How to address this with dh

[dollydog5]

Dh and I have fallen into a big rut. Parenting and working with no family support and no breaks. Trying to renovate a house and not even sleeping in the same bed due to his horrific snoring. Sex is once a month roughly due to barriers he puts up such as only being able to do it when the dc aren’t about or being too tired. He does have some health issues on that side too which is fair enough. We bicker, we do the whole competitive misery thing, there’s frustration and basically the daily grind has well, ground us down.

I realise this paints quite a bleak picture but there is still a lot of love between us. We work as a team, we do our fair share each and I do still love him. I had a bit of an epiphany recently where I realised I want to try and improve things but if I try to talk to him about it he’ll sort of sigh and say ‘what are you talking about we’re fine’. If I try to suggest a suitable time for more sex he will ‘see how he feels’ and the lack of enthusiasm for that is quite crushing. If he snaps at me as has become normal with us I’m trying very hard to just walk away and not bite back like I normally would or say something like ‘please don’t talk to me like that.’ Despite trying, I don’t think things are any better. I went over to give him a cuddle tonight and looked disinterested so I just walked off and he accused me of being childish.

I don’t want a row with him but I do want to say something that might make him think a bit. Along the lines of ‘there will come a time when I will be done with the way you speak to me and this lack of intimacy and rut we’ve fallen into and when that time comes I hope you will realise that I have tried to improve things and you haven’t.’

I wonder if any wise MNers could give me some more tips on addressing this not in a confrontational way or a big serious discussion but something that might make him stop in his tracks and think.

I think counselling could help. Have you talked about this together?

The way you’ve worded it there sounds perfect tbh. I would definitely point out that you’re not happy with things as they are, even if he is. And that if and when the time comes to split up he’d better not act all
blindsided and say it came out of nowhere, because you’ve been asking him to address things for a while and he’s not interested. Even put a timeline on it and say you’re giving it 6 months where you’ll continue to try and improve things from your end, but if it’s not reciprocated then you’ll file for divorce.

Read Secure Love by Julie Mennano re relationships similar to yours. Also Esther Perrel podcasts
on confronting issues without blame

I’d sit him down and tell him just what you’ve said there.

I literally second this if you can get him to try. It saved my marriage

On a very practical level get one of these pillows for him WENGX Neck Luxury Memory Foam Pillow,Ergonomic Bed Head Pillow for Sleeping Neck and Shoulder Pain Relief,Orthopedic Cervical Pillow for Side, Stomach and Back Sleepers (White) https://amzn.eu/d/06UF2hLX or something similar. If he decides not to try it then he’s not trying is he?

I'd show not tell at this point.

Build your own life. If he misses being a part of it he will pull his socks up. If he doesn't, we'll, there's you're answer and at least you'll be happier

I don't expect anyone to like my system and you might think it's daft, but I'll share it in case it gives some ideas.

You are enlightened, because you have noticed a problem and want to change things. He hasn't noticed. So I explain what I want to my husband.

Example, an argument might happen, and I will then add something like,

I love you DH, and even though we're arguing, I want you to know that.

Or, at some other point I will say, I really need a cuddle, because I love you and I think it will help me feel better. Have you got two minutes for that?

It might not help you but I just thought I'd share.

“there will come a time when I will be done with the way you speak to me and this lack of intimacy and rut we’ve fallen into”

• this bit is sort of OK, although it does sound a bit blamey - could you add “and i really don’t want that to happen”

”when that time comes I hope you will realise that I have tried to improve things and you haven’t.”

• this bit is very “and it will be your fault”. Pretty hostile, at a time when you want to pull things back together again.

You are focussing very hard on getting what you want (intimacy, cuddles) but unless you can understand why you’re not getting these that’s not going to work. What in your marriage makes him unhappy? What can be done about that?

He needs to be checked for sleep apnea. How long since he's had a full physical? It might be time for one to address health and sexual issues seriously.

Ask him to go marital therapy with you. Tell him you're unhappy and that needs to be addressed.

How long married? How old are kids?

Regarding snoring, could it be sleep apnea?

Also, not sharing a bedroom doesn't mean sex has to be off the table. If he has medical issues that could be resolved this could help both of you enjoy more intimate time together.

Wow you have your plates full with a young family and no support plus trying to renovate a house. The lack of intimacy is a natural result of having too much to do, I think it just bothers him less than it bothers you.

