To think that most of the world population was probably conceived by accident

[blubberball]

I was an accident, I have 2 brothers older than me. I'm just going through therapy atm for low self confidence and low self esteem. I'm thinking about how different it must feel to know that you were very much wanted. This isn't my only issue, but in therapy, I was asked to go back as far as I can remember, and I remember always feeling very low self esteem. I always felt unwanted, unwelcome, in the way, too much just slightly on the outskirts of any group I've ever been a part of. Not quite belonging. Even in my own family. A sense that I don't quite belong in the world.

Do other people have these feelings? Do you feel different knowing if you were wanted, or if you're here because you were conceived by accident?

I think you need to focus on developing your own skills and confidence, than looking for someone or something to blame for them.

Good luck.

I was an accident, my brother wasn't. I don't feel like I was unwanted any more than my brother does.

My Dad is a nobhead who was always entirely uninterested in his kids, but thats got nothing to do with whether we were planned or not. He'd have been selfish whether we were planned or not.

DD was very very unplanned. We didn't know we were having her until DP went into labour, and we'd only been going out for 11 months at the time. Was she unwanted? At first, yes, we actually discussed adoption in those first couple of days. Life was completely and upended. But it lasted a matter of days, before we adjusted to the fact that this was what life is now, and we fell completely an utterly in love with her.

I think you're probably right that most people were an accident. I very much doubt that most people feel unwanted because of it though. That takes at least one parent being a shithead.

I think all of mine were, to the extent that we never said "OK, let's go and make a baby".
We were just open to starting a family, prepared for that eventuality, used contraception at certain times, and didn't at other times. When we decided 3 was enough, I had the snip ✂️

I think sadly in majority of the world, people cannot access contraception - not sure if that classes an 'accident' but I'd agree there are many unplanned children but through no fault of the parents.

I was conceived by accident, and my mother tried to abort me. My own children were very much planned and wanted but I would never have told them if they were not planned.

I’ll never understand why a child needs to know they were an accident.

My daughter was an accident. Used a condom, on the pill, conceived at a presumed safe time in my cycle. And I took the morning after pill as something made me think I should. Yet here she is.

I’ve told her now she’s a teen, she did get upset about it. I didn’t want her to be upset, I actually think it’s funny how tenacious she clearly was. What I explained after was she may not be planned but she was very very much wanted. From the moment I knew I was pregnant (even before the test, I knew). I didn’t want a or another baby. I wanted her. Almost more wanted than any planned baby, as it was literally her I wanted not “A baby”.
I’m hoping that last bit makes sense.

Globally it might be true but it wasn't my personal experience.

Both of my children were planned. DS1 was conceived after a long time of actively trying to conceive and multiple miscarriages. DS2 was ivf. There's nothing less unplanned then ivf.

Most of my friends and cousins had children in their late 30s. Many took time to conceive, some needed fertility treatment. I can't really think of anyone I'm close to who had an unplanned pregnancy.

I was conceived a month after my parents' wedding. That's just how it was in my home country in the 80s: you got married and immediately started trying for a baby.

Our third wasn't planned.
That doesn't mean unwanted. At all.

Globally, most babies are conceived because the man wanted sex.

My 4th and 5th were unplanned. They are both wanted and loved. My 1st took a year to conceive. We love him so much but not more than the unplanned ones.

Our only child, my DS, wasn’t planned, but he’s never been described as an ‘accident’. To us he was a lovely surprise and he’s always been very much adored.
Turned out that I absolutely hated pregnancy and childbirth though, so we were incredibly careful afterwards to stay a one-and-done.

If you think of the odds of any one sperm making to fertilisation, then yes, everyone is an accident of chance!

It's good you are having therapy though for the way you were brought up. It sounds like you need to come to terms with the past and find your people now. Your family is a part of you, but doesn't define you for the future.

I never call my DS an accident, I wasn't expecting him, but he wasn't an accident, he was a lovely surprise.

I was an accident too, my mum was 3 months gone so as she said "it was too late to do anything" about it. It has affected me knowing that, but also as my therapist has said my mum had choices and if she really didn't want to be a mum she should have looked at adoption or giving up PR to my dad.

Really the problem was that my mum was quite openly unhappy about being a mother, about the person she had me with, and that's what caused my low self esteem. She has a lot of trauma from her past, so I have always defended her aggressively because I would not have coped as she did. But equally she didn't protect me from that resentment and unhappiness and was quite emotionally distant. We are better now, but I just don't have the kind of mum other people do and sometimes I feel that keenly.

I do agree most people are accidental pregnancies - in that "not planned but mostly wanted once happening" way.

I think it’s probably half and half. My parents love to tell my sister and I that they decided they wanted us and the next month we were conceived (vom).

