AIBU to keep personal problems private rather than tell my manager?

[user897787]

If your going through something in your personal life that starts affecting you at work do you tell your manager?
I have something going on that is probably affecting me at work I feel like I am being a bit snappy and finding it difficult to concentrate.
I am a private person and don't chat about myself at work so opening up is quite a big deal for me.

I think that if you’re snapping at people then they deserve a slight explanation - not details, just “sorry I snapped earlier, got some stuff going on at home and I’m not feeling myself”

You are not BU to keep personal problems private.

But you are not keeping them private if they are overspilling into your behaviour at work.
You don't have to tell everyone every little detail. You can literally say "I'm sorry I was a bit snappy; I have some personal issues at the moment. I will try not to let them affect my behaviour at work". If you're unable to prevent it affecting your work behaviour, perhaps you should look into getting signed off?

Is your manager a reasonable human being? If so then I would open up. If uncomfortable maybe start off vague. Say you are going through some personal issues and you think it is impacting your work and just wanted to flag. You can then say you are a naturally private person but can expand if required. That way you may not have to. Some managers would want to help. Others may appreciate the out!

I think it depends how much its impacting your work and whether its creating problems for others.

When I was going through a divorce I did tell my managers because I was having to take a lot of calls during the working day and my ex husband’s behaviour meant I had no support with childcare so had to leave work early. If I hadn’t explained this it could’ve led to disciplinary issues for me.

But I would only share personal issues if they relate directly to my job. I would hate to share just for the sake of it. I’m uncomfortable with work cultures where people are expected to share their personal lives.

If it's affecting your work in any way, yes, of course you need to mention it.
Obviously depends upon the severity of whatever is happening and your workplace.

Eg. if your child (for example) is having school issues and you're having to field extra 'phone calls from the school, a mild mention of a temporary problem which might necessitate some extra calls is OK.

Or (for example) you have something major going on which is making you snappy (ill relative, or personal illness and in great pain/worry etc) AND you're in a customer facing role....yes, you are going to have to have a conversation with your manager. You can't be snapping at customers and making mistakes in your job because you're upset, without some sort of explanation.

Nothing to do with whether it's 'private' or not, your manager needs to know enough about what's going on, how it might affect your work and for how long this might be....or some suggestions as to how you might resolve it.
Your manager expects you to be doing your job to the best of your ability, but if something is altering that, they need to know, and you also have an expectation of some supportive understanding.

If it's affecting how you are at work, i think you need to say something but I don't think you need to give lots of detail. just say you are having some personal difficulties right now.

It would be worse if your manager approached you about a slip in your work. Much better to own it. Much more professional. You could ask if there is an employee assistance program (EAP) you could have the details for in case you need it. They usually provide a p&c listening service or mental health/wellbeing service or can get the support you might need confidentially. Then it shows you are being proactive about your situation too.

I'd preempt it and ask my mananger if I could 'have headphones/work in a seperate office/whatever' as I am finding the lack of ability to concentrate at work difficult and don't want to get snappy at people for interrupting me.

I'd also just, not get snappy. You have identified the issue so own the solution. Take a few breaths and then respond. Go use the loo and take a break.

I personally would and do, but I know not all managers are good, my husbands been ill so i’ve been stressed, so I told them as I knew my work may suffer and I may need to leave with short notice etc.

I hope you’re okay.

I'm very open with my line managers and they're very open with their support accordingly. They're really excellent managers though, who care enormously about their team. The best I've had in all my long working life.

As a manager I would hope my staff felt able to let me know in general terms so I could put support in place if necessary such as allowing you to leave early/come in later, work in a quieter area etc. It also makes it easier to quash any comments from other team members.

You don't need to tell your manager all the details of the situation. But it sounds sensible to say something like "I have a family situation at the moment that is quite stressful. I wanted to let you know and suggest that for the next two weeks I [do back office tasks and less customer facing work/avoid leading group workshop/whatever seems relevant to your job but also reasonable for our workplace]

If you are snapping at people and not concentrating, then it is impacting your work and you would be sensible to proactively do something about it.

Many large companies have an employee assistance programme (EAP) which allows you to access some support like counselling or group therapy with external providers. So that might be worth looking up in any HR info packs/Internal website.

You don’t need to confide as though your manager is a friend, but if something is affecting your work, professionalism means you owe an explanation. ‘X, I just wanted to let you know that if I seem distracted, it’s because I have something difficult going on at home.’

