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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my DP's family to check

50 replies

justageek · 22/06/2008 20:13

that its okay to fly up to see us BEFORE telling us they have booked the tickets already?! And also am i being unreasonable to expect my DP to check with me, if they do ask him first?!

I am a bit wound up as today SIL phoned and told DP that her and partner are flying up at the end of august. now dont get me wrong, i like SIL she is lovely and her partner. She is even going to be staying in a B&B which takes the pressure off a bit...

But...the fact remains she is up for the weekend only and will no doubt want to make the most of seeing her neices, PLUS its her birthday on the saturday so no doubt that will involve everyone but me going out to the pub to get pissed (i will be eight months gone) sour grapes

not only that, but that week is my eldests very first week at preschool, and i was hoping to keep the weekend calm after having such a busy week.

I just feel a bit put upon to be honest and a bit, erm...ignored? Would have been nice for someone to say to me, oh is it okay, instead of now thinking of what a hectic week then weekend i will have, when at 8 months gone i will probably just want to go to bed!

OP posts:

Twiglett · 22/06/2008 20:17

yabu

daffodill6 · 22/06/2008 20:18

Understand you may feel wound up ... maybe they just want to see you and realise that after the birth will not be a good time.. for a few months maybe..
They could be thinking ...we really want to see everybody and probably before the birth is better? It sounds like you live a long way apart?

Twinkie1 · 22/06/2008 20:19

YABU

OverMyDeadBody · 22/06/2008 20:19

um, yabu

They are family, it's not till the end of august, and they aren't staying with you.

OverMyDeadBody · 22/06/2008 20:20

would you have said no if they'd asked?

harleyd · 22/06/2008 20:20

yabu

Zippidy · 22/06/2008 20:26

Think it can be easy to feel railroaded at times by dh's family, especially if you are used to being in control most of the time!

Think yabu as they probably feel they have given you plenty of notice and are staying in a B & B - but just because on paper yabu doesn't mean emotionally you are, iyswim!

(I have very,er, forthright in-laws !)

themildmanneredjanitor · 22/06/2008 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nametaken · 22/06/2008 20:29

yabu - if they are staying in a B&B how does that inconvenience you?

Twelvelegs · 22/06/2008 20:29

This is more about dp than SIL, right? You seem to be using your eldest starting preschool too, she will not be knackered after a few mornings at school and even if she is it will be Friday afternoon only.
If this really is about your dp then he should have asked you (having already said yes!!) although what could he ask? If his sister was allowed to stay in a B&B and see your children who she really wants to visit?? I would ask him to book lunch and not pub for a birthday treat as it' just the four of you and you can't drink! Or arrange a day out.

Original poster

justageek · 22/06/2008 20:43

yes okay i am being unreasonable, like i say i like his sis.

Not using my DD starting preschool though, for her, i am using it for me, i will be having to drag myself a mile to preschool and a mile back twice a day with her younger sister in buggy and pregnancy bump all week, i have the sneaking suspiscion i will be knackard after being used to being sat on my arse a lot, not on good form and spoil it for everyone grumping around

The staying in the B&B thing? they will still be coming to the house in the day and so i will feel i have to make it spotless as always, when guests are about! Its a pride thing and not wanting reports to MIL that our house is slummy!

If she had asked or dp had asked i would have actually said, can you please come the following week or the week before if possible, because that week may not be the best for me, sorry to be selfish! (DP did just fly down and saw her end of may too so its not like he hasnt seen her for ages)

I cant understand why they arent coming later in the year...when i have had DS1 to be blunt as well.

But i am tired, half mad pregnant woman of two toddlers so i highly suspected i was being unreasonable!

OP posts:

HereWeGoRoundTheMulberryBag · 22/06/2008 20:44

Message withdrawn

constancereader · 22/06/2008 20:47

Isn't it polite to ask if it is ok to visit? I do not think you are being at all unreasonable. Especially given that you will be eight months pg.

Original poster

justageek · 22/06/2008 20:48

i think some may be thinking i hate DPs family but i dont honestly, i get on well with all of them, its nothing more than i would expect my own family to do honest...and what i would do before booking tickets!

OP posts:

Twelvelegs · 22/06/2008 20:52

Right lady, you use this to your advantage.... dp tidies and helps, dp cooks dinner or buys take away and dp hosts his sister and BIL. If you get on with her call her in advance and explain how knackered you are so please forgive if I'm tired, can't stay up late, take five minutes to get up from a seated position, cry at a dog tied up outside a shop, scream at my children, feel like a whale, can only walk for three and a half minutes, can't stand the smell of bacon or whatever. There's nothing that works better in this house than DH getting his own way with a little guilt and sometimes a pregnancy induced tear or two. I can see only good things!!!

Original poster

justageek · 22/06/2008 20:54

put it that way...i might start looking forward to them coming up! I think thats at the heart of the matter, i will feel DP is just doing his usual work in the week, whilst i am ferrying children back and forth and becoming the hostess with the mostess (and suspecting i will fail miserably and show myself up!)

OP posts:

Twelvelegs · 22/06/2008 20:59

You have much working on with dp, be wise and be strong. Many generations have passed this manipulation tactic to me, I share it with you my fellow pregnant woman. [speaks in non discript oriental accent and bows head]

Original poster

justageek · 22/06/2008 21:00

[bows head] thank you wise one, a plan of action i will make...

(seems a bit star warsy instead of oriental, so...may the force be with me, and you!)

OP posts:

GirlySquare · 22/06/2008 21:25

(Putting Yoda head on) You are being unreasonable not. With the wisdom of twelvelegs I agree. Of dh manipulation become proficient in the traditional art. And b**r the in-laws, your family prioritise! Herh herh herh.

DirtySexyMummy · 22/06/2008 21:33

Are you joking?

Your SIL and her DP have decided to take a trip. They are coming to the city you live in, and therefore she will want to see her brother and nieces.

What makes you think its anything to do with you?! when I go to visit my siblings, TBH I don't really 'check' with their partners.

JeremyVile · 22/06/2008 21:36

Yanbu.

If you plan to visit someone, you call first to check they have no prior arrangements.
You just do.

DirtySexyMummy · 22/06/2008 21:39

People can go anywhere they want, since when did they need to seek permission?!

Seems to me the SIL and her partner have decided to go away for the weekend for her birthday. They have decided to go to where her brother and family live. They have not even asked to stay.

Where is the problem?!

JeremyVile · 22/06/2008 21:45

They're not just going on a trip that happens to be where OP lives.
She has said they will be with them during the days.
They are coming to visit. (they're just not sleeping under the same roof).

Rowlers · 22/06/2008 21:46

YANBU
Agree check first
You say something like "We would love to come and see you and wondered if you were free on the blah blah bah."
My BIL / SIL phone up and tell us when they are visiting. I do like their company and it is always nice to see them but I do find it rude of them not to ASK if we are free.

FruitfulOfFruit · 22/06/2008 21:47

Well they need to ask permission if they want to visit. Even if it is just during the day, surely?

I guess it depends how they will feel if you said you would be away that weekend. Or if you say sorry, you're already busy all weekend and won't be able to see them.

If they don't mind that, then they didn't need to check with you, they're just having their holiday and popping in to see you by the way.

If they do mind, then yes, they should have checked.

If you don't arrange with someone first then you run the risk of them not being available. And it does sound as if the OP is expected to be available, without having been consulted.

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