Loads of people plan their babies. Lots are also caught out by accident! There’s also the fact that just because you were an accident doesn’t mean you weren’t wanted.

My nephew was conceived by accident. But my sister, then a single woman with no plan for a baby, debt, a one bed flat, decided she wanted him so much that she would struggle against the world to have him and keep him happy and safe. She loves him so much.

My child was a wonderful surprise, the most joyous surprise I could ever imagine. Accident has negative connotations and I would never say that to him. Have you been told you were an 'accident' OP, in those words? A boy I was at school with was told he was a 'mistake'. Language matters.

Yeah. Mistake, accident, disappointment. Not sure how much these words were said by parents, or how much is internalised in me

We would never tell them this: two of ours were happy accidents.
But so what? We love them absolutely, unconditionally.

Kindly; I do not think that you being an ‘accident’ is the reason for your low self-esteem. It sounds as though it is your upbringing.

To answer your questions:
Yes, most people have at least a phase of low self worth.
Being an ‘accident’ and being wanted are two different things.
You can be born from a planned pregnancy and still feel (and be) unwanted.
Some people who were brought up feeling unwanted do not have feelings of low self-worth, being an ‘accident’ or being planned it makes no difference. As I wrote; most people spend at least some time living with a feeling of low self-worth.

In DDs case, we told her because frankly, the timelines don't add up otherwise. As I said upthread, DD turned up 11 months into our relationship, and we didn't know DP was pregnant until she went into labour. So for the first 4 months of DDs life, her and DP stayed living with DPs parents, while we decided what we were going to do long term.

So every so often stories crop up that involve them living there, so we've needed to explain to DD that she turned up at short notice, before DP and I were living together.

DD turned 18 last year, and we told her exactly how short notice she was then. For one, it's a story everyone else already knows, as obviously my family, work colleagues and friends were all there at the time, and it didn't feel fair to keep it from her.

Also, Alzheimer's runs in both mine and DPs family, and we didn't want to risk her getting some garbled version of the story from one of us way into the future when we didn't have full grasp of our faculties, and then having noone else to ask.

There are plenty of planned pregnancies with shit parents.

I agree with another poster, you can only control you and how you feel. Trying to come up with reasons why you treated as you were aren’t helpful. Focus on the now and going forward.

My dad was an accident and it has traumatised him but I think that’s because m he was clearly an unwanted accident, not a happy one. He was clear to myself and my siblings we were all planned

I planned my children almost neurotically- it’s only now I have them I can see how “accidents happen” but previously I thought it was lack of care and irresponsible.

i would never tell my children if they weren’t planned but sometimes it’s obvious (ie my dad was born 18 years after his closest sibling 😭 my friends daughter was born only about 18 months after her parents met)

OP, my ds was an accident and a complete shock as I was 44y5m and running on one tube and half an ovary. That doesn't mean he isn't the most loved and precious thing in my life.

Being an accident and being unwanted are very different things.

I was born before the pill was generally available, the fourth of six. I am merely a biproduct of a sex life. My dm loved me, my f couldn't give a toot. That was his loss, not mine. His indifference gave me the perfect opportunity to disown him., He was not a person I would ever have wanted to be associated with.

I'm sorry you feel the way you do, but your life is your chance to build the family and friends around you that you want. Focus on the good bits and dump the bad xx

My mum swears up and down I was planned but why would you have a sixth child so long after your last one? She also assumed I was the menopause so didn’t know for the first three months… which doesn’t sound very planned to me. My dad says he was open to more kids and “wanted an even number anyway” but by the time I was born he was 50. I doubt I was planned but I appreciate my mum keeping it up for so long.

My mum didn't want any children but my dad and his family coerced her in to having my 2 brothers. Then 10 years later i came along as an accidental pregnancy. she told me when i was 16 about all this as we were talking about me not wanting children.

i had an absolutely amazing childhood, wanted for nothing, always felt very wanted and loved. i still do now, even knowing i wasn't in the plan! It's not remotely negatively affected me

I research infertility in history, and what's striking is that even in periods where people didn't have reliable contraception, when pregnancy was very dangerous, you still find lots of people who are desperate to conceive and grieve that they don't, and you also find people who feel very conflicted about unplanned pregnancies (even though they must have been so common).

I think what's cruel is making a child feel bad about how they came into the world, and it sounds as if that's what your parents did, and that's really on them, not on you!

FWIW I've a 9-year-old and I'm 9 months pregnant and both were extremely planned (fertility treatment, donor sperm, etc.). And even so I think it can be daunting and you can have moments or even long stages of worrying and wondering whether you're cut out to be a parent. I know a couple of people who did multiple rounds of IVF and still, when they fell pregnant, they were shocked and felt somehow unprepared. I think all of those emotions are normal, and people who transfer those anxieties onto children are a bit shit, really.