AIBU to expect my 17-year-old to get dressed and walk the dog with a meltdown?

[Jimmycooper]

To tell teen DD to get out of PJs and take dog for a walk in the good weather?

We’ve had yet another screaming match where she has lashed out with ‘i’ve no friends etc etc etc’

It feels like any time I ask her to do anything or suggest she does anything other than sit in her room , its armageddon and full on tantrums.

I’m absolutely sick of this. She’s 17 and it should not result in a screaming match when it’s suggested she get out of bed.

I know posters will say she’s 17 let her do what she wants - I do and she stays in bed , mopes and gets angry when anyone tries to engage with her.

It’s fucking exhausting. Yes she is neuro diverse, I’ve had years of this and I’d love to know when I can expect the house not to be a battlefield

I think the issue she has no friends is more of an issue than her lack of dog walking.

Whose dog is it? Did she have any say in what dog you got? If she had no say she has no responsibility

Is there a word missing from your thread title-should it be without a meltdown?!

But yes, I think that’s a reasonable request

It's only partly about the heat and the dog tbf @Jimmycooper

"It feels like any time I ask her to do anything or suggest she does anything other than sit in her room , its armageddon and full on tantrums.
I’m absolutely sick of this.

Why is the fact that she's sitting in her room (her safe space) in her pj's so upsetting for you?

Your daughter is neurodiverse, she does not process the way you do, if you need immediate action to your suggestions, that will not work for her, so try not to get upset/frustrated.

As, when our children are small, we as parents, find strategies to encourage, it's the same for your neurodiverse daughter.

There really is no need for your home to become a warzone @Jimmycooper

Are you for real? So a 17 year old can lie in bed all day and anyone who doesn’t agree is micromanaging? Who do you expect to pay for food in this senario? Dear god, no wonder we’re in such a mess.

Don’t “tell” her. You’re the one starting the battles.

My DD is exactly like this, but only 14 (she is also ND). I don't think trying to force her and causing arguments and shouting are helping her in the slightest, probably quite the opposite. Also its surely your dog?

YANBU to want her to get up and do something
YABU to keep "telling" her to do things when it clearly doesn't work and ends up in an argument.

Obviously it's not ideal that she just stays in bed. Do you know why she is doing this? Is she depressed? Suffering from anxiety? Burnt out? Exhausted by trying to fit in with a "normal" circadian rhythm so goes to bed whenever possible?

Is she keeping up with her schoolwork?

Does she ever help around the house - in a way which is age and neurodivergence appropriate?

Does she have PDA?

Would she respond differently if you asked her rather than told her?

Could you find a non conflict filled moment to have a chat to her and explore what's going on?

This attitude is why young people are entering the workforce with no resilience and an entitled attitude. Awful parenting.

Awful parenting?!

Its over 30 degrees 💐

I knew there would be dog walking comments! The OP may possibly live somewhere like I do where it was 21C earlier when I took the dog out, and was very pleasant. The dog went swimming and was fine.
To answer the actual question no it’s not unreasonable to expect a 17 year old to do chores /walk the dog.
What would happen if you told her what you needed her to do that day but leave it up to her when to do it? Obviously not ideal when it’s a dog walk but could be clean the bathroom sometime today

YANBU. It’s not easy is it?

MY 17yr old ND DS has already broken up for the summer holidays and so we’ve got 14 weeks of trying to motivate him. 🤯

Luckily, he’s not overly stroppy but it is a struggle getting him to go outside at all as he’s terrified of insects and bugs. It’s definitely a phobia and I think he needs hypnosis to cure him.

He’s currently gone to a friends house and won’t be back till Thursday evening and hopefully, he’ll be fairly chilled when he returns.

IT’S NOT BAKING HOT HERE!!!

DH took the dog out this morning when it was about 17° and it’s probably early 20’s now. I’m sat in my sunroom with the French door open but the windows are still closed and it’s lovely lolling on the sofa in here.

Why did she need to? Is she more sensitive to hot weather because she’s neurodiverse?
I get it feels exhausting to have a meltdown over everything but you need to pick your battles.

She’s neurodiverse - so, what, she’s autistic? Combined with adolescent hormones that’s a very unpleasant combination for her. She’s probably utterly overwhelmed with life.

Being ND doesn’t give her a free pass to be rude, but the meltdowns are happening because she’s so overwhelmed. She can’t help them. You need to start doing some research on neurodiversity asap OP, and
I’d get this thread moved out of AIBU and into SEN if I were you, where you will actually find loads of support for you and for your daughter, unlike the bellowing “Make her get up and walk the dog regardless of how absolutely horrendous she’s feeling” cries you’ll get on here.

Your daughter is crying out for help and you can’t just dismiss her ND. It is so so relevant here.

Ah phew, I can now see some less awful responses above mine on page 2. I was beginning to think that I’d wandered into a twilight zone where ND teenagers were expected to show absolutely no signs of their disabilities at all …

it is really tough OP, hence my suggestion of trying the SEN boards

A 17 year old should not be paying for their keep.
That's for the parents to provide.

20°C here, too. Can you come to an agreement that she will do the evening walks from now on? Our DD3, who is 16, takes our dog out at about 8-8.30 p.m. It needs discussing when everyone is calmer, obviously.

I think it’s fine to ask a 17yo to help with house chores and dog walking.

My (ND) teen has done this since she was 13yo.

Does she go to college? Have a PT job?

Id stop financially supporting her if she’s being argumentative and lazy.

My DS is 18 and autistic. He will not go out in the heat as he hates the feeling. No way I’m making him. Leave her alone. Her life is already difficult without you coming down hard on her.

Let her go in PJs, the world won't end

becomes quite apparent you don’t give a fuck about the dog 😅

Not to mention, it's entirely possible to post not at the exact time something is happening!

Is she in education? My DS is the same age and has been doing A-Level mocks the last couple of weeks, he's not ND but it has worn him out. If she is on half term after a difficult couple of months at college, now is not the time to be pushing this, let her rest and recover.
As for the house being a battleground, that's on you. You don't have to argue with a teen, it is not effective. Especially with an ND one.

I can't be doing with arguing with my 16 year old anymore. It's exhausting..so I control her tiktok and internet access. It doesn't get unlocked until she does what's required. It caused more arguments initially, but now she knows I'm not backing down, she's a lot more reasonable

21 degrees according to the OP. Perfectly lovely weather for a walk.