AIBU to feel too tired for evenings out with visiting parents?

[Whereisthisheatwavethen]

Mid-late 40’s, primary aged Dd, amazing but challenging at times, part time job and take on 80% of everything else (that’s another story)
Parents have come to visit, they’re in their 70’s and i’m exhausted.
Most days have involved getting Dd to school, dropping them somewhere, working for a few hours, meeting them for lunch and long walk, picking Dd up or taking to clubs and making dinner, bedtime etc.
Similar thing today and now Ddad has suggested we go out tonight too, to a shopping centre and dinner out or to a restaurant

I feel so tired and really don’t want to, but will because they want to as I feel bad we haven’t been out for meals in the evening, only coffees and lunches
In my normal, everyday life I have more down time and time at home, I don’t go out every day for long walks, cafes, restaurants and driving etc and have a day off after drop off where I stay home, do some chores and work, then just chill and watch tv. I really need this in my usual routine

Aibu to not really want to when they want to go out places in the evening too

How can they be this more active in their 70’s than I am in my 40’s? Or am I just a bit more boring than the average person-I love my home and relaxing!

I don't think you can be unreasonable for being tired.

But does this seem like a situation I should be so tired from? I feel bad as obviously when people are on holiday they probably like to go out in the evening

Why don't you tell them you'd be happy to do that tomorrow night but you'll be skipping the afternoon walk so you can have downtime/a nap then instead?

They leave tomorrow 😬

OP I really relate to this! Similar age to you, parents also in their 70s. They have lots of energy in the evenings and this is always an issue when they come to stay. They live a few hours drive away so when they visit us it's usually for a few nights and they stay here.

Meanwhile, like you, DH and I are exhausted by the time the evening rolls around. We both work full-time, primary aged kids who keep us on our toes and life is relentless. I think I'm also experiencing peri symptoms so it isn't helping.

My dad always wants to go out or chat over alcohol, meanwhile my mum can't seem to amuse herself and requires constant chatter at night.

DH and I usually go to bed by 9.30pm and they would prefer to stay up till 11!

My DM will make comments about 'i don't recall being so tired when I was at your stage'. No, you don't - because you didn't work and you always had a mega nap during the day! She still has her nap now which means she's raring to go after the evening meal.

She's coming to stay this weekend and I'm kind of dreading the evenings. It's been another exhausting week and I just want a chilled weekend and not to be made to feel guilty for being tired...

You probably should have said that sooner then 🤣

If you're not going to see them again for a while, I'd probably suck it up for one dinner. But I am also constantly knackered so I get it!

Suck it up for one more day then you have the bank holiday weekend to recover.

Given they're leaving, have a coffee and go out with them tonight. You have a long weekend to come.

If they leave tomorrow then there’s not much more of it to go. Only you know if you’ve got the energy just to push through one more evening with them.

Or you could suggest a takeaway?

Its only 1 night so I would go.

Might be worth checking eck out why your so tired. Some bloods, look at your lifestyle etc.

Take care

Good advice.
FWIW I have more energy in my 60s than I did in my 40s, young children are really draining!

There is a bit of a theme of this with SOME (obviously not all) boomer parents.

They often had one job each - one worked for pay and the other did all the childcare and housework. Finances often sat with the working parent and life admin often with the SAHP. In reality we know the dad was the one at work and the mum at home but that doesn’t change the fact it was one job each.

Nowadays both parents are usually at work, often full time, jobs have often grown in their demands since those days. Then either they split all the childcare and housework (more normal if millennial or younger) or it all still falls on the working Mum (more common in Gen X couples I find!). Or a single Mum is carrying everything with minimal input from the dad.

I think this is going to change in future. Younger women seem to have their heads screwed on and talk about things like both working a three day week, and doing two days childcare when their kids are very small. Presumably continuing to work somewhat reduced hours once the kids are at school.

One thing is for sure - the workload that esp Gen X women have ended up with is not humanly possible and I imagine we will be dying a lot younger than our parents.

