AIBU to refuse a holiday with in-laws

[SummerJemny]

My MIL recently turned 80, and for the big day they had a big celebration with family in a hotel(3 course meal) and has recently gone on holiday with FIL for all inclusive week abroad. We're a bit strapped for cash at mo as I have taken a career break to look after our 2 young kids under 2. My SIL paid for their holiday, while BIL gave them 1000 pounds spending money. I thought this was really extravagant, but on hearing about these gestures my DH offered to pay for the 3 course meal for extended family as his gift. I thought this was far too much given our financial circumstances but said nothing. He then said he popped over with an envelope of spending money for their holiday too(again said nothing, but we have been relying on my credit card while we go on our own holiday ). He recently told me his MIL has now announced that for ANOTHER bday celebration she would like my DH and his siblings, all their partners and children to go away for at least 3 nights together next month somewhere in the country. We are just back from our own weeks holiday, broke, exhausted and I really think she is just using her birthday as an excuse to get another holiday that she wants as FIL refuses to go anywhere else. I find my SIL to be very toxic and my children dont really get on with hers- there is an age gap and they tend to be quite mean to my two! Also with 2 small boys under two I do not like group holidays-our hols revolve around their sleep and meal times and my in-laws dont get that, it has caused tension before(passive aggressive comments about leaving dinners early to get them home to bed). I already know if we say we can't afford it, MIL will insist on paying, something im not comfortable with as I find its quite controlling. If there wasn't already a family celebration I would consider(relunctantly) but this all feels too much and I am already dreading it. Am I unreasonable to refuse to go? DH can already sense Im not thrilled.

You are married to a twat.
I wouldn't go.
I wouldn't want to me married to that idiot.
Get back to work.

Are your in-laws hard up? or your SIL/BIL very wealthy? Are the siblings in line for a big inheritance? All seems a bit OTT even for a big birthday. And your DH sounds like he feels pressure to keep up. All a bit unnecessary. It's not a competition, but sadly some family see it that way.

Set a boundary and stick to it. If DH wants to go - let him - he can even take the children but it will not be a holiday of any kind for you and you’ve already done enough to celebrate your MiL.

Would decline the event for yourself and the DC and decline any offer to pay. To the in laws would say it’s for ‘personal reasons’.

To DH say it’s because you don’t want to incur the costs due to the high cost of his recent, unilateral decisions. Wouldn’t mention all the other things in your list.

Unfortunately with an H who behaves like this being a SAHM for any longer is unwise and risky. It’s not a privilege to SAH with an H who behaves like this.

If you’re on career break from an employer would end it and return to a job with them. If you’re not would seek a job.

I so agree with this. Polite lies just dont work. People always know theyre not getting the truth and it enflames the situation. State the truth calmly and clearly and then move on, dont allow yourself to be drawn into a debate about it. Your inlaws sound enormously selfish and greedy.

I think the issue is you are used to earning and feel inadequate/lost confidence from not earning. Does DH give the same vibes? If so, you need to change mindset. When you have a family, his money is family money, you shouldn't have to beg. 2.5 yrs is not a lot. 7 years or until the kids can walk to school is normal. I recommend part-time as a way to boost your confidence and feel less dependent.

I think it's fine to put your foot down though, maybe DH can go without you. It's already too much for the kids surely. You've already been and done your duty, doing it again is crazy. I'd go mad seeing in laws more than once or twice a year!

You say your DH isn't financially abusive, then say you don't have any say in how money is spent? That sounds controlling to me.
With regards to the holiday be very firm with DH you are not going. He can go if he wants, you can't really stop him but you don't have to and you don't have to let the kids go. I'd just tell your in laws it's too much disruption to your children's routine, they can't really argue with that.
However I do think you have a bigger problem with your DH. Why isn't all money shared? Why is it just up to him what you spend money on? You may not be earning but you are caring for young children. If your DH can't see how controlling he is I'd go back to work

If I were you with 2 kids under two, quite frankly I’d tell my husband to go on his own and say he’ll have more fun. I’d feign a bit of illness and stay happily at home for the 3 nights with my feet up, bottle of wine and a film on TV. Tell him by the time you’ve packed everything you would need, worry about the money it would cost for these 3 days it’s simply not worth the effort or stress but you’re sure his Mother would love to have him there to herself!