Wedding help

[itrezcbmko]

My DP and I are getting married. Neither of us want a wedding with professional photography, a sit down meal, speeches etc. DP I think woukd prefer to run off and do it quietly but I want some style of celebration.

It’s been suggested that we go away somewhere with just family. We have quite small families. However, we rarely see my aunt, uncle and cousins despite the claims that we’re close (I see them on Christmas Day, my nieces’ birthdays and otherwise sporadically). If I’m being honest I don’t really like them that much. However, I have close friends, as does DP. I think there nine friends plus their partners I would want to invite, plus whoever DP wanted. But then I couldn’t invite the friends without my family (not without really hurting them, which I wouldn’t want to do).

So now it’s a wedding for 50 people or so, and then when it’s at those numbers, it becomes an insult to the other friends who I know very well and really like, because they haven’t been not invited to a small wedding, but now quite a big one, and it all starts to get out of control.

I’m looking for ideas. What can we do to maintain it being casual and small and informal? I do want some sort of celebrations and do want my friends there.

Go off and get married with immediate family and hold a party for everyone after?

Why can't you invite the friends rather than distant family? Sometimes friends are the most important people in our lives. Just have whoever you want at your wedding.

It’s not distant family, it is my parents’ siblings and they would be extremely hurt not to be invited.

Get married just you two at the registry office, have a celebration at a pub or similar in the evening. Have a band or DJ, put some money behind the bar and have some casual buffet food a bit later on. Invite everyone (the fifty or more) - it isn't the size of the wedding that makes it formal or 'a big deal' it's the vibe. A few hours at a pub, with music and drinks will feel like a proper celebration and give you time to mingle with your friends. Maybe have a cake if you want to make it feel more 'weddingy'

We did think about this. This would be our parents, three siblings, and six nieces/nephews. It would be fine I suppose, but I’d like my friends there.

Elope and then have a party

We had a very small wedding, parents and siblings (11 in total) about 20 friends turned up at the register office to watch the actual ceremony. They all went back to their days, and we carried on with our celebrations.

This might be the way to do it. My other thought was to get married away from home and invite people and stress there is no problem if they cannot come. That might naturally remove people and make it a celebration for the people we would really value being there.

I don’t want to elope. I want my immediate family and close friends there. But I think it’s going to be too hard.

@itrezcbmko You either do tiny wedding and a party on a different day or you really are going to have to accept small won’t be possible. You keep listing who you are upsetting!

My DD is getting married and we have not invited any relatives. Don’t see them so not obliged. Plus my sisters are not interested so DD has some of her finances relatives coming and 160 are friends. But this is to the celebration party. It is up to you who you invite but why not just have siblings and parents to the actual ceremony? We know a number of people who have done that. Then have a casual party in a pub to celebrate - a week later? Invite wiser family and friends. My DDs big bash is 2 weeks later. Then you get the intimate ceremony and a separate celebration.

Registry office wedding late in the day and then rent a room somewhere nearby for party. Have music and buffet but no formal sit down meal. I think its the formal sit down meal that makes it more of a big wedding than numbers per se. And a buffet is more informal.

Also, I think it's perfectly acceptable if you want to do the registry office not just you two, to invite the people you genuinely want there and have your 'obligation invites' (Aka the aunts, uncles and any partners you aren't bothered by) to the 'main celebration' if it's questioned you can just say that the registry office is an 'intimate affair with limited numbers' - they don't need to know if that means just your parents and siblings, or includes a wider friendship group. As long as the obligation invitees get to go to some part of the day they should be satisfied.

Thanks. I hope DD’s wedding goes really well.

My issue with just the immediate family is that it would be my father and his mother, our three siblings and six young children. Our siblings and parents would be busy entertaining and parenting the children. We love the kids dearly but wouldn’t really be a wedding celebration.

Ideally I’d like to book a large house or two, invite our immediate family and closest friends and have a weekend away to get married and celebrate.

We got married with just the 2 witnesses , spent the rest of the day with them doing an activity then a meal in the evening .

My mum is dead so I didn't have a parent on my side and Dh mum lives too far away and is not well so had no family at the wedding .

Aunts and uncles / cousins are a Christmas card only so didn't invite them . We had a lovely day.

The point is , it's your day so have the wedding you want , with the people you want to share it with .

Can you book the last ceremony of the day in the bigger registry room, so 4pm ISH.

Then hire a room, hall, cricket club (somewhere less formal) and have a buffet style tea (using caterers). Or hire a restaurant - be easier if it's mid week.

Thern there's no need for speeches and formal bits of you don't want them.

Decide the bits that matter to you and work from there.

Have you looked at youth hostels? I went to a big house in peak District over a couple of days which was YHA. It was brilliant.

Beautiful old building but a really relaxed vibe. They got married with just family first night and had everyone else for a big party and breakfast. Best wedding I've been to.

@itrezcbmko So are the dc the issue? It’s really difficult with young dc who need attention. They either stay with another relative who’s not invited or they come. Most people leave dc with the “other” grandparent. Surely this can be arranged for a relatively short day? Party - you might have to accept they come. It appears my DD has friends who are delighted to come minus their dc. They want a grown up weekend and neither are dc invited. This appears to be embraced by the parents! Would other grandparents or aunts help out?

The kids will 100% be both at the wedding and celebration. We absolutely adore them. We absolutely want them there, but we want adults (our friends) to celebrate with too.

Currently looking at AirB&Bs with 10+ rooms.

Thank you! DP worries that this turns into the big wedding he would hate.

It was separate (connected) rooms so there were people playing pool, people dancing, some sat on the lawn.

It was a very fun party but no speeches or formal parts. Ultimately if you have 50 people it will be a reasonably sized party.

Edited to say oops you replied to my other comment and i didn't read it properly. I do sympathise with not wanting the speeches etc. we didn't but we had under 20 and booked all the rooms in a small family hotel with restaurant.

Thank you. If we got to 50 it would have to increase twice over because it would mean so many more friends who were quite close to and like would ‘have’ to be invited. I wouldn’t mind having a big ceremony then a party in a pub or similar venue, but DP really doesn’t want a big event. He hates attention. But he’s also got loads of friends.

It is becoming a bit of a nightmare!

@itrezcbmko Not sure there’s an answer here. There’s been various suggestions but nothing works. Every option is wrong.

Maybe you need to separate the wedding and the party then?

Just have immediate family for the ceremony and friends later?

The middle ground is the hardest to achieve. If you keep it to parents and siblings, no one feels left out. But once you get to spreading it out to some, you have to invite others.

Which bits does your husband want? There's a lot about what he doesn't want (not a criticism, I was similar) but does he want his parents to see him get married for example?

Do a small wedding either with just immediate family of even just two witnesses then do a big party later on with everyone. I ha da covid wedding, we were only allowed two witnesses in the registry office and it was all properly social distanced. so as not to look like we were favouring one family over the other we chose two friends to be our witnesses then we had big party in 2023 when all restrictions were lifted.

Destination wedding? We went to a reasonably priced, 4 hourly flight, family friendly resort. We booked our wedding and put an informal invite to those that wanted to join us. Our wedding for my DH and I was absolutely perfect. Wed a 7pm on the beach with the most beautiful sunset, followed by a bbq and free bar with 52 of my nearest and dearest.

It was epic and I wouldn’t change one single thing.