Mum has new boyfriend, lost interest in kids

[SqueakyPuffskein]

NC, just wanted a discussion on this. I don't want or have kids (broody hormone absent) but I find it interesting from a biological POV.

Single mum adores kid -> exciting new man appears -> maternal care hormones go poof -> kid is now annoying little pest, in the way -> neglect, abuse, abandonment, murder.

There have been countless examples of this phenomenon in the news, threads on here, and I've known a few cases in real life (my own mum was one, dumped me on other relatives so she could move away chasing men. It was much better than living with her, thankfully).

I'm curious if there's a name for it, or any research done? If not, why not? I know it's taboo to think about mothers not adoring their children, or that 'magical bond' disappearing and things turning sour. But it does happen and we need to understand how, and how to intervene effectively before harm is done.

Do you think there's any way to get the maternal love back, after the whirlwind romance has calmed/ended? That's what I find most chilling: once the hormones have faded, they never seem to return later. But I'd be interested to hear anyone's stories of mothers 'coming out the other side' and caring about their kids again.

Oh, and before anyone says "why focus on mothers? what about dads who abandon kids" - yes I know loads do, they're shits.

But the powerful maternal care hormone (whatever it is in humans; prolactin is the one that makes birds care for chicks) is exclusive to mothers, I think. Giving birth sometimes triggers it immediately; other times it appears later after 'going through the motions' and caring for a baby for weeks/months.

I'm not trying to judge struggling single mothers here, I'm just interested in that hormone's disappearance and how we can deal with the resulting issues. Like a scientist.

You're probably thinking of oxytocin - triggers contractions and lactation, and is called the 'cuddle' hormone because it supports emotional bonding particularly during skin-to-skin contact. But it isn't exclusive to women, although they produce more when pregnant and breastfeeding.

I think women who do this have personality disorders and are narcissistic people.

No mother who genuinely loved her children would dream of doing this.

Many men do it with ease.
Even men that "love" their children, happily put themselves first.
Its just who they are.

Not all men, sure. But a lot of them.
Even men who consider themselves good fathers, just somehow put their comfort and themselves, first.

I don't lnow how much is hormonal and how much is therapy - often these women didn't have happy upbringings, they're following a toxic pattern they can't break and need male attention to feel worthy, in need of therapy - its like how some women can't just be happy and single without always needing some man

Reducing motherhood to hormones is reductive and misses vast swathes of socialisation, trauma, lots of things that affect relationships.

My take? If women weren’t trained from birth to centre men’s needs and feel like they are failures without one, and society wasn’t set up to be hard for single women in particular, you’d reduce this issue by more than half immediately. Hormones or no.

Being a single mum means you get judged so much. I've had a tough time throughout my life but have never been so disrespected as when people find out i'm a single mum

For some women, their life changes when they get married and theyre seen as more respectable

Then when the inevitable issues of forcing some man to be your kids dad arise, the woman decides her kid is to blame for being naughty

Kids dont need a father figure more than they need a sane and strong mum, who fucking wants them

We're too far advanced in society to not see the damage bringing a man into your home is doing to your kids. Just be a single mum and embrace your kids!

Oxytocin is also involved in romance, is it not? I'm curious how the focus gets shifted from kids to new man, as if he's replaced them as mum's top priority, and they're forgotten.

It doesn't always (or often?) happen; some mums fall in love with new partners but it doesn't affect the maternal bond. Wonder what the hidden variables are, in the brain.

There were two somewhat neglected children at my primary school - they smelt, basically, although they did turn up at school so Mum clearly had some idea. I remember seeing the Mum
at some kind of school picnic and she was canoodling with a boyfriend. This was really not what the mums we knew did - they stayed at home and cooked for our dads. Happily we’ve moved on from that limited set of possibilities for women but I feel so sorry for those kids - everyone was mean to them at school because they stank and had no manners and Mum just ignored them to snog her boyfriend. I think he was horrid to them as well.
So sad.

It's not down to hormones - if you're the type that prefers to be in a partnership to face society, bill paying and life, then you'll probably be successful in that endeavour. Moreso given the LTB mentality as a cure all that aids the pool of available men also needing to form a new partnership too. The increase in blended families does evidence this a bit.

I'm not of such a 'needy' personality myself but I do believe that most of these newer/2nd partnerships don't result in CSA/child neglect, etc.

Problematic in other ways, often yes, but not usually to extremes.

Ive seen it loads to. New man, lots of baby sitting requests. Ignore kids while on phone the whole time. Buy new outfits when they cant afford new shoes for kids.
Someone even asked to babysit for two weeks while they went on holiday (she'd known him for a month)

3 that i know all had not the best upbringing.

I did it somewhat too will admit that. But more like can you watch kids for an hour for a coffee date after a few coffee dates id sneak out in an evening while babysitter was downstairs and kids asleep (still feel guilty for it)

Hormones are just one aspect, that I find interesting in a logical flowchart sort of way. (I'm autistic and curious how brains work, I don't mean to offend anyone)

But you're absolutely correct about the other things counting too. My mum was deeply ashamed of being a teenage single mum, envious of her friends getting new partners/married etc, and desperate to 'redeem herself' by finding a respectable man, house, picket fence, 2.4 new kids with him. I was an embarrassment, a hindrance, damaging her reputation and image (especially as I was developmentally delayed). Things might've been different with more support, less pressure on her.

