t be too confrontational/angry - send friendly messages occasionally - birthdays etc.
Try not to get to wound up - focus your energy and effort on someone else.

No not kids I’m 40, with a longterm bf of 14 years and 1, 8 year old child whereas she has never had a stable longterm bf and no kids

Well I guess your lives are now quite different - less common ground.
Things change - maybe in a few years time you’ll be in a ‘more similar situation’
Either way I would keep things friendly but back off on the effort - focus on people who make the time for you

Nah I’m done with her. I’m not responded to any messages anymore I’m going to ghost her. My son who’s her godson is disabled with additional needs he was excluded from mainstream and now attends a special school she knows all this but has never offered any kind off support apart from a text every 3 months asking how he is. She was sectioned a while ago in hospital and I did nothing but support her. If someone can go on holiday every 3 months and to the gym every day she has no excuse.

Easier said than done when your have no other means of childcare only the child’s dad who works Opposite to what I work. She should have made more of an effort she is his godmother, if you can go gym everyday you have no excuse.

I think you should be more understanding of her not wanting to meet with you and your child. She's 40 and may want kids and not be able to have them or the opportunity to have them.

The threshold for being sectioned is incredibly high these days. You mention working 12 hour shifts in your profession that you both trained for together- is this nursing? If so, surely you should know this and perhaps be more understanding that staying active and healthy is imperative for improving mental well-being. Perhaps she is going through more than you think. You cannot decipher much from the carefully curated highlights somebody chooses to post on Instagram.

You seem to be incredibly accusatory and full of assumptions, rather than curious about why things have shifted. As a childfree person, I would certainly be making excuses if a friend brought their child along to every meet up. It changes the whole tone; it can be incredibly challenging to have a conversation and speak freely if a child is constantly there and demanding their mother's attention.

You are also acting like she is your DM not making time for her grandchild, not a godmother who was a friend from uni. The title of godmother means very little to so many people, many people never see their godparents into adulthood. Trying almost emotionally blackmail her by informing her your son is asking for her is so manipulative. Do you really want her to meet you simply because she feels guilty?

Not sure why you said you needed advice, OP, when after the first reply you declared "I'm done".

She doesn’t want to meet up with you & the child, being godmother means nothing really. She’s just not that into you sorry op but you really lack understanding for other peoples points of views. Shes childless by choice, she doesn’t want to hang out with other peoples kids. Its obvious by the way shes behaving.

@Kat19852222 someone needs to tell you. The world doesn’t revolve around you and your wants and needs.

You should suggest meeting up just the two of you

She might find it upsetting meeting up with you and your child if she’s wanted a family herself but been unable to achieve it.

She doesn’t see you as a close friend and doesn’t want to spend time with you and your child. There’s actually nothing wrong with that - despite that you’ve know each other for a long time, she’s not obliged to maintain the friendship. People and friendships change. It sounds like you don’t have much in common. You may want to maintain the friendship but you cannot force it on her. You come across like you feel she owes you something.

I find it odd you’re friends and you aren’t wondering what’s wrong as opposed to saying she’s rude, I’m done! Is it a child thing? Does she want kids maybe? Or a boyfriend? Or maybe she’s gone through something you don’t know about- my friend had family problems and cut herself off from us all but from the outside was going to the gym, doing the usual work moan etc.

Or she just doesn’t want to hang out with a child? She’s 40 and has her own friends and life. It’s not unusual for friendships to drift when one person has children and the other doesn’t. People’s lives change and they may not have much in common anymore.

She doesn’t need ‘an excuse’. She doesn’t want to see you. She’s been perfectly clear.

And I don’t think you can ‘ghost’ someone who’s already made it clear she doesn’t want to see you.

Someone said "friends for a reason or friends for a season". This acutally helped me with a couple of instances in my life, reframing.I understand that you feel a deeper connection, and you actually made her godmother to your son, which means something to you. I think your son has a crap godmother. I would acknowledge that and move on. Don´t mention her to your son and I wouldn´t let her come in and out of his life as she feels like it either, not fair on him. And just cool off. I have a similar friend. I am polite and friendly when I happen to see her, we have a chat and I leave it at that now (for quite a few years now). She would arrange to meet me and then say she couldn´t come because she was going to have supper with her husband. I did point out about the fact she had supper with him every night. It just happened once too many times. I make appreciative noises when she says we should meet when I visit our home town, but i never follow up. I matched her energy. Do the same.

Have you read my comment above? Obviously not. I have no other means of childcare apart from my partner who works opposite me so he can’t have him so I can go and visit her.

I would let it go op sometimes we at different life stages. The no childcare is hard too.

To me, the OP sounds incredibly angry and focused on her own issues, which are not her friends.

The OP’s lack of childcare is not anyone else’s problem to fix - it is what it is and that’s hard. and is compounded by some additional needs. But it is not the friends problem to fix.

I remember before I had my kids - I made an occasional effort to meet friends with kids but it didn’t last. Not because I didn’t like them but because it was a waste of time. Their energy and focus was on the child so we wouldn’t speak properly or catch up. And being childless (at the time by choice as I wasn’t particularly maternal) I was
quite selfish and found it hard to fake interest in kids that I was actually uninterested in. But, now I have kids I do also understand that while i love them and find them fascinating, others do not so I do not force them on my friends.

id also echo others - it sounds like the friend has had some issues in the past, so it may be important she focuses on her health and routine. She may not be in the right place to break that because the OP finds it hard to find a baby sitter.

To me, the OP sounds frustrated with the demands of having a young child with additional needs, a partner working opposite shifts etc but i still can’t see how that is the friends problem to fix.