AIBU to want a cleaner when my partner refuses to contribute?

[tangledbutnewfangled]

I have lived with DP for four years. I work consistently much longer hours than him but also do about 70% of the housework. I do have high standards and expect a bathroom to be clean and prefer things 5* hotel spotless.

DP works around 9am-6pm and goes to the gym every day before work. I work 9am-9pm often until midnight. I am usually too tired to go to the gym or would rather keep on top of housework.

DP says he doesn’t really notice the dust much.

We rent and split this 50:50. I earn roughly twice what he earns.

I want to hire a cleaner for a weekly clean, especially to keep on top of the bathroom and kitchen. DP says we don’t need one and he will NOT pay towards one.

you'll be mad to pay for cleaner so she can clean rented flat. I would get your own place, then hire help.

absolutely.

Your life sounds like one miserable grind OP.

I’ll be honest op, you will struggle to get a cleaner to meet your standards on a standard 3 hour clean too. I’ve given up on cleaners because the standards have been very disappointing despite the fact I’m not even fussy (you pay a cleaner to clean the whole room including the corners for instance)

So DH works 9-6 and goes to the gym before work.
You work 9-9.

There are no other people living in this place?

how much cleaning can it need?

I agree.

You earn double, you want 5☆ clean then you pay for cleaner

If hes generally supportive I wouldn't see this as being a big deal. He has less disposable income than you and doesn't want to spend it on something he doesnt prioritise. If hes not so supportive it sounds like you are using this as a proxy way to be annoyed at him in which case deal with the bigger issue.

If he won’t share the workload then a cleaner is the solution. However, seeing as he earns so much less than you I can understand why he doesn’t want to pay for it when you split everything else 50-50 but give him the choice he takes on more of the domestic load or pays half for a cleaner or even a third towards the cleaner.

This relationship doesn’t have any legs. Just end it. Or at least live apart. You are never going to live together compatibility

Have less stuff have have less to clean.

I‘m with your DH.

If you want a cleaner, then you pay for it.

I can’t see how your home is messy or dirty anyway.

Sounds like this relationship is not very compatible.

Are you actually in love or just basically house sharing?

I disagree.

The home is clean.
There are 2 of them and both are barely home anyway.

OP wants it 5* clean and so it’s reasonable that she puts more effort in or pays for a cleaner if she’s got such unrealistic standards.

You earn twice what he earns but split bills 50:50? That doesn’t seem fair. I think with that in mind, you could splash out fit a cleaner out of your own pocket.

So you make him pay half despite earning a lot more, he cleans but not to your standard so you want him to pay even more towards a cleaner.

hmm…

a man doing this would be called abusive.

It’s unlikely that a cleaner will reach your standards but if you get one you should pay for them.

Think long and hard about this relationship.
This is who he is and will not get better.
Certainly do not marry him and end up givjng him 50% of what you have.

Not a man to have children with either, that's for sure.
You are a flatmate, not a team.

At least you have the cop on not to be subbing him.

I was thinking this too. How much mess can be made in an hour or two before bed and how can a relationship be sustained if one person works 9am - midnight. I’d hire the cleaner so I could spend time with my partner or chilling out instead of working, cleaning, sleeping every day

I’m confused by the voting. YANBU to pay for a cleaner if you want one, but YABU to insist your DH pays or to be resentful about him not paying. If you want things “5* hotel spotless” then that’s on you and very unreasonable to expect anyone else to facilitate.

You are not compatible, sorry but it's that simple.

You are not "wrong" to like a pristine home - and you are ready to pay for the priviledge

He's not "wrong" to not care about mess and dirt, and he doesn't have to change , it's his home too. it's only a problem when he doesn't care only because you are doing all the work.

Your choice is to tolerate the mess, and it's never going to improve.
Or move out.

You are working from 9 to 9/ midnight, there's no reason whatsoever why you can't have a 5* hotel home when there's no one in it all day! Some people enjoy the mess and don't see the dirt, it's their choice, you are not wrong to want something .. clean?

you earn nearly double but expect him to pay 50% of everything... you should pay more anyway so yes it makes sense for you to pay a cleaner but if your standards are such then you might have difficulty finding a good one

Is it a higher standard or just an acceptable standard?

If he earns half of what you do yet pays half of all expenses then he's already paying a much higher percentage of his income than you are so it seems fair that you pay for a cleaner that you want and he doesnt care about.

You earn double but are splitting the bills 50:50? You can pay for the cleaner as on a salary basis you’re paying a lesser amount

You’re living to work with those hours - when do you see friends and family and enjoy yourself? Nothing stopping you going to the gym.

Agree!
of course he doesn’t want to pay for the cleaner, and doesn’t notice the dust , as you clean it.
Dear OP you have been doing the unpaid labour for years. Put on paper the number of hours you have spend weekly on cleaning x the hourly rate, calculate how much money that would have cost so far ..
He obviously prefers to spend his spare time working on himself, by going to gym (commendable) then he comes to a nice clean house. How lovely for him. And with no additional cost.
I would love that!

What about you OP? Dear woman, look after yourself. You work far too much, you need down time. Find something that gives you joy (apart from cleaning) on daily/weekly bases , find a cleaner, forget about 5* impeccably clean and pristine house. Have fun in your life.

Cleaning should be a shared responsibility, you share the home.
He should pay 1/2.