To think a grandparent who hits DC can never see DC alone

[mcrlover]

Posted about this a while back, and am ashamed to say I haven't resolved anything with DH. DH's dad hits his grandkids (my nieces). Their mum (the grandfather's DIL) didn't like it and told the grandfather so - he gave her the silent treatment for year, she caved, now they are talking again and she is turning a blind eye to the abuse.

That side of the family live in a different country. We are about to go stay in that country for a month. Grandparents wanted to babysit our DC (nearly 1 year old, I can see the start of minitantrums coming already), I said no so we have organised daycare. I work full time, my DH does not. DH and I have had so many arguments - he refuses to tell his DF that we don't want him hitting our DC. DH has never hit our DC, but he seems afraid of his own DF (though would never admit it). Now DH says his parents will collect DC from daycare (usually that's my DH's job while I work).

I don't know what to do. Hate my DH right now. Do I tell the grandfather he can never hit our DC, before allowing him to collect DC from daycare (maybe he wouldn't listen anyway?) Do I switch my work hours to pick up DC from daycare and continue working in the evenings after she's in bed (sounds like a miserable month for me).

AIBU in thinking there isn't even any point in trying to talk to grandfather about it anyway, as it will never be safe to leave DC with him, no matter how the conversation went (remembering what happened with my SIL)? Has anyone had an experience where they managed to "convince" grandparent to not be physically violent? Seems unlikely!

Honestly, my child would never see a Grandparent that smacks children, never mind be left alone with them.

DH wanted us to leave DC with his parents,

He's a monster. He wants to leave your kid with violent child abusers. I don't know how the marriage can continue.
Have any of the abusers or their supporters been reported for their attacks?

I spoke to the SIL about it, she minimised it and said I was being sensitive. Considered calling the police, but it would be my word against literally everyone else in the family, including the nieces' parents, and I read that then it can actually make the abuser resort to even more violence against the kids as a "punishment"

I'm going deep and fundamental. Speak with a therapist. Try reading Families and How to Survive Them by John Cleese & his psychologist pal.
This family issue is about power, control and loyalty. My heart goes out to both you and your husband.
His father may be very controlling. If so, it will help you to think of when you have felt intense fear yourself and imagine your husband experiencing that fear from early childhood. F in Law is not respecting the parents. He's not respecting his son. He's certainly not respecting you. He exercises power through controlling his son. Your husband doesn't realise he's damaging his marriage by his disloyalty to you. He must fear his dad's disapproval terribly...existentially? He's putting his dad before you and his child's safety and well-being. He doesnt realise because he's been shaped by a life of parental control.
If I'm right, do see a family psychologist. You need help to save a good marriage & your lovely family.xx

He should never see them again. Supervised or not.

And if your own DH wants to place your own children with the same abusive man , then you have no choice but to leave your husband , whether you want to or not.