AIBU to feel hurt when one school mum ignores me in groups

[Annie2163]

(I think I have RSD. I know I have ADHD. Just for context not an excuse).

I feel really upset today at a children’s party the school mums and I were standing around and chatting and another mum came who I chat to too but she went around hugged everyone and made small talk and bypassed me! Every other mum who entered thereafter she made the effort to hug. After a while I went up to her and spoke to her she was fine but she does this often. There’s no excuse as we all know each other equally well and it’s rude to do that in my opinion. It makes me feel crap when she does that. I wouldn’t care and could make peace with the fact she doesn’t like me but then she makes the effort one to one! She often says hi to be but I’ve noticed she has mood swings that she’s fine sometimes But in a group setting she blatantly ignores me.

how can I not let it get to me? People who understand RSD will know why this is so hard.

Two responses .. don't try to engage with her, and gives her power if she's playing games.

the other one is magic and helped me so much .. not everyone likes chocolate.

it's not you!

@Tumbler777 thank you. I just do t know why she hates me so much. I’m a nice person and I’m not argumentative. I’m really nice to her when we meet but she’s hot and cold.

Whatever her issue is, let her be ... I have recently come across a couple of people who are sometimes friendly friendly, other times very cool. Just feel soffy for them that they can't get their act together!

You’re nice but not everyone is. It can be really hard when you are nice to full integrate that other people just are not.

It is not you.

I think you’re letting your own disordered thinking inflate this way out of proportion. This person is a school yard acquaintance you sometimes chat to, who is sometimes friendlier than at other times. It’s highly unlikely to be anything to do with you, other than that there are other people she’s more interested in in group situations.

The thing is we’re both from the same background. I know that most people on MN wouldn’t get that. But being a minority and finding someone else you feel like they’re family! We are from the same ethnic background, speak the same language, have very similar upbringings plus our kids get on so well. When it’s just us at pick up she walks with me and is so nice, her kid plays with mine and her child asks me if we can have a play date but as soon as we are in a group situation she’s very cold and ignores me. I just don’t get it.

Anyone around to give me advice? I feel a little down.

I think the issue here is giving it so much headspace. The question you need to ask is so what, who cares if she hugs you. She’s not your family, she’s nice one on one, stop making so much effort, stop thinking about her so much, she doesn’t matter, honestly she really doesn’t matter.

Do you think she’s in some way sort of ashamed of her background and doesn’t want people to lump to together as the xxx women or whatever?

Could you call her out on it? “Oi Mable where’s my hug?”

Its sounds like it’s a her issue not a you issue. Do you want a closer relationship with her or are you worried the other women will lessen their interactions with you because of her behaviour?

Hugging other mums? Who actually wants that? No one would be hugging me! Be glad about not being hugged. She sees you as part of the furniture. She doesn’t need to be ultra demonstrative with you as you and dc are constant. She’s acting up with the others for some reason. Curating friendships maybe? You just have to ignore the stupidity.

Have you spoken to her about your RDS/adhd? Has she hugged you before and maybe you flinched etc?

Firstlty i'd say its just her not you. I've had this so many times with school mums, nice one to one but as soon as there is someone in their eyes who is more useful around they ignore you and talk to them. Could be because the other mums child is the class alpha, on the pta anything at all.

Secondly interesting to hear that you have RSD, can i ask do you think you've had it all your life and how much does it affect you in social situations and friendships?
I think my daughter also has it and she is really struggling with friendships, constantly being friends one minute then falling out but saying she doesn't know why. There isn't much around about it and it seems they won't really diagnose it until older anyway.

I’ve got two school mums like this who have always completely blanked me. At first it made me feel really rubbish and I took it personally. Then, I remembered that I’m actually a nice person. I may not be the best communicator, or the most fun or interesting person, so I may not be everyone’s best friend, fine, but I’m nice and I don’t deserve to be ignored. Since then, I now ignore them back and don’t think twice. It’s an issue THEY have, not us.

As we go through life, we realise there are some strange people out there. I’d just nod and smile and leave it there, she’s obviously a bit of an idiot.

What is RSD? I have definitely seen some minorities be hostile when someone else like them turns up. I think they feel it threatens their special status, if you know what I mean?

That was my first thought. Terrible if so.

Oh lordy. I wouldn't have wanted a hug. These mums aren't friends. They are purely the mum of a child whose a friend of your child.

honestly school is a very long time and you’re going to meet people who are odd. I’ve got terrible rejection sensitivity (adhd) and I’ve had to really be firm with myself since my son was a baby to chill out when it comes to people being odd. I had one mum friend who went from being all over me at sensory classes to ignoring me in the local park repeatedly. No idea why, other friends noticed it. But at the end of the day I didn’t do anything and that’s her problem.

