I don't know how to stop caring what others think?

[ProudAzureSquid]

How do you become more detached and stop caring so much about what people might say about you behind your back at university? I’m in my mid twenties and struggle with this a lot. It’s like I want everyone to like me even though I know logically that’s impossible. 😖

It’s starting to affect my life badly. I end up avoiding uni, isolating myself, and just bedrotting because I become so anxious about how I’m perceived. I think one of the hardest parts is feeling misunderstood all the time. Like if I learn from a friend that someone talked badly about me, I'd overthink this a lot and become anxious.

I’d really appreciate hearing perspectives from people who have gone through something similar and managed to move past it.

Sorry you feel this way OP. I don’t know if this will help but I never worried about what others thought. I concentrated on my course and the career I intended to get out of it. It costs far too much to de-docs from your overall goal. Can you list your goals and career aims and focus on them?

You need to get your thinking more casual, colourful towards yourself. Learn to laugh at yourself....find goofy friends ...

if it is very bad, there is a person called Dr Caroline Leaf, she has a book about how we can restructure a mental stronghold for 63 days

Can you contact your university's student support service to ask for help and support e.g. counselling? I think about whether I'll care about what they think in year or ten years or forty years. It does help.

I have a few mantras I say which help, over the years I’ve got better at it.
1- the people who matter don’t care, the people who care don’t matter
2-am I doing my best? If yes, great. That’s all I can do.
3- just do the next right thing. One day at a time. One step at a time.

also, exercise. Move more and go outside more. Start small and build up. Eg have a cup of tea outside once a day, then build up to a stroll around then a couch to five k app

The volume of my critical self talk voice is significantly lower if I exercise, it’s really noticeable.

find something small to celebrate and be grateful for each day.

i highly recommend the book “why has no one told me this before” I’ll find a link, it massively helped me at uni and beyond.

im sorry things are hard. please hold onto that it will get easier and you won’t always feel this way.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0241529719/?bestFormat=true&k=why%20has%20nobody%20told%20me%20this%20before&ref_=nb_sb_ss_w_scx-ent-bk-ser_k0_1_15_de&crid=13QNFCGQ161BX&sprefix=why%20has%20nobody%20 It’s also an audio book which you could borrow from your local library via the borrowbox app once u have a library card. It’s a very gentle read and full of proper l science backed advice from a GP

Focus on your studies. If childish friends are talking behind your back just remember they will be a distant memory once you graduate.

Focus on getting your degree and maybe join some exercise classes or a gym to get you out and about without the pressure of dealing with these people

I felt the same way in my twenties, but looking back the worrying was at its highest point.
Good news!!!! It wears off!!
And very much so. It gets better every birthday.
Best thing about growing older, so hold on!

When I was at uni, I did not have time to even think about what other people thought !

Suggest

Keep busy

Study

Join some groups at your uni

Work part time

Exercise

Explore your local area, town, county

Spend time in nature, a park, pond, forest, garden, river

Find 1 to 3 things per day that you are grateful for

Find things that you enjoy doing

Try dong some new things

Enjoy your youth !

However, you need to make some changes yourself.
Start small

Your time at uni should be interesting, exciting, it is a huge opportunity for you, so make the most of every day

Good luck

i don't have any advice but i just wanted to let you know you're not alone. i could've written this post. i'm in uni too and i feel exactly like this, i cannot stop thinking about how everyone else is perceiving me and so i end up not leaving the house or hanging out with people because i'm terrified they might think something unkind about me. i just want everyone to like me, which then drives me crazy because i know not every single human i meet will like me. it's rubbish isn't it :( sending hugs and i hope we can both overcome this!! 💐

It’s a glib answer but I read a book called “Fuck It Therapy” and it made total sense to me; it changed my life.

Also age - when I hit my late 30s / 40s something definitely changed within me.

I would imagine most people struggle a bit with these kind of thoughts when they are young. But as life goes on you see what a waste of your precious energy it is to wait for other peoples approval. Because they are all similarly wrapped up in themselves!

I think it’s key to focus more on others tbh, get out of all that introspection. You are just one person in a massive world, of course everyone doesn’t think you’re amazing, and it would be a boring world if they did. Most people will be quite indifferent to us. Do you like everyone else? I’m sure there are people that are not your cup of tea, and that’s life. Definitely try not to let yourself bedrot, and get off your phone and social media. Both will make all of this worse.

I agree with this, the older I’ve got the more content, self assertive and outspoken I’ve become. I’ll stand up for myself and if someone says something to me or about me I will question that.

its good you’ve spoken to us but speaking to someone in real life would be good too. Student services should have a wellbeing team you could speak to, do you have friends to talk to or even family?

Awww OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Agree with the other commenters here. My 20's was full of crippling anxiety, but now 30's are absolutely wonderful. There's something about getting older, you really do stop worrying about what people think about you!

In the meantime, do you think you have social anxiety? It could be worthwhile to speak with a therapist to work out what the root cause is (usually it's childhood stuff). I had social anxiety due, in part, to growing up with an extremely judgemental family (but didn't even realise that so much at the time). EMDR was absolutely amazing at clearing out the root cause, although I don't know if it's possible to get EMDR on the NHS - if you might be able to afford private therapy, do have a look. Betterhelp also offers less expensive private therapy. Otherwise, speak with your university staff and your GP and ask for a referral to therapy. There are also lots of great apps to help with mental health, even self-guided EMDR (but if you've had thoughts of ending your life, EMDR should never be done without a professional guiding you because it can bring up some overwhelming-feeling memories in the moment).

Do reach out to people in real life who you might be able to trust with this, and at the same time, don't share it with people who aren't trustworthy to hold your feelings gently and with kindness, because that might make things worse if they have an unkind reaction. Do you have any people in real life you think would be safe to share how you're feeling with?

