AIBU to keep my distance from my difficult sister-in-law?

[TheotherMrsSmith]

Ive always had a tense relationship with my SIL and over the years a number of inappropriate things have been said to
me by her.

At the weekend we were visiting for a family event. We live around 5 hours away so my interactions with her are limited. Given what she has previously said, I don’t message her and don’t seek closeness with her.

So at the weekend was the first time I’d seen her in nearly 6 months at a family party. I was chatting to another family member who was commenting how DD (6) had had a growth spurt since Christmas. I said yes you probably notice it more than we do and then said DD compared to others in her class was one of the younger and smaller ones and some of the others were head and shoulders above. SIL then said very sharply that height wasn’t everything. The family member interjected and said to SIL that’s not what I has said. I then reiterated my comment. SIL then got up and walked away leaving myself and the other family member thinking what was all that about. 5 mins later SIL returns with my MIL hot on her heels coming directly over to
me telling me I needed to go and get a drink. I said I already had one and would get another one when I was ready. MIL insisted I needed to go inside with her.

Once inside she said I’m calling everybody in 1 by 1 to say that if SIL was not herself or quiet it was because she was under stress from her ex husband - this stress has been going on for over 6 years and we are all expected to walk on eggshells around her and I personally think the stress is used to allow rudeness. I said ok thank you for
letting me know but this had been going on for a number of years now and it never seemed to change. MIL acknowledged that. I for myself a drink and went back to the party.

I then later realised that I had been the only person called in for this chat - DH didn’t know about it.

For the remainder of the weekend, I kept my distance from SIL as she has form
for being unpredictable with me and saying things so I made sure I wasn’t alone with her.

It’s now obvious that when I pushed back on what she said, she didn’t like it. I’ve had her make inappropriate comments about my marriage to her brother, shouting at me when she gave me a tour of her house, morally policing what I say etc.

MIL has said we don’t know how to
communicate. I do
know how to
communicate respectfully and have never ever disrespected her in any way but she has me.

This visit I set this boundary and it was evident to all that I had done this as I did not seek her out for 1:1 etc. I cant go no contact and the above is a mild version of what has happened in the past. I think the rest of the family accommodate the eggshells but I find it mentally exhausting.

anybody else have a tricky relationship with SIL and how they’ve navigated things.

I loathe my sil.
I refuse to see her and won't attend her funeral.
Nasty,selfish manipulative lazy cow

I'd ignore SIL at family get-togethers and smile and nod at the flying monkeys.

I get having a difficult family member. It sounds like your MIL has been managing her relationship with other people for a while and sees it as her job. My only advice is keep her on an information diet so she has less to use against you and have very low expectations for how she will behave.

It’s not only your SIL that’s the problem by the sound of it- it’s every other person (like your MIL) who is feeding into this self obsessed narrative, insisting that people walk on eggshells around SIL. I’d stop socialising with them for a while and depending on how I felt I would tell them why.

I nod with bland facial expressions to everything my SIL directs at me, irregardless of how offensive it is. All I reply is "fair enough". I politely excuse myself from conversations as much as I can - she has started doing the same so we barely have to interact.

As long as I'm not directly confrontational the rest of my ILs are just glad the peace is being kept and they can pretend we all get along.

This, how are they around dd? Is she going to get told to pander to SIL as well?

DD is still young, but I don’t allow too much 1:1 as she confused DD by telling her she was her second mummy.

Is she my sil? I just avoid mine too.

Urg bollocks to that, not a chance for anyone contact! Creeepy!!

I’m the only one who thinks this too. I’ve been told I’ve blown it out of context.

Mine has main character syndrome and chucks a tantrum at every single family event. Everyone treads on eggshells around her, pil buzz around trying to keep her happy and I can never say a thing right lol. It’s bizarre

This sounds eerily similar!

I'd just avoid her as much as possible. But if she is confrontational then I would calmly put her straight. Just because everyone else pussyfoots around her, doesn't mean you have to!

