AIBU to refuse a holiday with in-laws

[SummerJemny]

My MIL recently turned 80, and for the big day they had a big celebration with family in a hotel(3 course meal) and has recently gone on holiday with FIL for all inclusive week abroad. We're a bit strapped for cash at mo as I have taken a career break to look after our 2 young kids under 2. My SIL paid for their holiday, while BIL gave them 1000 pounds spending money. I thought this was really extravagant, but on hearing about these gestures my DH offered to pay for the 3 course meal for extended family as his gift. I thought this was far too much given our financial circumstances but said nothing. He then said he popped over with an envelope of spending money for their holiday too(again said nothing, but we have been relying on my credit card while we go on our own holiday ). He recently told me his MIL has now announced that for ANOTHER bday celebration she would like my DH and his siblings, all their partners and children to go away for at least 3 nights together next month somewhere in the country. We are just back from our own weeks holiday, broke, exhausted and I really think she is just using her birthday as an excuse to get another holiday that she wants as FIL refuses to go anywhere else. I find my SIL to be very toxic and my children dont really get on with hers- there is an age gap and they tend to be quite mean to my two! Also with 2 small boys under two I do not like group holidays-our hols revolve around their sleep and meal times and my in-laws dont get that, it has caused tension before(passive aggressive comments about leaving dinners early to get them home to bed). I already know if we say we can't afford it, MIL will insist on paying, something im not comfortable with as I find its quite controlling. If there wasn't already a family celebration I would consider(relunctantly) but this all feels too much and I am already dreading it. Am I unreasonable to refuse to go? DH can already sense Im not thrilled.

i find it quite unusual that your DH paid for a meal and provided an envelope of spending money before consulting with you, when you have stated you cannot even afford your own holiday and are relying on your Credit Card for that. What is his view of your financial situation currently - where did he suddenly find this cash?

I thought you were going to say she was offering a holiday and sounding fancy it and I was going to say suck it up but YANBU!

This is kind of wild.
Your DH unilaterally spending the money (a 3 course meal for 12 + people is generally about £1k with drinks and service.

The absolute MOST i would do is let DH go and this years family holiday would be cancelled. Just stay at home and do a few days trips.

If a single word was uttered about the holiday in my presence about it I'd loudly announce youve already given mil £xxx for her birthday and cannot afford another £Y as this equates to Z% of your annual take home and you cannot do it without going into further debt and have 2 small children to think of."

This all occurred a month before our own holiday, so his contribution to the birthday plus paying bills for home improvements a month ago left us short for our own holiday-he got paid during our hols so we are fine again-we used my c card at the start to tie us over and have since cleared it. He makes quite a lot of money hence why I could take time off but last month we have a bad month where house projects need to be cleared(still working on our new build from last year). I suppose the fact that Im not earning makes me feel I dont have a say on these extravagant gifts. Its awkward. For this case, the money isn't my main issue-its feeling push into a holiday that won't be enjoyable and is unnecessary!

Honestly I think you have a bigger problem with DH making big financial decisions like that without you. We got my ILs a takeaway the other night (birthday and a milestone in one's illness/treatment) and my DH checked with me before offering.

I'd say we can't afford it right now but have a great time

Agree but this is the thing-i haven't brought home a paycheque since having my first baby 2.5 years ago. I mond the kids-he pays all the bills. I feel privileged and the kids have thrived, but his pay cheque can vary massively month to month(he earns a lot of bonuses) and I feel I dont have the same say on money because literally couldnt tell you what the take home is each month. He is not controlling with it and he have separate personal accounts and 1 joint account. The joint account is left to me for groceries kids clothes etc. Its a pain not having financial independence but I was willing to sacrifice it to be ther full time for the kids. When these situations come up its awkward because I feel I dont have a say and he is succumbing to the pressure.

This is all why it s bad idea to give up all financial independence.

Have you spoken to him about it, OP?

Sounds like the main thing you need is more financial transparency, then you know whether you can afford these gifts or not

I didn’t earn a salary for the best part of 15 years. That didn’t mean that I had no say in how money was spent! It’s now 2026, can we not recognise that a woman’s unpaid labour, in the home is at least as valuable as the blokes work outside the home?

The free childcare you provide saves ££££
You aren't a sponger...

Completely agree! And this is the kind of home I grew up in, my mother took 4 years off work but she still controlled the finances! His family are very different-separate accounts and all that. I agree with advice I think we need a blunt conversation about finances, only last week on holiday he said this would be our last trip for a while, need to save for a car and finish off the garden. We both agreed hence why I feel shocked about the MIL holiday suggestion! There is such pressure from inlaws and he always succumbs to it, it has caused many a row between us.

