To think a grandparent who hits DC can never see DC alone

[mcrlover]

Posted about this a while back, and am ashamed to say I haven't resolved anything with DH. DH's dad hits his grandkids (my nieces). Their mum (the grandfather's DIL) didn't like it and told the grandfather so - he gave her the silent treatment for year, she caved, now they are talking again and she is turning a blind eye to the abuse.

That side of the family live in a different country. We are about to go stay in that country for a month. Grandparents wanted to babysit our DC (nearly 1 year old, I can see the start of minitantrums coming already), I said no so we have organised daycare. I work full time, my DH does not. DH and I have had so many arguments - he refuses to tell his DF that we don't want him hitting our DC. DH has never hit our DC, but he seems afraid of his own DF (though would never admit it). Now DH says his parents will collect DC from daycare (usually that's my DH's job while I work).

I don't know what to do. Hate my DH right now. Do I tell the grandfather he can never hit our DC, before allowing him to collect DC from daycare (maybe he wouldn't listen anyway?) Do I switch my work hours to pick up DC from daycare and continue working in the evenings after she's in bed (sounds like a miserable month for me).

AIBU in thinking there isn't even any point in trying to talk to grandfather about it anyway, as it will never be safe to leave DC with him, no matter how the conversation went (remembering what happened with my SIL)? Has anyone had an experience where they managed to "convince" grandparent to not be physically violent? Seems unlikely!

I would not leave my DC with anyone that hits children. Absolutely not. They would never babysit my DC.

If you don’t think you can trust your DH to not leave DC with them then I would switch your work hours as suggested. But my opinion of my DH would hit rock bottom if he wouldn’t ensure the safety of our DC.

Seriously, do not leave your child alone with him at all. Even if it will be a miserable month for you , collect your dc yourself from nursery.

I would have no problem at all telling my in laws not to hit my child. And I would tell my dh that I will tell his parents that message, as I would want to make sure the message was delivered in very clear words

No you cannot leave your child with their abusive grandparent and you cant trust your husband to protect them. I think you will have to switch your work hours to pick them up.
Your big issue is your husband isnt protecting your child and honestly that would make me lose all respect for him.

It wouldn’t be enough for me to tell his grandfather not to hit the DC. You couldn’t guarantee that he would listen. You’d be tense and on edge the whole time he was with the DC. Besides, if someone is happy to hit children then they aren’t really someone I want round them regardless!
Sorry OP, that’s really rubbish for you and really stressful.

I would tell my husband that I’d find it hard to forgive him, if I’d had to change my work hours because he couldn’t be trusted to stand up for our DC.

Absolutely not! I found out that PIL used physical abuse to discipline DH and his siblings. I made it very clear before DC1 was born that that would never ever be acceptable and if they laid a finger on our children, I would cut their contact with them. He agreed!

This is mainly about your FIL’s need for power and control, there is absolutely no value to hitting children. Is your DH playing the same game now with you? His need for control and/or power is more important than your children’s well-being.

This would be enough for me to rethink my relationship altogether. Even if he doesn’t hit your child, you do t know what else he might resort to and unfortunately, everyone, including your husband, permits this. You have to protect your child.

Honestly eiither you change your work hours & do the pick ups or you & kids just don't go
You have a DH problem.

Are you going to visit them? I'd refuse to go if DH couldn't assure me he'd protect our children.

In laws hit their kids and grandkids. They say their kids used to ask them to discipline their kids for them. I said I don't need anyone to discipline my kids for me, I'm their mother.

They are not allowed unsupervised around my children, ever. DH knows this and supports me in this. He is scared of his parents. They are majorly abusive to him. But I don't take any shit and he knows that respecting me and protecting our children is more important than his parents tantrums so he has the hard conversations.

I would tell them they're not to hit your children. I would also change my working hours to do he collections. And if anyone asks or complains I'd say "i can't trust you not to hit my kids and I can't trust my husband to protect my kids so I have to do the school runs aswell as work" let them all be embarrassed, they should be.

Why's your kid in daycare when your husband doesn't work?

Sorry they would never see my dc who at 1 could not tell me what is happening.
so he assaults your dc and injures them, what do you tell police, ss, hospital.. “yeah we know he’s a child abusing bastard but…..”
why doesn’t your dh work?

Problem with this is she then can't stop him letting his parents babysit her kids during his contact time.
I could never have sex with such a wet blanket though.

You stay at home with dc. Let dh go.

I just wouldn't go over there unless its for a holiday and you have eyes on dc the whole time.

Honestly I would probably just not go - sounds absolutely miserable for you anyway, and your children are going to be in nursery all month anyway so what is the point?

And if your FIL doesn’t like it, tough honestly. What is your DH going to do, divorce you?

I’d tell (not ask) PIL and DH what was the arrangement.

I’d speak with daycare to ensure they are clear the child should not be picked up by anyone other than you or DH.

I tell DH that he if leaves DC with his parents I’d be leaving him permanently.

Ask your DH why he is scared of his father…..

I’m pretty sure the answer is obvious. If he doesn’t want protect his own child from that he’s despicable himself.

Can tell you from personal experience the conversation is unlikely to go well with your FIL.

can you refuse to go? I’d certainly have a stand up row with my dh and be very clear that if I went I’d be telling FIL exactly what I thought of him and shy he couldn’t look after our kid,

you may find dh does not want that and backs down

I would not be going, and neither would the children. Your DH is a disgrace. If he can’t manage the most basic part of being a parent - protecting them from harm - then he isn’t fit to have charge of them or make decisions for them. Get rid of their passports and refuse to go.

The less said about the “grandfather”, the better. 🤮

Someone would have to walk over my cold dead body before I let them anywhere near my kids thinking that hitting them is ok.

Absolutely fucking not. I would
leave my DH over this if I had to.

Mother nature made mothers powerful protectors, that’s our most important job.

I would give the passports to my best friend to keep safe and refuse to go. I would also be tearing DH a new one over this.

That’s very true.

You are being unreasonable going to stay for a month with DC knowing the situation, just stay away and keep your child safe.

Thanks everyone for your advice. DH works very part-time and is looking for work at the moment. I already told DH that the grandfather is not to be alone with DC, that's why we arranged daycare in the first place - DH wanted us to leave DC with his parents, I said we aren't going if we don't have daycare in place. Which is why I'm even more furious now that DH has casually dropped that his parents will pick DH up from daycare.

Great idea to tell daycare that grandparents aren't to collect DC, thanks.

I might be wrong, but even if we did split up, DH wouldn't be allowed to fly DC abroad to visit his family without my permission, right?

I don't want to split up from his, but I am at my wits end about how to get through to DH about this matter. He himself has never shown signs of being physically abusive towards DC, but I agree where is his paternal instinct to protect his own DC from harm?!!

I would refuse to go - if I thought I’d have to put my child in day care in another country because I didn’t think they were safe with family whilst I was at work there is no way I would be going. What is your DH doing the month you are there?

WTAF.
So you know your nieces are being abused and you are doing nothing to stop it?
I'm sorry OP but safeguarding is everyone's business. Find your bloody courage and speak up.
This has to stop and if you do nothing then you are complicit in it.