AIBU for going on a month-long business trip?

[NimbleAmberPoet]

Started a new job in January as an executive assistant to a Chinese businessman who’s based mostly in the UK but also works in Hong Kong and mainland China. I’m due to leave on 1 June for a month-long work trip split between Hong Kong and the mainland. I’ve never travelled that far before and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited. Everything’s being paid for and it’s all extremely luxurious, which honestly still feels a bit surreal to me. I’ve got a husband and an 8-year-old son. DH is struggling a bit with the idea of me being away for that long. Partly jealousy I think, partly anxiety about managing at home alone, even though both sets of grandparents are nearby and very keen to help. I’m not asking whether I should go, that decision’s already made. Just wondering if I’m unreasonable for being genuinely excited about it rather than guilty.

I'm glad most of the responses are positive, i was expecting damnation! 🤣 Huge opportunity for you, you're not wrong to be excited. You're showing your DS that mum can have a career too. Have a wonderful time, be prepared for missing them both at times, and them to miss you. As I say to my DC, it's actually lovely to miss each other because it means you have someone at home that cares about you and vice versa. A month isn't long in the grand scheme of things. Enjoy!

@Lucyccfc68 and those men should understand the negative impact it can have on their partner and family life.

When I first started dating my now DH, he was transferred to another office about 3 hours on train away from where I lived. As it was early days in the relationship (and in fact was on the cards when we started dating) I had to accept it. Saw each other at weekends. We would frequently see families with young children (sometimes in PJs) collecting or saying goodbye to usually a dad on the train station on Friday/Sunday nights. We vowed if we had a family we wouldn’t do that so after a few years DH moved back to our original town. Slowed his career slightly but he wouldn’t have given up his time with DC, and he is now in the senior role he was aiming for.

My husband had a job that required a lot of travel and he felt very guilty about leaving me to work and care for the children. He would turn down weekends away with friends as he already left me so much (I would insist he’d go to some of them as he needs down time too).

I don’t think it’s fair to say that men wouldn’t think twice. He changed job as he felt he was missing out on family life too much and wanted to be home with us.

The post I responded to wasn’t about working away in general. The poster made a specific point about her leaving her DH to look after 1 child for a month. The insinuation was that it was unfair to leave a poor bloke to look after a child for a month.

Of course not. I only went on one business trip for a couple of days and loved every minute of peace and luxury!

The only thing that would concern me would be the length of time and missing the dc, but these days we at least have video calling which will make it easier. As others have said, men wouldn’t think twice about it.

Why is it a big ask? I genuinely don’t understand this? My dh worked away for months at a time when the dc were little. Providing OP does 50% of the house work and child care when she’s at home, I’m not seeing the issue.

Both me and DH travel regularly for work but we have an agreement that 2 weeks is the maximum we will agree to. Neither of us like being away any longer and it is hard on the person at home.
I realise you probably don’t have any choice of control over the dates but I think you do need to acknowledge that a month is a long time!

DH goes away on business a lot. When I get photos of him in a karaoke bar in the Philippines or enjoying live music in Nashville, and he's travelling first or business, I don't feel at all sorry for him and I don't want him to feel guilty, at all.

My DH worked abroad for 20 weeks in a similar country then 6 weeks in a Caribbean country and a European country for 5 weeks.

We discussed it before he took the job but I wouldn't have stopped him even though he wouldn't have went if I didn't want him to. Because the opportunity for him to visit two of those places at that time in our life was low and I thought it would be a great experience for him.

We had three children aged 2 to 10 and I worked. It was fine, I managed solo parenting but did really miss him. Yanbu.

As it turned out, he came back far far better at his job than when he left, due to the skills he learned and his business has soared. So we all have benefitted as a family due to the huge increase in income.

It's always been fairly normal in our lives. My dad went away with the Navy for long periods, leaving my 24-y-o mum with two small children. FiL did the same, with the Army, but not usually for as long. BIL racked up thousands of airmiles on business trips around the world.

Your family will cope, but definitely yes to bringing home some lovely presents!

I’d be excited too, sounds like an amazing opportunity

Either one of us being away for a significant length of time means lots of things become far more complicated. We WFH/flexible hours so both of us can share covering school runs in different days, DC have different activities at the same time that require two adults to get them there. One of us being there means only one person to finish cleaning up the kitchen and everything else after bedtime rather than splitting the jobs so everyone's evening can start earlier.