I think you're right in that it's rare. Plenty of mothers are capable of getting new partners without losing interest in kids. Those extreme cases are what I'm wondering about. The change happens so rapidly and completely - the kids were utterly adored last week, now mum wants them out of her sight and has zero time for them - what could that possibly be, if not some kind of hormonal shift?

"No mother who genuinely loved her children would dream of doing this"

That's the thing that puzzles me about these cases. Because as far as anyone can tell, the mums do absolutely adore their kids beforehand. Deeply attentive, would die for them, do anything, born to be a mother, yadda yadda.

But then it... disappears. And in some cases I've heard about, it can be very quick, over a weekend even. Suddenly the kids are just pests, mum doesn't want to be around them, snappy and impatient and rough, no care at all. The new romance has bewitched her.

It's a frighteningly dramatic change. I'm not sure 'personality disorder' really fits. More like a mood swing? But I've never heard of it swinging back afterwards...

I was reading something about two little boys abandoned by their mother and her boyfriend and someone commented that the biggest factor in child abuse or murder is if the mother gets a new boyfriend. I don't know if that's true but if it is then you're definitely right that it should be studied to see how this happens, how it can be predicted, support, changes etc.

Children often aren’t mums top priority though, many mums struggle to bond with their baby and many find parenthood an absolute drudgery. I don’t think hormones play as big a role as we imagine nor do I think a maternal bond or instinct comes naturally to many people. Mums tend to be primary carers because their socialised to be, and I guess their attention can be pulled in exactly the same way as a man.

Equally people can bond with and have deep love for children they have no biological (hormonal) link to.

From an evolutionary perspective, it makes sense that a new man wouldn’t want to raise someone else’s kids, therefore has some sort of influence on the mothers and in turn the mother wants to procreate with a man who is going to stick around and help her raise his children.

Mothers are woefully under-supported by society. I think it's absolutely normal (and healthy, necessary even!) to need some time away from kids. We're supposed to live in tribes where everyone shares child-rearing duties. The modern, isolated 'nuclear family' has a lot to answer for. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

The cases I'm talking about are more extreme (like the neglectful mums you mention). It's as if they suddenly mentally abandon the kids, forget the love for them, resent them. And it seems to be permanent, as long as the new man is around; only gets worse until kids end up dead, in someone else's care, or damaged adults.

Or did you see better outcomes? (I wonder what happens if the men fuck off, do the mums regain interest in kids?)

The two French boys dumped in Portugal? Yes, that's a high-profile recent example. But sadly there are countless more; only the ones with the most shocking endings make the news.

The fact that there's no name for it is honestly baffling. If you can't name a problem, you can't solve it.

My mother did this, on a much less severe scale. New man appeared….we were fed and clothed but utterly ignored and treated like a huge inconvenience. It was a miserable childhood but she is seemingly baffled about why we are all NC/LC with her.

Good points. Maybe I'm having a hard time getting my head around this because I'm not a mother and have zero interest in babies/children/relationships at all (something is definitely lacking in my brain). It's a fascinating topic to observe as an outsider.

Hormones must play some important part, but how much of parental behaviour/feelings are due to human socialisation, we may never know. It's just interesting to read scientific studies about other animals (for example "female mice lacking [some gene] become cold and indifferent mothers") and wonder how much is applicable to us.

And (rambling here, I'm sorry) I think some people feel unnerved at the idea that we're just bundles of genes and hormones. "If something breaks, love vanishes" is frightening after all. I do hope that's not what's happening with these suddenly-neglectful mothers. If it's a social issue, hopefully it can be helped with support. But if no-one studies it, how can we know?

Maybe they were 'performative parents' and once single parent reality hit they thought their best option was to 'snag a man' first whilst intending to revert back to 'performing' as a parent.

This, exactly. I'm sorry it happened to you too.

Maybe it is not hormone-driven, more of a social issue, but either way it still ought to be named and recognised, because it's a real thing affecting many of us. I always find it hard to explain why I have no parents; "they lost interest and dumped me on other relatives, have never bothered with me since" is the awkward truth.

"Romance-Onset Child Disinterest" sounds a bit clunky though.

I'll bet you a pound to a penny that women who do this, have been traumatised by males growing up throughout their lives.

That does feature in many of the cases I've known about, yes. And the new men clearly dislike the children being around (and often become controlling etc).

How much of this is 'in her head, wanting to please him' and how much is 'him pressuring her to forget kids, focus on him'?

If this were studied properly maybe we'd know, and be able to help her before the bond/relationship with her kids deteriorates.

I’m sorry this was your childhood too. It’s shit, absolutely.
But, I remember being about 10 and thinking….i just don’t want to be anything like either of them.
As an adult, I….sort of…..get it. The divorce was messy, neither of them were particularly emotionally intelligent so they both entered into frankly unsuitable relationships with the first people that would take them. They wanted to “move on” and the children were an unhappy reminder. Not great when you’re 9 yrs old and no one wants you, but there you go.
As I understand it, they have stayed in those relationships. Miserable, bitter and unhappy is what I hear.
But me? I’ve turned out nothing like either of them. My family looks….so very different from the one I had growing up. My DC are safe, loved, and happy. I am the polar opposite of both of them. I am happy, I’m decent, I’m kind, I’d never, ever do what they did. And I’m massively proud of that.
So, I don’t know how to label it, other than “something I would never do”.