AIBU to expect my 17-year-old to get dressed and walk the dog with a meltdown?

[Jimmycooper]

To tell teen DD to get out of PJs and take dog for a walk in the good weather?

We’ve had yet another screaming match where she has lashed out with ‘i’ve no friends etc etc etc’

It feels like any time I ask her to do anything or suggest she does anything other than sit in her room , its armageddon and full on tantrums.

I’m absolutely sick of this. She’s 17 and it should not result in a screaming match when it’s suggested she get out of bed.

I know posters will say she’s 17 let her do what she wants - I do and she stays in bed , mopes and gets angry when anyone tries to engage with her.

It’s fucking exhausting. Yes she is neuro diverse, I’ve had years of this and I’d love to know when I can expect the house not to be a battlefield

I dont think so - not everyone wants to be out in the sun, particularly the neurodiverse

I voted YABU because it's too hot to walk dogs

Why come on to a post where someone is looking for advice and then weigh in like this.
What do you get out of that.

I explained it was relatively cool at the relevant time and place (down to 19 at walk time) but still you try and derail and make it about a dog who is loved and very well cared for.

I’m at a loss as to why you would even post on this thread, like what kind of satisfaction do you get. Utterly bizarre

I suspect there is some PDA in there.

We had a discussion the previous week around things that make her feel better and worse about herself and she mentioned that getting up, getting dressed and getting out for a coffee / walk really helps her feel good - as I think it does many of us.

The challenge is that she will rarely do what’s good for her and what she knows is good for her. Despite help offered, she really isn’t getting to grips that it’s medication AND strategies that will help her.

On the friends issue, yes it’s a problem and a worry. She has friends but no one close and I feel she hasn’t probably found her tribe yet. I’m trying to support her on that and I think that working on her self esteem will do that.

The more she lies in bed scrolling, the more she thinks of herself as someone who just lies in bed scrolling. ND or not, that’s good for no one

I agree, it’s very relevant. ADHD, dyspraxia but i suspect an element of AuDHD and PDA.

I find that when I do try the convincing, discussion etc etc she simply doesn’t follow through. She would, if left, lie in the bed in her PJs scrolling for days on end.

So I can ignore that, which I sometimes do, or I can take her out myself by offering something she likes to do (coffee, shops etc), which I also do.

But there is very little she will do without some sort of cajoling/ prodding and after 17 years I am simply exhausted. Maybe it’s my exhaustion with it all that I have to work on.

This is not about the dog walking.

One thing that works with my (no longer teenage dc) is to say "can you do x in the next hour please" and walk away, dont wait for answer. Just call "thanks" as you walk down the stairs etc

so, not a do it now. I know you didnt say "do it now" but the teenage brain heard "do it now"

i wasn’t the only person commenting about the dog. The fact remains the same you shouldn’t be walking the dog while it’s hot outside.

in the other side of it. My friend has an autistic son who is 25 so a tad older. He doesn’t have any friends either just family a sibling etc and what she does is she takes him out with her
she encourages him to go and stay at his nans so Nan takes him out, she takes him shopping for his own things and she takes him to different places like away or to different shopping places etc. Is this something you do or could try if you encourage her to get out can’t you do something nice I don’t know take her shopping build the confidence let her pick something nice to wear and then take her out somewhere even for a coffee/hot chocolate? Build on that and then slowly encourage lone dog walks on a cool enough day 😂😂

I’m what world is the response to a teen not walking the dog “well if they didn’t choose to get a dog why should they walk it” I despair. What happened to everyone playing their part in family life and supporting it collectively.

Agree. It actually worries me how little some mumsnetters expect from their almost adult/adult children!

This is kind of how I feel - ND or not, teens should expect to contribute to the home in some way

A lot of people with ND struggle with instant demands and changes in routine - if you want her to walk the dog its best to tell her well in advance so she knows what’s coming.

Ah, the difficulty of doing what we know is good for us, but feels really hard. A problem I know well.

I think if she's identified that a walk helps her feel better the question is not "aibu for trying to get her to do it" but "what's the best way to help her in the moment?"

I think it's a really positive sign that she can identify something which makes her feel better. I wonder if she might also know what sort of help she'd find most useful? If not, maybe a book or support group for neurodivergent kids and their families might be able to make some suggestions.

Is she getting NHS or other help? Is it something she could talk over with them?

Does she find body doubling helpful? There are quite a few body doubling apps nowadays. Dubbi is one set up by neurodivergent folk. Flown is another, more for freelance workers but according to a friend who uses it most users are neurodivergent.

Are you getting any support either from friends/family or NHS? I saw your reply to a pp below your one to me which said how exhausted you were. It does sound exhausting having to cajole her to do anything. I'm guessing that might affect how well you can help her, as well as your own wellbeing?