AIBU for going on a month-long business trip?

[NimbleAmberPoet]

Started a new job in January as an executive assistant to a Chinese businessman who’s based mostly in the UK but also works in Hong Kong and mainland China. I’m due to leave on 1 June for a month-long work trip split between Hong Kong and the mainland. I’ve never travelled that far before and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited. Everything’s being paid for and it’s all extremely luxurious, which honestly still feels a bit surreal to me. I’ve got a husband and an 8-year-old son. DH is struggling a bit with the idea of me being away for that long. Partly jealousy I think, partly anxiety about managing at home alone, even though both sets of grandparents are nearby and very keen to help. I’m not asking whether I should go, that decision’s already made. Just wondering if I’m unreasonable for being genuinely excited about it rather than guilty.

I doubt a man would feel guilty in your shoes! It’s not like you’re leaving him with multiple toddlers. He’ll be fine.

No man would be worrying about feeling guilty for being excited!
It’s a great opportunity and I’m glad you can make the most of it. Don't let his jealousy bring you down.

I wouldn’t be thrilled to be in sole charge of my child for a month either. There’s no reason to feel guilty, obviously, but if this is going to be a regular feature of this job, it’s probably something to talk through.

If you have to work, you have to work. But I think leaving your DH to solo parent for a month is a big ask and I'm not surprised he isn't delighted, it will be hard work.

It's understandable you're excited, but surely that needs to be tempered by an understanding of the negative impact the trip will have on your family?

There’s not much point feeling guilty presumably you knew this was likely when you took the job. It’s a long time to be from home so your husband isn’t being unreasonable to be a bit phased.

Just wondering if I’m unreasonable for being genuinely excited about it rather than guilty.
Why so black and white? Aren't most big things like that a mixture of both? I went on a work trip for 10 days this year for the third time and did feel guilty especially when my 8 year old was crying about me leaving but was excited too and massively enjoyed it. DH did absolutely everything to make me not feel guilty but I couldn't help it a little bit.

It's fine not to feel guilty at all but a bit odd to compartmentalise your emotions so cleanly.

No reason to be guilty at all. It’s part of your work and an amazing opportunity. Enjoy! It is only a month. I can’t believe the comments about it being hard for the parent at home. It is one child and help from grandparents. Ignore the nonsense (which I suspect would not be the response if you were a man).

Really? You don't think any dad's would feel guilty and worried about leaving their family for a month? I know my husband would.

He'd still go, as should you, but feeling how you feel is totally normal.

I agree with this.

I also don’t think that “no man would feel guilty” is great - surely it’s not a good thing that a man might leave for a month with no even slight twinge of guilt for leaving his wife to do everything?
(I’m also not sure it’s true anyway, my DH would feel guilty).

I think I would be excited while also aware of, and a bit guilty about, the effect on DH - he’d need more flexibility from his boss in order to do both pick up and drop off for example (normally we split these). He wouldn’t be able to go to the gym in the evening (and neither would I if he went away). That sort of thing. I’d still go, and he’d be fine with it. But I wouldn’t be leaving without any guilt at all.

I don't understand why you are asking the question OP.

You have made your decision . You are comfortable with leaving your DH and your DS for this length of time.

Your DS and your DH are entitled to have their own views on this.

I don't see the point in feeling guilty but kindness for the family you are leaving behind should surely make you curb your excitement. This may be a great experience for you but not so much for them so a bit of consideration for their feelings would surely be in order.

A month is a long time but once you’re back things will go back to normal quickly. You’ll have a wonderful time - I’ve travelled to China with work and it was amazing. So I think the excitement is warranted. Understand your DH perspective but he’ll get through it.
Leave room in your suitcase for presents!

Sometimes solo parenting is actually easier as you just make your own decisions

many women find it easier than when the kids dad is around.

Loads of people work away for a lot longer than a month.

The time for this to have been a problem was before you accepted the job, as I assume you both discussed it at that point and agreed that this was the right job for you.

One 8 year old to look after during school term should be easy for 4 working weeks. He will probably find he has people falling all over him telling him what a great dad he is and offering their help.

Have an amazing trip.

I know that it's a work trip, not a holiday but I think that a month is a very long time to leave a child. I would say the same thing to a man.

What is there to feel guilty or worried about?

She’s leaving him with one 8yo and with two sets of grandparents available for support if he needs it. It’s not like he’s being left with multiple children or no support

That’s a long time to leave DC for and it’s a long time to solo parent. I wouldn’t feel guilty because surely you knew about the travel when you took the job and mutually agreed with DH that it would be doable for your family (I really hope so anyway). And fine that you’re excited but I would temper that with the reality that it will also be really hard work for DH and DC may get upset because they miss you and DH will have to handle that too.

And man vs woman doesn’t really come into it. If you both work and equally parent your DC it’s hard for the other when one of you is away.

My DH wouldn’t like to have left us for a month, so the attitude that no man would feel guilty etc is incorrect.

Is this going to be a regular occurrence? Had that been discussed before accepting a job. I would have expected DH to do that if his work patterns would change with a new job.

Had you discussed with DH how childcare arrangements would work whilst you were away, not just assumed he would find a way round it.

This is a case of double standards.

DH and I both used to travel for work - although only once for as long as your trip.

If DH was travelling, noone batted an eyelid. As soon as it was me travelling "who is going to look after the kids?" got asked frequently.

Yes, its an exciting opportunity. Yes, it will likely have some low points for DH and DS. There will probably be sone low points for you too! And im sure everyone will miss each other. But wiw, what an opportunity for you!

It sounds like this might not be a one off. Figure out how you can make it work for everyone.

People seem to forget that, for some of us, the best opportunities we have for career development (which also put more money in the bank to provide better lives for our kids) involve extended periods away from home.

Is it ideal? No.

Is it worth it to give your kids a better life and for job safety and security? Yes.

YANBU and anyone who thinks otherwise is living in some bizarre bubble where this reality ceases to exist.

You shouldn’t feel guilty, but to be honest I’m surprised you’re excited. I can’t think of anything worse than a month long work trip, being at the beck and call of my boss, and not being able to see my family or friends. I think all tired mums like the idea of a break, maybe a few days away on their own or with friends. But a whole month, with work colleagues - no way!

I would expect my partner to be able to look after our child fine although would absolutely appreciate that it would probably be a difficult month work-wise for him depending on what childcare set up you have around school- we share drop offs for example and neither of us can travel into our office when we're doing the drop off because of the distance of our commutes.

I would feel very guilty about leaving my kids for that long though and know they'd really miss me and be very upset about it. That isn't necessarily a reason not to do it and doesn't mean I wouldn't also enjoy it, but there would be a lot of guilt there about that which I don't think is misplaced.

Presumably, these long work trips were factored in to the discussions you and your DH had when you took the job? I’m sure that practically, he will manage fine. But I can understand his feelings: unless you’re a saint, it would be hard to be the one left at home managing housework, childcare and the daily routine while your partner is on a luxurious work trip. I think anyone would struggle a bit, man or woman. And a month is a long time in an eight year old’s life as well: I’d be excited but would also feel guilty for leaving my DC.

Of course be excited, but perhaps have some empathy for your family as well?

It would be too long for me, I broke up with ex as he started working on the rigs. I didn’t want that life, for me or future children.

Loads of people do it though, so I don’t think my view is the majority.

Men leave women all the time for work, so why is this any different, unless you think a man is incapable of looking after their own child for a month?

You're NBU at all. My DH went on multiple business trips (although none a month long) when our DC were little. I'd be hugely excited if I were you!