AIBU to keep my distance from my difficult sister-in-law?

[TheotherMrsSmith]

Ive always had a tense relationship with my SIL and over the years a number of inappropriate things have been said to
me by her.

At the weekend we were visiting for a family event. We live around 5 hours away so my interactions with her are limited. Given what she has previously said, I don’t message her and don’t seek closeness with her.

So at the weekend was the first time I’d seen her in nearly 6 months at a family party. I was chatting to another family member who was commenting how DD (6) had had a growth spurt since Christmas. I said yes you probably notice it more than we do and then said DD compared to others in her class was one of the younger and smaller ones and some of the others were head and shoulders above. SIL then said very sharply that height wasn’t everything. The family member interjected and said to SIL that’s not what I has said. I then reiterated my comment. SIL then got up and walked away leaving myself and the other family member thinking what was all that about. 5 mins later SIL returns with my MIL hot on her heels coming directly over to
me telling me I needed to go and get a drink. I said I already had one and would get another one when I was ready. MIL insisted I needed to go inside with her.

Once inside she said I’m calling everybody in 1 by 1 to say that if SIL was not herself or quiet it was because she was under stress from her ex husband - this stress has been going on for over 6 years and we are all expected to walk on eggshells around her and I personally think the stress is used to allow rudeness. I said ok thank you for
letting me know but this had been going on for a number of years now and it never seemed to change. MIL acknowledged that. I for myself a drink and went back to the party.

I then later realised that I had been the only person called in for this chat - DH didn’t know about it.

For the remainder of the weekend, I kept my distance from SIL as she has form
for being unpredictable with me and saying things so I made sure I wasn’t alone with her.

It’s now obvious that when I pushed back on what she said, she didn’t like it. I’ve had her make inappropriate comments about my marriage to her brother, shouting at me when she gave me a tour of her house, morally policing what I say etc.

MIL has said we don’t know how to
communicate. I do
know how to
communicate respectfully and have never ever disrespected her in any way but she has me.

This visit I set this boundary and it was evident to all that I had done this as I did not seek her out for 1:1 etc. I cant go no contact and the above is a mild version of what has happened in the past. I think the rest of the family accommodate the eggshells but I find it mentally exhausting.

anybody else have a tricky relationship with SIL and how they’ve navigated things.

How do you interact with her on those few occasions?

@TheotherMrsSmith
We’re actually friendly towards each other and me and DH have supported her re her relationship.
What I failed to mention is that she apologised for her bad behaviour when her Dad (my FIL) became seriously ill. I think his illness put things into perspective for her. I accepted her apology but, as I stated earlier, I haven’t forgotten how she was.
I have only brothers and would have loved to have had a better relationship with her but I think, with family, if things are civil (which they definitely are now) you’re winning!

From your posts, I can see you’re in the thick of all the toxicity.
Keep your distance and if you are put into a situation with her, go grey rock (as someone else suggested) and make sure DH has your back because you come first.

She sounds vile. They’re all accommodating it too with the eggshell walking and you don’t need to do that. Honestly, I feel for you, i fucking hate my SIL but thankfully haven’t seen her in 11 years now 🙌. Stand up for yourself and balls to what your MIL or husband thinks.

I hate my SIL. She causes drama in a empty room, won’t speak to her anymore as she accused me of stealing MILs money when I looked after MIL for a year when she couldn’t be arsed and kept making excuses. There was no money to steal, MIL was living on the breadline And I was the one forking out the money to keep MIL comfortable (and I had no access to it) but SIL would of known that if she bothered to take the time. Evil witch.

The last time we were in each others presence she moved her chair in the kitchen so it was nowhere near me but she was facing the wall? It looked absurd I just went wow!!!! And that was that. If I was absolutely forced to see her it would have to be GREY ROCK!! It’s a shame though, puts a downer on things but you can’t facilitate her being a twat.

Sounds like she has serious MH issues if she has had an inpatient stay at a psychiatric hospital. That’s why her family is walking on eggshells.
Just be polite and keep your distance as you clearly don’t seem to get on. And disregard what she says about you, she clearly has her own issues and you’re not going to solve them. Don’t let what she says upset you.

One of my SILs was horrible to me. We met rarely (lived in different countries) but when we did, I avoided her as far as possible and only uttered bland pleasantries around her. Even so, if she had a drink on a family occasion, wedding etc. she would overhear an innocuous comment and go ballistic, always at me. She developed early onset dementia and became very aimiable generally, which felt weird. She was a complex person and had all sorts of issues but masked them under a facade of cold resentment. When I heard of her death, I felt nothing other than sympathy for her immediate family.

Thanks everyone. It’s reassuring to know there are others who have similar relationships with their SILs.

We were looking back at some photos earlier and she even wore a body con dress to my daughters baptism knowing she’s taller and slender then me. Every family event she will ask what am I wearing. Ive stopped telling her now as she will always try and outdo me - it’s like she thinks everything is a competition.

Im just feeling quite triggered again after the party and it’s brought everything to the surface again.

Haven't spoken to my SIL & BIL for nearly 5 years. No intention to either (except for funerals and weddings).

My SIL is a judgemental pain in backside. You know that misogynistic slur, she is the stereotypical version. We had a massive falling out many years ago. She was rude and antagonistic towards my children, they were pre teen! I challenged her back, it ended up in a physical altercation between me and my brother. He is a foot taller than me and about 8 stone heavier! We didn't speak for years. My 'D' H made an olive branch and we met up and she started on him instead. That was in 2017. We have seen them once since. That went OK. We keep in low contact touch but I have no interest in meeting up any time soon. Ironically, she is the one that said she wanted closer ties, but every time has to push everyone's buttons!

I feel for you. My SIL was a bitch from hell (Rich divorcee, never worked, used to constantly flaunt her ex husband’s money to try to buy my kids affection and constantly tried to get them to say they liked her best when they loathed her and found her overbearing) She wore a long white see through dress to my wedding and got pissed and insulted my friends, she bitched about me constantly behind my back and was rude to my face (once physically shoved me out of a group shot at a family do in front of my kids saying it was “real family only”) and my husband never defended me and called me over sensitive. Needless to say I am now happily divorced and it would be hard to say which one of the toxic pair I’m more relieved to be shot of, her or my spineless ex!