I can also relate to this. We live in a place people come on holiday so we're always getting visitors. It's nice to see people but for them it's a holiday, for me it's going round the same places and dragging myself out to be social. By about the second night my social battery is on 3%.

People get blinkered and become the lead character in their own story, not thinking about what other people have going on. I had to cancel one day out from a 4 day family visit because I was literally being sick and got a huge emotional guilt trip for it. I told them I was ill and couldn't make it that day and was then met with a barrage of texts and phone calls trying to guilt trip me into seeing them. I had to pull the 'I'll speak to DH when he gets home' stand point and then ignore for the rest of the day to get any peace. There were loads of things for them to do so it wasn't like they would get bored.

It made me angry because it was all about how disappointed they were. Made me re-evaluate how I manage visits in the future. I get they are elderly and are focused on having a good time, but life still goes on and you can't always get what you want just because you booked a holiday!

Im 50 50 on this op.

I feel tired a lot too. But ive also noticed that staying home relaxing almost adds to the feeling, whereas getting out and about can almost perk me up a bit.

I think we can all just fall out of the habit of doing things.

That said, my parents wouldn't usually visit when I'm at work, they'd come at a time when I can take some annual leave & am not continually shattered. Perhaps next time try asking if they can visit over a weekend or at a time you can book leave.

God this sounds exactly the same! Ddad wanting to be up until midnight having a beer and watching Netflix series and chatting with Dh, who is also exhausted after working all day. Mum also says to me she had bags of energy at our age, but also didn’t work and slept in the afternoon

Ha ha do we have the same parents @Whereisthisheatwavethen!

And yes @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing (some great usernames today!). Very accurate. Looking at my peers I'm not the only one trying to basically be Superwoman and I worry sometimes it's detrimental to my health. We moved house earlier this year and this ramped up the stress, but even though we're mostly settled in, I don't feel we've reverted to pre-move stress levels. I don't actually know how to stop and knowing I can go to bed early gets me through.

@ShorterMumma appreciate your suggestion but I don't think it's unusual to feel this way at this age and stage. I am up from an early hour, fitting in exercise, work, kid herding and everything else in between - I'd be more surprised if I had energy to spare by 9pm!

Sorry OP to take over your thread - just know you're not alone. I'm envious you have the long weekend to recover 🤣

I did say this as Ddad said it saves me cooking every night and more relaxing for me…driving more and going out isn’t 😩the takeaway would be great!

It might be easier to suck it up for one night. However, you are entirely normal. I’m 39 with a five year-old and we both work full-time. We’re going to the in-laws this weekend, we tend to eat early with ILs at 6. One son in bed at 7 I pretend I’ve got a headache or I’m going to read & just lie on the bed in our room and stare at the ceiling exhausted.

They’re nice kind people, but my mother-in-law never stops talking from 7 am till 10 pm and I need a few hours rest on an evening as I’m dog tired.

Yup Gen X here, totally agree!

I think in your shoes I'd suggest a takeaway and watch a movie or something at home! I'm not one for going out in the evenings during the week if I can help it. Life is busy and I like to veg in front of the tv in the evening!

Yes exactly!

I think there’s a difference between a visit and a holiday. You’re not on holiday you have all your usual responsibilities to meet. Can you suggest a film and a takeaway? Or could they have an evening out by themselves? I think people forget very quickly how tiring it is having young children. They probably don’t realise the impact it’s having bc they see their visit as a lovely thing. Which it is! But it’s okay for it to meet your needs as well as theirs.

I think if they are leaving tomorrow you’ll need to suck it up and have dinner out tonight and then collapse and do as little as possible to recover the next few days. Of course you’re exhausted! The 80% of the domestics situation obviously doesn’t help and needs to be addressed then too!

Well they leave tomorrow now it's done. I'd have advised you to suck it up and rest later and I say this as an anaemic and unfit person with DC and a household that falls all on me due to DH's long work hours.

I get this, I’m knackered most of the time, I love to just relax at home. My parents recently came and decorated my daughter and then my son’s bedroom, they seem to have more energy than me!! But they no longer have work, the mental loads of kids, trying to fit in chores with all this and trying to keep a little bit fit too