It's all doable but it is unarguably harder. Unless your partner does fuck all and you are used to carrying the entire house all the time then them being away will be temporarily tricker.

We both hugely appreciate what the other does to allow us both to travel for work and leisure.

Honestly I’d be pretty unhappy if dh suddenly got a new job that then needed him to be away for a month. It’s not something I signed up for when we married and had children.

A weekend or a week is different to a month.

Not because I wouldn’t cope but because he would just be opting out of family life for an entire month.

Knowing the type of person I am I’d probably enjoy him being away however as then I can just run my ship how I want which would then cause issues when he was back.

I’ve read online before that a lot of women (since it’s normally men working away) actually don’t like when their husbands return as it messes everything up and then count down the days till they leave again 😅

If the person going away is involved with school runs etc and the other person doesn’t have flexible job that fact alone would have a major impact with a partner being away for a month.

Tell him that there are hundreds of thousands of people who go away for a lot longer than a month, my DH has to go away for up to 6 months. It’s a shame he can’t suck it up and be excited for you. Obviously I would say to be gracious and grateful because you couldn’t do it without his support due to having a child, but equally when my DH goes away I understand it’s part of the job and am excited for him when it’s something interesting (sadly, it’s not always interesting!)

This happens to many regularly, maybe not the month long, but if you are working far overseas or out on rigs, you cannot just nip back to see the family. I have worked with many who were away all week, week in week out for years. Or sometimes longer periods. Men and women. I have done some stints myself (not as long or far, but sometimes 3 nights a week for 6 months). As others have said, you would not have taken the job without considering this might happen. As a first time, your OH may be viewing it with trepidation or borderline jealousy, and I think that is fair enough. I think being excited in your head is great. I think voicing it, is less acceptable. I missed my family when I was away, but used to "put it out of my head", we needed the money. I did not phone them much either. I also did not really enter into the "the other world of being away" either, as often there is one in some cases. Have a great trip, see how you go, but yeah, for you it is all new and potentially very enjoyable, for OH, the daily grind but with less help and companionship. x

He probably doesn't think the trip sounds very businessy

Meanwhile, in the real world, some jobs include regular travel as part of the package. I used to be on the road 2-3 weeks a month, though usually back for weekends. Everybody coped and we made the most of family time when I was home.

My DH has a job that involves travel but he would never agree to go away for a month. So it’s not true to say that men wouldn’t give it a second thought.

Personally I don’t find work travel exciting at all. It’s a slog. I wouldn’t be bouncing around with excitement in front of DH and your DC as that seems a bit insensitive. My kids would have been upset if I was excited to leave them. I used to go away for a week for work including international trips but I didn’t carry on about hotels and new destinations. I definitely mentioned gifts however.

I think it depends on how frequently she is expected to go on such trips given her boss spends time in both the UK and HK.

As a former management consultant who had to travel frequently to client offices I will say the travel starts with excitement but it wears off after a while and actually becomes stressful. If it's 1 month travel once or twice a year not to bad but if it's more frequent then that's a lot of time to be away from your family when you have a young child.

Either way she has made the decision already and taken the job so enjoy it and make the most of it, I don't see why she needs to seek input from mumsnet to tell her to feel guilty or not.

When either DH or I travel its disruptive because we can't do our normal hybrid work pattern around school and activities. And DH does all the cooking normally so of course it sucks for me. I don't see how it wouldn't be disruptive unless the working away partner doesn't do much at home in the first place.

You're not unreasonable to be excited, but I think a month's business trip is too long for any married parent, male or female. It puts an awful lot on the shoulders of the other parent, and the child will wonder where on earth you've gone. He won't understand why you chose to leave him for so long.

Just as an aside re. safety, are you sure that this job and this trip is legit? I can't help being a bit concerned that Mr. Big wants a female assistant along for all that time. I do hope nothing untoward will be expected of you. Am feeling suspicious. "Oh, I need you for a month all to myself. And it will be so luxurious, my leetle one." You know? Just sounds a bit like a spider spinning a web. Most companies run business trips on a relative shoestring these days.

Just be careful.

DH has spent a significant amount of time away at times up to 50% but he wouldn't have done a straight month away.
It is a long stretch at once for DH to pick up. Not impossible but still a fair ask.

Considering you have a young child, I think a month is a long time to go for a business trip. (I know people in the army get deployed for longer.).

I agree with this.
A month away from my children sounds like a nightmare to me.