I would just continue being lovely to everyone else and being you. You’re better off without her if she’s playing those games at this stage of life. Don’t try so hard, if you are chatting fab but don’t go out of your way.

Well at least you have your answer! I wouldn't have messaged her but at least you know it's not in your head. You could just say you didn't mean her and the other parents in the group. You just find it hard meeting new people (keep it brief if you are replying) then just leave it as you sound like you're trying quite hard.

I’ve had it all my life and yes I find friendships really hard. Even if the person at Tesco uses a horrible tone with me it affects my entire day

I was a minority in the UK for twenty years. I would say two things to that.

(1) It’s a mistake to assume that someone of the same ethnicity is automatically your friend because they feel familiar, any more than they would be if you met them in your country of origin.

(2) They may not want to befriend you just because you share a background.

I tended to avoid people from my country when I moved to the UK, if anything. If I’d only wanted to hang around with people from there, I’d have stayed at home! That didn’t mean I was unfriendly, I simply didn’t think we needed to automatically become close friends, just as I didn’t need to befriend the parents of children my child liked — I would have that child over, absolutely, and the accompanying parent if the child was young, but unless I genuinely liked the parent, I didn’t befriend them.

This woman may feel similarly. If, as you say, you struggle socially, she may not want you to latch onto her. It’s not her job to make it easier for you in groups.

Anyway, it doesn’t particularly matter why. She’s made her position clear. She doesn’t mind an occasional chat, but doesn’t want to befriend you.

I absolutely get that rejection hurts, but it’s happened to us all at one time or other. I don’t struggle at all socially, and there have been times I’ve made overtures of friendship and it’s been a no. You just say ‘Oh, well’ and move on.

I think all the comments about her being horrible and stupid from PP are silly and childish. This woman doesn't have to be your friend and she clearly doesn't want to be so leave her alone.

I'll give you a perspective from the other side. I have a horse and love riding, I am very selective as to who I ride with because I'm quite nervous and don't want to go out with people riding spooky naughty horses. A new lady turned up in our stable last summer, she instantly started going on about us all riding together. I told her I only ride with one lady and no one else and I told her why. She said her horse was calm and well behaved and we'd all be a good match so I said fine, we all went out for a ride together. It was hell. Her horse was a nightmare, he upset my horse and made me feel unsafe to the point I got off and walked home with him. Since then she constantly goes on about us l riding together. I've made it clear I'm not going with her again several times but she continues to push and sulks when she sees me riding with my friend because we're "leaving her out". She constantly messaged us both and set up a group chat that never stopped pinging. It's awful. When I see her in the barn I am polite and engage in chit chat as not to be rude but I don't like her at all and we are not friends. We never will be. But she doesn't get that and just keeps harassing me, sending us all messages about how she feels left out of the group and we're isolating her. No one is doing any such thing, we just don't like her! MN posters would be telling her to "match my energy" and "stop putting effort in because I'm stupid and nasty". Honestly I'd be relieved if she did that! If someone isn't being all chummy with you it's because they don't want to be, it doesn't mean you have to grind them down until they treat you the way you want them to. This woman is not entitled to be part of our friendship group and she is not entitled to my time or headspace and she needs to accept that. You need to accept that about this woman. The fact that she's chatty with you one on one may just be that you are chatting to her and she doesn't want to be rude. That doesn't make her horrible or blowing hot and cold, it makes her polite for entertaining someone she doesn't want to be friends with rather than just ignoring you.

Accept she doesn't want to be your friend. Accept you can't change that. Accept you aren't entitled to her friendship. Then move on. Rejection hurts us all but you have to accept some people won't like you and it doesn't mean that you're not nice! I'm nice and not everyone likes me. The woman I don't like at the stable is nice, I don't dislike her because she's not nice, I dislike her for a while host of other reasons. That's life.

You need to know that it's not you, it's her. She is mean and uses it as a control thing. She is probably jealous of you. It's nothing you have done and can rectify, she's the type to just go cold on people for mystifying reasons of her own.

I have been on the receiving end of b*txhes like this and I can tell you the only way is to mirror their actions. If she talks to you and is kind, talk back and be kind. If she ignores you, ignore her. Don't ever rise to her or let her know she's getting to you and never lose your cool. Also try not to talk about her Be really friendly with the other mums but cooler with her, same way she is. The minute she knows she can't phase you, she will grow some respect for you and stop it.

Above all, you need to remember it's not a you problem, it's a her problem.

there is a cow like this in every single school year, making someone's life a misery.