AIBU to want a cleaner when my partner refuses to contribute?

[tangledbutnewfangled]

I have lived with DP for four years. I work consistently much longer hours than him but also do about 70% of the housework. I do have high standards and expect a bathroom to be clean and prefer things 5* hotel spotless.

DP works around 9am-6pm and goes to the gym every day before work. I work 9am-9pm often until midnight. I am usually too tired to go to the gym or would rather keep on top of housework.

DP says he doesn’t really notice the dust much.

We rent and split this 50:50. I earn roughly twice what he earns.

I want to hire a cleaner for a weekly clean, especially to keep on top of the bathroom and kitchen. DP says we don’t need one and he will NOT pay towards one.

If you spilt everything 50:50 rent, bills etc then I think you should pay for the cleaner. If you are carrying him then maybe you'd be better living alone. Then things stay hiw you want them.

Exactly. If the roles were reversed there would be MN uproar about this.

Who says the house is clean?

OP says she needs a cleaner to “keep on top of the kitchen and bathroom” and that her DP doesn’t see dust. That doesn’t sound like standard clean let alone five star clean.

Well he can either help clean , or contribute to a cleaner- dxoing neither is not an option.

Dear OP you have been doing the unpaid labour for years. Put on paper the number of hours you have spend weekly on cleaning x the hourly rate, calculate how much money that would have cost so far ..

this is a house lived in by 2 adults who seem to spend a large proportion of their time working. And DP does do some of the cleaning. If OP is spending more than the odd hour or 2 cleaning that is entirely her own choice.

If you have more disposable income than your partner and you want tje cleaner and he doesn't then you should pay.
But instead why dont you save your money to purchase your own house instead of cleaning someone else's house immaculately and paying someone else's mortgage. Invest in your own place x

Bills would be fairer split 75/25 perhaps 5hen he might be more inclined to pay more.

He does 30% of what OP wants to 5* so equivalent of 50% if there was normal standards like everyone else
pays 50% even though OP earn considerably more normally the general consensus is % relevant to salary

it’s him who needs to be thinking long and hard about this relationship

This. Absolutely!

Tbh you should get on and pay for a cleaner. The issue is that if the man doesn’t help around the house then the cleaner doesn’t tend to help matters, so much as reinforce the attitude.

This is a highly relevant point and one a lot of people are missing.

This isn't a home. It's not lived in most of the time.

As I said previously, I wonder if the OP is considering kids.

Something is off about the OPs standards and expectations. Someone else said the partner needs ditching because he's not pulling his weight. But really, no one is there to mess it up!

It can only be dust and cleaning the bog. I doubt the kitchen is even used very much.

If you want to live in a show house and not a home, you hire a cleaner and examine why this is more important than having a home to relax in and respect your partner's more realistic and normal standards on cleaning.

You earn much more and still split 50/50 so if you want a cleaner you pay for them

LTB as you are not compatible at this stage, and it will get worse

OP couldn't be arsed to come back.

Yeah OP, save £20-40 a week on a cleaner and you'll have saved a £30,000 deposit in no time!

Jeez, I thought people had finally got over the "stop eating avocado toast" style of financial advice...🙄

Regardless of the rest of the argument, despite not owning it, ops flat is still her home and "own place". Renting doesn't mean some subclass of human with no pride in where they live.

She said rent is split 50:50, where did she say that about everything else? Perhaps I missed it.

Lol yep renters can just live in their own filth. Such a strange attitude.

You earn twice as much and he pays half the rent. And by your own admission he does do 30% of the cleaning.

I suggest you pay for a cleaner from your own money. And then you can allocate between you the tasks that need to be done daily eg emptying dishwasher.

I think this really really depends on how much he is actually doing. If he genuinely us doing half of what a "normal" person does, and you genuinely are wanting a cleaner to go above and beyond normal then you should pay. However, if he literally just does the absolute bare minimum, doesn't keep on top of washing, doesn't do anything above tidying up his own mess, doesn't ever actually clean and tells you that what you do is "over the top" then he's the problem. It's very tricky in these scenarios to truly know which side that falls. Having said that, you staying up till midnight and not having hobbies or time for yourself because you prioritise cleaning, it sounds to me like you slightly edge towards obsessional. Which makes me think it's likely a "you" issue and I'm not surprised he resents the idea of paying someone to clean, if he genuinely is cleaning the kitchen after cooking 50% of the time, cleaning the bathroom weekly, regularly emptying the bins, whipping a hoover and duster round weekly, staying tidy and keeping on top of washing (that's what I'd say was roughly 50% housework).

I'd also say be extremely careful getting a cleaner - they're not you, they might not be able to achieve your standards and you might find it makes you very frustrated. I'd also suggest a little glance in the mental health mirror to sense check - is this something you enjoy, like having but doesn't dictate your life OR are you tipping into being too bothered by small things and perceived hygiene to the point it dictates your social life, leisure time and way you actually want to live. If the latter, seek a therapist not a cleaner. Obviously hard to say from one post, but do just sense check yourself and be confident/happy that you're OK.

I work 9am-9pm often until midnight.

Really?

You earn double what he earns, yet you divide rent 50/50? Unless you pay a larger proportion of the remaining bills to make your contributions proportionate, you pay the cleaner.

Imagine the comments if the roles were reversed and the double earning male partner was asking the woman to pay 50/50 and demands that she contribute towards a cleaner because he expects 5* standards 😳

If you are working 12-15 hours x5? days, consider reducing your hours OP. No wonder you earn double what your partner earns, you are working up to 75 hours a week!