You need to be very very clear to your husband that you will not tolerate any disloyalty from him.

His family sound a dose.
Humouring her and expecting you to do likewise.

Push back firmly.
Avoid her completely.
Do not allow her sole access to your children.

Tell your MIL that you will not be told how to behave.

The less you are around such toxicity the better.

She is as bad as she is because her family tolerate it.

You are not her family, and you do not have to tolerate it or be around it.

Haven’t spoken to my SiL for over twenty years and never will.
life is much easier and happier without her in it .

Fuck her. Rip her a new one, one on one when she next starts up, cheeky cow.

A side joy of my divorce was that I never had to deal with my obnoxious SIL ever again.

I can understand why her ex divorced her!

It is really difficult. Does your husband back you up/set and enforce boundaries?

One of mine has major MH issues that have not been treated. She never left home, terrifies DC and inserts herself into every interaction they have with their grandparents on that side to the point there is no relationship. She spouts clear nonsense about me. Unfortunately I also have a dH problem, but do not want to risk shared custody with such a toxic mess.

Well I’ve been told before I was in the scene she had a short inpatient admission at a psychiatric hospital. I think my husband just accepts her behaviour because he knows no different as he’s used to having to absorb it. I won’t go into it all, but she’s made some very personal remarks about me and my relationship (physical) with her brother. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he’s defended her because if her mental health.

Ah, so sorry. Similar to mine, now he has just reached full toxicity and will not protect me and DC and tries to constantly say we are in the wrong. It is probably really tough on her too and her family are doing her no favours by taking part in her games. My SIL is also really malicious and that is the point where I have lost sympathy.

She may be looking for a reaction. I basically use the grey rock technique with mine. There is usually an implosion over someone or something, that way I can't be drawn into it. Gutted DC are exposed to this dysfunctional mess, but shared custody could mean they have to face her alone.

Make sure you are well rested when you have to deal with her. Someone on here responded to an older post I made by telling me to write what you really think on the roof of your mouth with your tongue - surprisingly calming and at least avoids jaw tension when dealing with the situation. Someone said this above - be really careful to avoid her having any sole access to your DC. Mine and batsh*t MIL tried to play malicious games with my DC. I have never trusted or forgiven them.

So your husband is enmeshed with his toxic family.
Keep careful notes of any sexualised remarks she makes.
Document it with your GP as making you feel very uncomfortable.
This is not someone to have around your children.
Document with your GP her instability, your husbands inability to see it, and your concerns about her around your child.

Reduce to an absolute minimum any contact.

Yes, though (thankfully?) She's shown who she really is to the family and now looks like my Brother and her are divorcing. Family gatherings are now going to be soooo much better and i can relax!! I'd get comments when no one was around on my hair, body, how she's not like us and likes the finer things in life lol. My parents would say..she's doesn't mean it like that. She was like it to my kids as well - one had an eating disorder and we were trying to restore weight she'd always comment on her food, only boys can eat that much etc. She restricts her daughters food! Ugh. . She's had both my kids in tears. She totally ignored my youngest a few weeks ago and left her sitting alone. She cried for an hour afterwards saying how'd she luck out with such a horrible aunty. I'll be glad never seeing her again.

This is just it. They’ve adapted themselves around her and everybody else just seems to have to put up and shut up and not upset her.

Well I did react this time and stood my ground only to be summoned. Spoke to husband this evening about it and he said I’m making her the villain. I’m furious.

I feel for you OP.
My SIL has been a narcissist, toxic cow in the past. She once blew up at me in a restaurant as I’d given her her birthday present one day late.
She was truly awful and caused me a lot of upset.
Since her divorce she has mellowed out a lot but I haven’t forgotten those times.
She is now in a relationship with an abusive dick so we very rarely see her as she knows how we feel about him.
Christmas and the occasional birthday get together…it’s enough for me.
Good luck.