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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to keep personal problems private rather than tell my manager?

38 replies

user897787 · 29/05/2026 08:45

If your going through something in your personal life that starts affecting you at work do you tell your manager?
I have something going on that is probably affecting me at work I feel like I am being a bit snappy and finding it difficult to concentrate.
I am a private person and don't chat about myself at work so opening up is quite a big deal for me.

OP posts:
knackeredmumoftwo · 29/05/2026 10:49

If you flip it around - it's not about not being private but allows your manager to support and deploy you effectively whilst you are under pressure - they don't need to know all the details but a simple I am
undergoing Routine annual follow ups right now and I'm worried about them and I feel like it's impacting how calm
i usually am in the workplace - this then allows your manager to offer support as appropriate and not judge your behaviour- they may well have noticed but it is on the employee to volunteer as much appropriate information as they feel comfortable sharing rather than them pulling you to oneside for a chat

wishing you all the best as you wait x

KojaksLollipop · 29/05/2026 10:49

Telling them you have problems, isn’t the same as telling them what the problems are.

When DH left me, I went into a free fall, I tried so hard to keep it to myself but I was a wreck and my work suffered terribly, I told my manager the basics and I can’t express how fabulous he was, so supportive, he allowed me to take time out throughout the day to fall apart and pull myself together again, his whole attitude actually made the whole process easier for me and work became a bit of a sanctuary from the stress instead of adding to it. I cannot thank him enough, great guy!

Fauxlein · 29/05/2026 10:50

I would share this with your boss. It's a very understandable stress to have a check up for something so serious and to be effected by it. If a report told me this I wouldn't think they were oversharing or that they had a chaotic life at home, and it would explain behaviour change at work well.

CoffeePoweredWoman · 29/05/2026 14:37

As a manager I would be wanting you to share this with me, I also know from my own experience with cancer how much you want life to carry on as normal after but how certain things such as check ups can trigger the fear and how much you want to fight the fear.
I hope everything goes well for you

plsdontlookatme · 29/05/2026 15:18

I think it's courteous to either make colleagues aware that something is going on or arrange appropriate leave. Lots of people have very challenging personal lives and it's not a licence to go around snapping at colleagues.

Stoicandhappy · 29/05/2026 15:40

Why can’t you just tell manager you are under personal stress at the moment, rather than telling them all the details?

user897787 · 29/05/2026 15:42

plsdontlookatme · 29/05/2026 15:18

I think it's courteous to either make colleagues aware that something is going on or arrange appropriate leave. Lots of people have very challenging personal lives and it's not a licence to go around snapping at colleagues.

I haven't snapped at colleagues more snappy about situations, I hope they don't think I have been snappy towards them I feel like a right moody bitch at the moment without upsetting people.

OP posts:
ThatBlueLeader · 29/05/2026 15:55

user897787 · 29/05/2026 15:42

I haven't snapped at colleagues more snappy about situations, I hope they don't think I have been snappy towards them I feel like a right moody bitch at the moment without upsetting people.

So talk to your line manager rather than bottling up your feelings. You are not helping yourself in the long run.

drinksdilemma · 29/05/2026 16:02

I think if it’s affecting your work and causing you to snap you need to tell your manager. They can help you out with things or suggest sick leave etc.

Costatesco · 29/05/2026 18:24

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Costatesco · 29/05/2026 18:25

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EBearhug · 29/05/2026 18:56

I'd absolutely tell my current manager - he's very big on well-being.

I would have told most previous managers, too, but I might have told some of them rather less detail - certainly one of them, I knew more about what some colleagues were going through than they had told me themselves, and I expect at least two of them didn't want more being shared than health problems, rather than the actual conditions. It was pre-GDPR, but even so, you shouldn't be a gossip as a manager.

Many years ago, I was going through some personal stuff, and I wasn't comfortable talking to my direct line manager, but I spoke to his manager instead (which was rather more human.) I said I didn't know how I was going to feel about the things happening, how it would affect me. He said he wouldn't know, either, but if I had a day I felt I really couldn't manage work, to let him know, and he woukd sort it with my manager and HR. I think just knowing I had that support made things feel more manageable and less trapped by having to be in the office no matter what - which made it easier to be there.

One of my current team just forwarded me a copy of a letter from the hospital- as he said, it was easier than him trying to explain it.

We have lots of support available, and some is available with no manager input, e.g. the EAP. But there are things that it's easier to get support for and manage if the manager knows about it.

If you're just being snappy and miserable, but aren't telling anyone what's going on, a good manager will probably take you aside and enquire. But if you don't tell them, then it's more likely to be a path towards a performance improvement plan instead.

Mere1 · 29/05/2026 20:39

user897787 · 29/05/2026 08:45

If your going through something in your personal life that starts affecting you at work do you tell your manager?
I have something going on that is probably affecting me at work I feel like I am being a bit snappy and finding it difficult to concentrate.
I am a private person and don't chat about myself at work so opening up is quite a big deal for me.

No one is more private than my husband. When his father died his manager had to know as he had time off work and a day for the funeral. He told the manager he wanted no one to speak to him about this. I assume the manager told the team this. They respected his wishes and he could just deal with work as best he could for a time.

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