I don't know how to stop caring what others think?

[ProudAzureSquid]

How do you become more detached and stop caring so much about what people might say about you behind your back at university? I’m in my mid twenties and struggle with this a lot. It’s like I want everyone to like me even though I know logically that’s impossible. 😖

It’s starting to affect my life badly. I end up avoiding uni, isolating myself, and just bedrotting because I become so anxious about how I’m perceived. I think one of the hardest parts is feeling misunderstood all the time. Like if I learn from a friend that someone talked badly about me, I'd overthink this a lot and become anxious.

I’d really appreciate hearing perspectives from people who have gone through something similar and managed to move past it.

Reframe it as why would someone who calls themselves your friend tell you that information? And also, what did that so called friend do when they were listening to that happen? They are not a good friend, they are a shit stirrer who likes to light the blue touch paper and watch the drama unfold.

Also think about it this way, you won't like everyone you meet and sometimes you can't even put a finger on why you feel that way. People will feel this way about you too. You simply cannot be liked by everybody.

Try to surround yourself with positive people, who are the people who when you look back you go, I had a great morning or it is always fun and joyful when I spend time with that person. See those people more often.

As you are at uni Student Services or Student Support can be great. And remember, a lot of people at uni are just 18, never really been out into the world and are trying to find their identity and place. They are immature because they are so young, you are also young to me, I am in my early 50s with a child at uni. This so called friend may not even question why she is repeating what she heard unless she is asked the question, why would you tell me that? It can only be to hurt you.

Force yourself out of bed, getting outside is really good for mental health, it may feel like a massive effort but you can do this.

This friend actually defended me when people were speaking negatively about me behind my back, and I’m really grateful for that. But last year I was also friends with someone who talked badly about everyone, even her own friends, and being around that really got into my head. I became paranoid, and eventually she turned on me too, which was awful.

Yeah, I will try to make more acquaintances!

Oh I've never thought about online therapy sessions, are they as good as in-person sessions?

I've talked to my sister, yeah, but it has not helped. :(

The classic "I know you are I said you are but what am i?" has never failed me yet.

On a serious note wanting validation is a human thing. If you aren't getting it from other people you need to find a way to get it from yourself. Tell yourself all of the good things you've achieved, whether big or small. Tell yourself what you love about yourself and not what you dislike about yourself.

The best revenge you can take on people who talk about you, dismiss you, or don't believe you're capable is to prove them wrong. Make them eat their own words. Show them you're capable.

Assess whether their criticism is constructive and if it isn't mentally file it in the waste bin.

My mum always used to tell me people can only make you feel bad if you let them. Don't let them. Distance yourself from negativity, but don't feel like you have to shrink yourself or not take up space to avoid them. Fill the space up so eventually they will leave you alone.

Yes I found online therapy just as good as in-person therapy: I had one therapist for many years, and we it really felt no different seeing her in person compared with over videocall. One thing to bear in mind with therapy is that in can take a couple of tries to find the "right" therapist - as you sorta need to have similar values, but you'll notice if it's the right connection or not very quickly. Please do give it a try - it's literally a therapist's job to guide and help you, and they are trained in this stuff, I've found them really helpful for completely shifting my way of thinking about myself; whereas even the most well-meaning of friends/family members wouldn't spend hours and hours helping you to work out how to resolve this and build up your self-esteem.

Would it be helpful to have some therapy? Also, do you have any goals or dreams that you’d like to achieve? Working towards them might help you feel motivated and more confident.

I’ll also leave links to some articles below in case they might help:

https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2026/may/26/how-to-start-building-confidence

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/jan/09/how-to-learn-the-trick-of-confidence