I don’t think he is happy with the way things are either. The horrific snoring could well be sleep apnea which means his sleep is not at all restful and he will be extremely fatigued. No one wants sex when they are bone tired. He should get a sleep test to see if he has sleep apnea.

Is there anyway too that you guys can outsource some of the renovations or housework or childcare? Rekindling intimacy will take two things- both need to be rested with good sleep and have less busy days where you can reconnect on a level that then creates the desire for sex.

Counselling would be good because then you can communicate with each other in a separate space with a mediator that can help you understand each other’s perspective.

Thank you for all of the comments it’s really appreciated. I have encouraged him to go to the doctors about his snoring, he says he will but it hasn’t materialised yet. I genuinely cannot sleep next to him and it’s got to the point where sleeping apart has become the norm. Again, he isn’t bothered about this in fact I think he quite likes it whereas for me it’s not what I want my marriage to look like. This is a running theme across the board. I don’t expect fireworks and passion and do understand that we are limited by our circumstances but his day to day attitude towards me just feels so indifferent.

I think it would be better to say that you aren't happy with the way things are between you and that you need things to improve. Its not about confrontation - you need to be able to speak openly in a relationship or what is the point? You can't pussyfoot around for the sake of his feelings - that is living your life for someone else's benefit

OP honestly it sounds like the beginning of The Script and his head has been turned... sorry

Tell him to stop taking you for granted, stop dismissing you whenever you try and bring up an issue and to sort out his fckn health, because you are closer to being done with this than he realises, and that it won't be for lack of you trying!
Love doesn't tend to disappear because of a big event. Love dies by the drip drip drip of not being listened to

Your marriage sounds exactly like mine was several years ago. The good news is that our marriage has improved enormously.

I can’t overstate too much how exhaustion was impacting my marriage. We both snore, to be honest! DH snoring wasn’t sleeping well himself. Ditto me. We both got slightly better sleep when I was in the spare room but I hated it. He simply seemed to no longer want or need sex and I felt so hurt.

What changed for us: we needed the spare room for a home office! So I had to move back in. He joined the gym and lost weight.

I also made a massive effort to channel my inner “southern wife” - so when he was grumpy I wouldn’t snap, I’d say, “you seem out of sorts, anything you want to talk about?” To which the answer was always no, so I’d say “well okay, I’ve just made coffee and there’s some homemade poppy seed muffins I got up to bake at 5am - shall we take ten minutes to stop and enjoy it?”

I was basically as nice as I could possibly be. Like, implausibly lovely. I made sure the house was tidy (dh is a neat freak), and I’d do jobs he knows I hate doing without being asked. I cooked his favourite meals and made sure he felt appreciated for all the little things he does.

It made a massive difference and we are now back on an even keel, I’m no longer a stepford wife, and we are happy again.

Blame, attack, accusation and threat will never work. Start with “I feel very distant from you these days, what can WE do to try to address this”….

I second this approach. My ExH flatly refused to even consider the idea of counselling even suggested it was because my friend has done it I was copying. My situation very similar to yours not improving and him saying 'we're fine' and not even listening, when I finally realised he was too complacent and did nothing to save the marriage, I ended it after many years (I might add). I did point out that the signs were there on my part. maybe a nudge to suggest that all is not well I hope will salvage your marriage.

He needs to address the snoring that will be a huge problem.Is he fit and otherwise healthy with normal BMI.You are doing all you can please spell it out so he realises what is at stake.Good luck

Seriously? Did you read OPs post?
Read all the other great advice you have been given @dollydog5 and act on that.

I think I'd just sit down when you do have some free time and say something along the lines of what you did above. That you're not happy. He might think the relationship is OK, but you don't, and if one of you isn't happy then the relationship might not work out long term. And acknowledge that he is happy with the physical and emotional distance between you, and ask how he sees the future of the relationship if that continues. Is he really happy snapping back and forth, not sleeping together and never having sex indefinitely

And also allow him to express his opinion without biting his head off! A lot of what you've written sounds pretty normal in most marriages, it will never to 100% sunshine and flowers especially with children, tiredness and renovating a house.

Out of curiosity @Belinnda what did your DH do to improve your marriage? Did he put in the same level of effort as you did?

I mean, this is just awful.

Op, please don't pander to your husband till he comes round.