2.5 years ago? But they're both under 2?

Anyway. Do you not decide finacial decisions together?

What grown couple take "spending" money from their kids?

The joing account is left to you for groceries and kids clothes, so basically a 1950s marriage?

You aren't earning, but your raising his 2 kids.

Say you don't want to go on a holiday paid for by other people and whilst your at it, tell him you also don't want to pay for other people's holidays.

On reading your updates OP I think it’s perfectly fine to decline such an invitation, but suggest you do it truthfully. Your original post points (in a few places) to financial difficulties / short of money but your update now says that was temporary and he got paid and everything’s fine now. I’d suggest you don’t use affordability as the reason to decline because it would be untrue based on the updates. Instead tell the truth - which appears to be that you like your kids to stay in their routine and that doesn’t align to adult celebrations and dinners and they don’t get on with your SIL kids who are mean to them (which is frankly odd given their ages and I’d expect your DH to get off his arse and put a stop to any such meanness immediately).

Just say no it doesn't work for us and stick to.it. Why should you go on holiday with people you don't like just cos they are family.
Why do people find it hard to stick up to their families.

This isn't about the money tho', is it? It's about sibling rivalry and you not feeling accepted by your DH's family. Tell your DH how you feel.

A few things jumped out at me, the fact your DH spends such sums of money without discussing it with you and I guess that's because he is the breadwinner so he feels he can spend as he wants. I don't agree with that approach because a SAHM is also contributing and in a respectful and loving relationship both of you should discuss and agree first before he makes such commitments.

Secondly there seems to be some sibling rivalry going on where he is trying to keep up with his brothers when it comes to spending money on and pleasing his parents. That's a weird dynamic especially when you're both right for money.

Third using credit card while going on vacation, a vacation is a nice to have not an essential and if you're struggling for money you shouldn't be going on vacation. I saw your update that you had already planned the vacation before he committed the money so I guess that's on him but I wokld have looked at alternatives rather than using a credit card on vacation but it's what it is now.

Fourth you are not unreasonable for not wanting to go on vacation with his parents and family, I wouldn't as well because of of the reasons you gave and also the finances.

The fact you need to ask this suggests you have a "this is my money" type relationship which is wrong. My advice will be to take a stand and tell him you don't want to go and for MIL don't use money because as you said she will offer to pay, say you can't go on vacation because you just got back and need to settle down and that's it. She can get angry all she wants that's on her, but unfortunately the bigger issue here is your DH, will he back you or will he go behind your back and commit you to the holiday to pease his mother???

Another piece it advice, start working on a plan to have your own earning power, unfortunately in situations like this you have limited control and will find yourself going along with your DH.

I agree @SummerJemny that your husband has behaved appalling by giving your MiL all that money without discussing it with you first, but trying to see it from his 80 year old mother's point of view, she could die at any time, and all she is asking for is her family's company for 3 nights.

I know there was a family meal, but you can't really connect and have quality time with anyone, whilst sitting around a large table, in a restaurant. Your MiL could live to be, say, 93, and it would be very unreasonable if she continues to want family to holiday with her every year, but I doubt that she would actually be up to that anyway.

You have said that you can't afford the three nights away anyway, but you also said that you have been fine again since your husband got paid. However, if you really can't afford to pay for those 3 nights, and your MiL is kind enough to offer to pay for her son, and his wife, and her Grandchildren's mini-break, then please accept for your husband's sake, if not his Mum's. I don't see how her wanting to help her children have - what she probably expects would be - a nice few days away for them, as her being controlling?

Don’t go. She’s had her birthday celebrations. Expecting you all to go away when she’s had a nice meal out and a holiday is completely over the top.

I agree with the comments on here. It's all just too much. How many celebrations can someone have ?
I think it's perfectly reasonable to say sorry everyone we aren't going to be able to come on that holiday but have a great time.
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I can’t imagine my parents or in-laws accepting money from us, it’s difficult enough to get them to accept a token Christmas gift!

I can’t imagine ever feeling obliged to go on holiday with parents or PIL. It must be awful to have so little control over your own life.

God, don't do it!! 😱

Who on earth gives £1000 in cash to their parents as a present.

YANBU. You have 2 under 2 ! No further explanation needed.

To echo others your dh should not be making unilateral decisions without consulting you. Of course you can’t afford another trip but If your mil offered to pay for the weekend I don’t see how you can say that’s controlling.