Sending you a big hug, and a promise that this way you're feeling is so much more common than you may realise and it really really does get so much better as you get older.

Have you read The Let Them Thoery? Definitely worth a listen/read. I'm mid 30s now but wish I read it long ago.

Or the tough love approach. Recognise that it’s pretty self-obsessed to approach every social encounter in terms of your possible effect on other people. Flip it and focus on enjoying yourself, and, crucially, on whether you like the other people. ‘Do I like these people?’ is a far healthier way to approach things.

I think its helpful to realise that you are being quite self obsessed and in fact other people are too - so they aren't thinking about you anywhere near as much as you think they are.

Thank you very much for your kind words. I do struggle with social anxiety, and while I can access therapy for free through my health insurance, the waiting times are very long. Since I’ll also be moving to another country for an exchange program soon, it doesn’t really make sense to sign up for it right now. I’ve tried talking to people in real life, but most of them just tell me not to overthink things in a dismissive way. The problem is that it’s really hard for me to simply switch my thoughts off.

i’m really sorry you experience this too, because it’s honestly draining:( but thank you for making me feel understood. sometimes i feel silly for overthinking so much, so hearing someone else put it into words so perfectly is comforting in a strange way. i hope uni and social situations get easier for both of us eventually 🤍

So....backstory..I was bullied badly as a kid. To the point of self harm and suicide attempts.

Not sure when but sometime after that first attempt, I sort of stopped caring. In a way I accepted I was an outsider and sort of just fully accepted that an no longer gave a shit.

Which was fine for many years

Until social media arrived 🫠😩 for context I keep a very low social media presence, always have done. I grew up in the early adoption of the the internet and try my best to keep my private life private.

However, recently since last year I've notoced a weird..shift in how people are reacting to me in public..I can't confirm or deny it as I so far have not found any actual source but I strongly suspect I may unbeknownst to me have been mentioned on social media. Again don't know the on text but have 100% seen a change in how people inlinluc are reacting and treating me which is...somewhat fucking horrible and confusing...

..anyway.. back to the pint. I don't know what's happening or why it's happening and for a long time it was affecting me very very badly. I was genuinely too scared to leave the house. Hell I didn't even celebrate my birthday last year Because of all of the perceived negative attention. BUT one thing I have come to realise is this:

These people, do not know me. If they think they know me it's because of some bollocks internet bullshit that isn't true. At the end of the day...there will always be people who think negatively about you and talk negatively about you even If the dont know you! But you know something? Their opinion, a stranger who does not know me, a stranger who believes random shit they read with no context...does their opinion actually in any way, shape or form, actually after to me?

No.

It doesn't .

Friends don't 'let you know that someone has been saying horrible things about you'. On the occasions when someone has reported to me a nasty thing someone else has said, I've demoted them as friends!

It comes down to 2 related things which are easy to sit here and type but very hard to achieve in real life: raise your self-esteem and choose better friends.

Set the bar high for friendships (as opposed to just acquaintances - be open and pleasant to everyone, of course - these relationships might develop). Focus on YOU - your studies, your health, your interests, and make friends slowly but securely. Make your values and boundaries subtly clear - eg, if you don't do drugs, just state that quietly but firmly, not so that you seem to be telling others how to live their lives - just confidently telling them who you are. Try to believe that it doesn't matter what they think of your boundaries - if they don't respect them, tough.

I think it's a matter of building your own self-esteem and respecting yourself...and that's going to help you make wise friendship choices. It might take time, but you've got LOADS of time.

Hi OP, thanks for your reply. I actually did most of my therapy via live videocall, as have lived abroad much of the time. Maybe see if your health insurance will cover live online therapy sessions? Betterhelp is also usually online. I know it's a big faff to get therapy set up and going, but maybe it will help.

Totally hear you about people in real life being dismissive, it can feel so much worse when you open up with people who are then dismissive :( have you had a think about anyone in real life who would be a "safe" person to talk to? How about parents/family members?

When you worry too much about what ‘THEY’ think.

stop and think who they is?

is it really that you’re worried that Sarah or felicity or Charles on your course are judging you - or is it the voices of the past - most likely your parents whose voice you are hearing and wanting their approval.

I would see if you can get some counselling or therapy - when you can and have processed your past - you may find it easier to live in the present.

also turn it around - how much time do you spend judging others - I bet you spend far more time admiring their fon’t care attitude or confidence - and that’s probably the same when people look at you. They are not judging and if they are they are probably not worth a lot.

hold your head high and be proud to be you and to do you - be your authentic self - but ask for some counselling as I really think this could unlock some confidence if you are prepared to work on your past a little first.

You need to get better friends. Real friends don’t share negative gossip about you, with you. They’d have stood up for you at the time. Sounds like you’re part of an unhealthy group of insular, immature drama-seekers.

You’d be far better off doing activities you enjoy and finding acquaintances there. Having lots of different situational acquaintances is healthy, as you have something in common without needing to be best friends and they’re not dependent on each other. Some will turn into real friendships.

Remember what you’re there to do. You’re gaining an education, your goal is completing the course and achieving your qualification not winning everyone’s approval. Giving other people the power to stop you doing that compromises your future.

I’d also be wary of people who pass on that other people are talking about you negatively. Your friends should be cheering you on, I’d wonder why the other person thought it was ok to speak about you badly to your friend and what your friends response was.

I pretty much live by “don’t take criticism from people you wouldn’t ask for advice”, their opinion of you is really none of their business.

This won’t help much but a lot of it is age. As you age you realise most people are just self obsessed and aren’t even thinking about you anyway!

stay busy, try to meet other people eg through a club etc