As a line manager, I’d far rather know there is something going on if it’s affecting the work of someone in my team. I don’t need to know all the details - some people will tell me a lot, some barely anything - but it means I can offer support such as adjusting workload or hours or something like more WFH or a private place to make phone calls.

There may be support we can offer which the employee hasn’t thought of or realised they could use, such as the Employee Assistance Programme or emergency time off for dependents.

You are being unfair to your manager by not telling them. You have already admitted that it is affecting your work performance. By speaking to your manager you would enable them to handle any complaints from other people about your behaviour. If you just carry on performing below par and being rude to other staff then your manager will eventually have to speak to you about it and it won't be to your advantage to only reveal there is a problem as it could be interpreted as making an excuse. Message upur boss this morning and request a meeting.

I think it depends.

I have been going through absolute hell in the past few months with an elderly parent. I have told my managers in case I need any time off at very short notice. I know that my situation isn’t impacting my performance but it could impact my attendance at some point.

They’ve been nothing but supportive.

I strongly believe that people should own their behaviour and make changes where needed. It's not ok to snap at people for no reason. They may also be going through something tough in their lives and you snapping could have more of an impact than you realise.
I think you need to do whatever it takes to avoid the situation repeating - whether thats time off, therapy etc.

Then you can go to your manager and say that you have been having a tough time personally and had noticed that you were snapping and concentration had fallen and you've arranged X,Y,Z that you'll need time off to attend.

Yes if is impacting work, tell your manager so they can manage you appropriately, its litterally their job.

No detail is required here, just let them know there's something going on (a family issue, health issues, relationship issue, whatever vague-ry you're comfortable with) and let them know the impact you think is having on your work and how long you expect it to be for. Discuss any reasonable adjustments you'd like (less cust facing work, flexible deadlines, reduced case load, flexible hours) and for how long, and tell them when you'd like to discuss again (e.g 'I'll be in a position to discuss again in 2 weeks tone, should we put something in the diary to review my <reduced cases/flex hours/whatever it is> then)

If you don't need anything to change still voice that theres something going on, that you're aware your mood/attitude/ability might be impacted and while you don’t need any adjustments right now, you wanted them to be aware, perhaps mention you'd be happy to discuss again on x date if you think things are still being impacted.

That's it, no personal info or discussion needed, just enough for them to manage you and your work better.

As a manager, it's much better for me to know if something is going on. If you're sanpping at customers, then it's clearly affecting your work. If you're snapping at customers becuase you're worried about a sick child, then there might be something I can do about that, such as scheduling, breaks to phone home, access to our employee assistance programme etc. I don't need to know which child or what they have, but just knowing that there is a personal issue will make a difference.

Depends on the dynamic with you and your manager - I've got a couple of line managers (it's a transition period and a bit muddy at the moment) and one I'm very very open with (and vice versa) and she'd probably have been told it all, the other would just get (and be OK with) a "I've got some personal stuff going on making me a bit shorter-triggered than normal - bear with me and tell me if I'm getting close to crossing any lines".

If it's affecting you at work, then I think you need to tell your manager. You don't necessarily need to go into a huge amount of detail, just the general gist - something like 'I'm going through a really difficult time with my partner / child / elderly parents at the moment and it's taking up a lot of headspace' or 'I'm waiting on some test results for a health issue and I'm a bit on edge' or even just 'There's an ongoing situation at home right now that's quite stressful'.

Sometimes context helps.
Opening up can help with your manager then suggesting a different way of working / temp accommodations while you’re going through a process.
last thing you want is to breach some kind of conduct policy due to your behaviour when you could have potentially put things in place to stop it.

This. You dont have to go into all the minute details but yes, you do have to mention that personal issues are affecting you at work. Thats only fair.

There is a huge middle ground between telling them that and giving them your personal diary to read

I would explain that you're going through some personal issues and am sorry that it's impacting on your work - and that you'll try to manage better. You don't need to go into details if you don't want to.

The snappiness is more behind the scene so for example that bloody phone hasn’t stopped ringing today which is something often said by staff but im usually the calm one and dont get stressed.
The reason I’m stressed is probably just a big over reaction on my part I have my yearly cancer tests and I’ve been feeling a bit off so I feel anxious about them even though I should be fine and able to cope I’ve done 7 years of check ups